I have an unmanageable amount of pain and and unlimited amount of anger. And do you know why? I can tell you why. What I am about to share is what it's like every single day of my life. From the time I wake up until I go to sleep, what I do get of it that is.
Every morning I wake up. I spend anywhere from 30 seconds to 5 minutes just convincing myself to sit up. I fight my body and soul every morning before I can even make coffee. And I say , "You have shit to do, you HAVE to get up" And against my body's wishes I sit up.
By the time I get in the sitting position it feels like I have an elephant sitting on my shoulders, pressing down on my back. I sit there for a minimum of 5 minutes. There are some days I need to sit there longer than that. But because of the nerve damage to my body I can't. Because if I sit there any longer than that I will (and have) peed my pants. Who doesn't love that? 30 years old and I still pee my pants. Sad eh?
I finally make it to the bathroom, which is literally just 2 feet from my bed because I had a toilet installed in my laundry room because I couldn't walk up the 18 stairs to get to the upstairs bathroom. And I sit. I sit there, even after I am done taking care of business because my body is just plain tired and I really don't have the energy to fight my body anymore. But I push myself every day because I know it needs to be done and there is no way around any of it.
I make my way to the kitchen to make coffee. I can't survive without it. Get my cup made and right back down I sit. I have to sit because my body feels like I just ran 5 miles and all I did was walk to the kitchen. That is how TIRED my body is.
Some days the amount of pain that I am in is unreal. I will cry as I am doing things. There have been some mornings I am crying as I get my kids ready for school because my body hurts so much that all I can do is cry. Because whether I hurt or not, my children still need me. There is no way around that. So I have to do what I have to do. And whether it hurts or not I will still take care of my family. That is my job... But..
I am so tired. Having to get up every single morning just to have to fight my body just to get to the bathroom is exhausting. On top of everything else that I have to do on a daily basis. My 3 children are in school all day long and I am a bit thankful for that, so I have a chance to "recharge" while they are gone, but my work is never done. I still have to cook, clean, run errands, do laundry, and take care of not 1 or 2 but THREE pitbulls to boot. I never get any rest. I am on call 24/7 and that would be 100% okay if only I wasn't fighting my body as much as I do.
In 2012 when I had 3 different doctor's opinions, that told me the only thing left to do was have surgery. I believed them, I trusted them. You are supposed to trust your doctor and believe that they only want the best for you, right? I no longer agree with this and I don't trust anyone with a medical license.
December 2012 rolled around and I had surgery. I was in so much pain then that I couldn't even stand being in my own skin. I didn't want to move. It physically hurt me just to breathe. So I did what I was told to do, wait it out. Any type of surgery that you have will take a lot out of your body. So I did the healing process. I thought maybe time would heal and I would start to feel better a little down the road after I had a chance to re-coop. While I was trying to heal, I still had 3 kids to take care of. So against doctor's orders I had to get up every single day to be mommy. I didn't have any options. At that point and time it was just me. It was my children and I and that's where it ended up. It was just a few days before the new year (the 28th to be exact) I was headed out to go somewhere, and I slipped and fell on ice. I fell HARD. I fell so hard that it ended up knocking my newfound curtain rods and deck screws out of place and I had to go back in to fix it because one of the screws was pressing against my nerve causing the intense pain.
When they cut into me the first time, they had to sever my nerve to get to the discs in my back. The second surgery they had to do the same, when the scar tissue wasn't even healed from the first surgery. That is what caused my sciatica pain. And a million x-rays and CT scans and MRI's later they told me they had come to the conclusion that the damage to my nerve was permanent and it would only get worse over time. When I found that news out, I think I cried for a week straight. I didn't understand (still don't) WHY they can't do anything to help me. Is there really nothing else that can be done?
Fast forward a couple years and here I am. Having back surgery has been my only regret at the end of the night. All day and all night long I fight my body. But I also fight my soul just as often. When I lay down at night, that is when my demon's want to come out to play.
The point of having surgery was to BETTER my quality of life. I read on the statistics of my surgery and there was a 85% success rate. At the time those seemed like good odds to me. I didn't take into account the kind of luck I have. And usually that awful side effect you see on the side of your pill bottle, is usually what happens to me.
