These are just a few questions that I know everyone has asked. I know I have asked them time and time again. The biggest question I always ask myself and
Tomorrow is never promised. Ever. Everything in your life could be going exactly how you want it to and you can have the job and car and man/woman of your dreams and it can all be gone tomorrow. I know that this way of thinking is NO way to live your life. But is it really? Everyone dreams about the future and what tomorrow holds for us, but I have stopped trying to figure my future out. I could be on the right path to get to where I want to be and guess what? LIFE happens. More recently, everything in my life was going fantastic! My children were doing great in school and at home, I had a job and a car and so IN love with the man of my dreams. Everything seemed like it was on the right track for once in my life! And God had other plans in store for me, apparently. My body took a turn for the worst. Just getting out of bed was and is a chore for me. I no longer have a paying job (being a stay at home mommy is a job!) and I also don't have a telephone, or a car. All I have is my children and my man. He works so very hard and puts in a lot of hours at work just to take care of us financially. I know it is hard on him some days. Before him and I got together, it was just him. All he had to worry about was paying his bills and taking care of himself. And almost overnight he went from party of 1 to Party of 5! And he has been supporting us since. I know it hasn't been easy on him to say the least, but it also hasn't been easy on me either.
With the pain that I endure on a daily basis, just trying to convince myself to shower on the regular has been a very hard task lately. I have problem after problem and it makes it very, very hard for me to think/dream/imagine my future, because I am scared for what I might see. I don't like living this way so I try very hard to be optimistic and see the bigger picture. And there are only a few things I foresee in my future.
Constant, agonizing, pain of which I can't escape from. My health will continue to take a downward spiral and there is nothing I can do about it. What is done is done. So from now until the end of time I just want to learn how to control it. Right now I can say with 100% certainty that it controls me. It controls whether I get up out of bed that day. Whether or not I decide cook dinner, etc. It controls every single aspect of my life and I am tired of living this way. I am tired of living in agonizing pain. I just want to be able to control it. Get a handle on it so I can live a somewhat functional life. Is that to much to ask?
I want my children to pursue their dreams. They already pursue their interests now. But I want them to find passion and purpose and dream BIG with whatever they decide to do in this life. And most of all I want them to be so unconditionally happy! I want them to see how great life is and I want them to grab it by the balls and make life their bitch!
I want the man that I love to see himself as I see him. He has been through a lot over the years and everything that has happened has made it hard for him to open his heart 100% to me, even after a little over 2 years of being together. He knows it, and I know it. I want him to see that he is the only man for me, I have never wanted anyone else but him. And I want him to trust in the bond that we have created with each other. There is no greater force in this world than a strong willed couple. I believe that love, trust and communication are the keys to a successful relationship. Take a leap of Faith and let things happen as they should, when they should. I don't know what our future together as a couple looks like as I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. All I do know is any relationship takes work and sacrifice and both people involved have to be willing to put in the work.
The future seems so far away, yet so close I can taste it. I dream about it all the time. But sometimes I wonder, are they just that, dreams? I guess there is only one way to find out!