When I lay down at night, it takes me hours to get comfortable enough to even attempt to try and sleep. The entire house is out like a light and here I am laying in bed underneath my electric blanket wondering what I did in a past life to deserve this pain I have to deal with every single day.
I try so hard to lead a normal life. I just want to be able to get up every morning and get my kids ready for school. I want to be able to cook and clean and be the mom I have always wanted to be. And I haven't failed. I am raising great kids, I know that.
The damage to my body has broken my soul. It may sound crazy to some, because you aren't in the amount of pain so you don't understand. It has broken my soul into so many pieces that not a DAY goes by that I am not crying because this is not how life was supposed to go. This is not supposed to be how MY life was supposed to go. I shouldn't have to fight my body to get up every day.
I stopped seeing any kind of doctor almost a year ago. It may sound absolutely insane to everyone else. I've even been asked, "If you are in that much PAIN, why not go to a doctor to take care of it"
I can tell you why. Doctor's have already told me that there is NOTHING else that can be done. Over a 2 year span I seen exactly 34 doctors for various reasons and I got the same thing. Nothing can be done. I will just get worse over time and that's what happened.
I fall alot. A LOT. My legs are always giving out on me, and as time goes by it just gets worse and worse. I have made so many ER trips that some of them even know me by name. And you know what happens then? That is the point and time when I get accused of pill seeking, and I get treated as such. As if I am seeking pills just because. Why would anyone do that? I go into the EMERGENCY ROOM only when I have to. Only when I am in so much pain I can barely move and I can't even breathe without being in intense pain. But I still get TREATED as if I am a pill seeker. When all I want is ONE doctor, just ONE to tell me that there is SOMETHING that can be done to at least keep me at a half functioning level in life. I am 30 years old and they tell me that I have the body of an 85 year old woman. NO ONE around me understands this.
I have people in my own family that treat me as if I am lying. I have been called names. I've been told I am lazy and do nothing. I get looked at and treated like I am an addict. Do you know how that feels? So I stopped going to any doctor's offices. Why do I have to prove I am in pain? I shouldn't have to! The evidence to my suffering is right there in my blood work and right there in the trillion different x-rays and MRI's and all that great stuff. Yet, when I walk into a doctor's office I have to prove that I am sick. I have to prove that I am in pain and it should NOT have to be this way. I should not have to prove to doctor's or my family or ANYONE that I am in pain.
I get told a lot that I am an oversharer. I am always talking about being in pain and get told I am "whining" or I shouldn't say anything since I refuse to go back to the doctor's, therefore I am "refusing" help, so I just need to be quiet. There is a lot that I don't share. If anyone really knew about the things I don't share, you would be amazed. If you sit and think about what I do share, can you imagine what I keep to myself?
Living the way I do, I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Yes, of course I am depressed. Wouldn't you be depressed if you had to convince EVERYONE around you that you were in constant pain? Wouldn't constant pain make you depressed?
I am not sure how much more I can take. I am tired all the time, my body is always hurting. My limbs feel like they have barbed wire wrapped around them, and just this week I have fallen down so many times that I have lost track. I hate myself. I hate that this is who I have become. I hate that here I sit, still trying to convince other people that I am in pain and I just want someone to ACKNOWLEDGE it! All I want is HELP so I don't have to feel this way. And I will never get it.
I don't know where I go from here, I don't know what to do. But I know that I don't want to live in this much pain anymore. I am just tired. And I am even more tired of being tired and there isn't anyone to help. I am on my own and I don't know where to go from here. I am sad all the time and I am angry at myself for even letting it happen in the first place.
I know that this is NO WAY to live. But what are my options?
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
We are exactly 14 days away from your 14th birthday. I have watched you learn. I have watched you try and fail. I have watched you love and grow and become the young woman that you are today. Your teenage years are going to be your favorite memories. The memories you have when you are 30 years old raising your own kids. And while you travel this road, I will be right here with you every single step of the way. Here are just a few things I want to share with you.
You are worthy of love. Real love! I will be here for you no matter you do or where your life decides to take you. That love we see from people on TV. How they do it so well, but in reality, real life people struggle with.
Don't let the broken relationship with your father mold any part of your future. There was nothing that you did to make this person who was supposed to help raise you, help guide you and teach you about life from "daddy's eyes" to leave you in the cold.
He failed. Not you.
Did you hear what I just said? HE has failed you! Not the other way around.
Don't ever doubt your self-worth and stop finding ways to blame yourself for his short comings.
It breaks my heart as I watch you struggle with his short comings, when it isn't your fault.
I will NOT sit here and put all the blame on him. At first it was partially my fault. I did keep you away from him when he decided in 2008 that he wanted legal paperwork to try and take you from me. After I sat and talked with you, we decided together that right then and there, at that specific point and time it was not the RIGHT time for you to be in your father's life, do you remember?
Things changed. Life changed on us. And that's what happens. Everything is going great and life will throw you a curve ball. And on the Eve of your 13th birthday, you wanted to be in contact with him. So I let it happen. I stood by as I watched my little girl try to mend what has been broken with her father for many years. I can't sit here and speak for him, at all. I have no idea what kind of person he is now, only who he was so many years ago when you were brought into this world. I let you make your own opinions and choices when it comes to your father, so you can see for yourself and make your own judgments on how you want your future with him to go.
For the last 2 years I have watched you struggle with your father. I have seen the heartbreak in your eyes when you have come home from visiting and he isn't the man you thought he was. I have hugged you when you have cried, I have been here for you every step of the way. And I will tell you now, just as I have from the beginning, NO MATTER WHAT you will always have me. Through the good, the bad and the ugly.
Please try not to group every man on this planet in the same category. Give guys a real chance when they earn it because they aren't all the same. Don't seek out their flaws and imperfections or wait for the moment when they are going to let you down and leave. CHERISH THEM.
Enjoy the blessings that you do have. Explore what you have learned in life and how it has shaped the person you are today.
Me? Well. I forgive to easily. You have seen how Grandpa Jack has let me down over and over again. And how I let him back into my life, and how I tried to be apart of his. And he walked out every single time. The year your baby sister was born was the last year I spoke with him. HE chose to walk out of our lives and never come back. It took me a long time to accept that fact. It took me a LONG time to accept that he never was or will be the man I thought he would be, a father. And as I sit here writing you today, I forgive him. It still makes me sad and angry on some days, but my life is not overcome by how he has failed me.
I have learned that I am a strong woman. I have been through a lot. Back surgeries and cancer and rare blood disorders. Heartache. Pain. But I have overcome it all and it has made me who I am today. Not only have I survived, but I will find a way to thrive through it all.
It's okay to be sad, angry, devastated and even lonely. However you choose to feel - it's okay! That doesn't mean you pack your bags and move there. Be sad and angry and heartbroken, play a sad song and reminisce. And then, be okay.
We don't always see eye to eye, you and me. Most of the time we are butting heads because you are so much like your father that our personalities clash. But I know, as I sit here and think about your first words, first steps, first day of school. first hair cut, first best friend and first EVERYTHING. That I am raising strong children. Strong daughters. I am raising YOU.
I make my mistakes along the way, but I have learned from them. Mommyhood didn't come with an instruction manual. Most days I am just winging it. Trying to raise you the best way that I know how. Making sure you have everything in life that you want. Making sure that you have everything that you don't even know you want yet. And I will be here for you every step of the way, no matter what. But here are the most important things you need to know
You are worth it.
You are amazing.
You are beautiful.
Find that passion inside of you and run with it and don't ever stop until your heart is so full of joy and happiness you are glowing.
Sometimes you think I am being mean to you. I am hard on you. That I expect to much from you. This is not the case at all. I am the way I am because I was raised by strong women. We are surrounded by strong women in this family. Your Grandmother, your Aunt, your great Aunt's, your great-grandmother's and your great-great grandmother. And your only Mother. We are a family of strong women, and it will continue to be that way until the end of our time.
Your high school years will NOT in fact be the best days of your life. You will have great memories from high school, of course. But College is where you will make your lifetime moments. So hold on to your knicker's, Dolly. Life is a beautiful struggle.
Just know that through all the struggles that life may (or may not) throw your way, I will always be here for you/ Until my dying breath I will always be at your side. Routing for you. At every concert and assembly, every game, your prom, your first boyfriend, every happiness and every heart ache. I will always be in your corner, always.