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Friday, July 10, 2015

The Madness inside me

I haven't blogged in awhile. Mostly because I am not sure how to put all my chaos into words. There is so much happening at once that my head is full of crazy nonsense, pain, and just plain crazy.

Everyone reading this post knows how I am on a daily basis. I am the true definition of neurotic. I have seen exactly 35 doctors in 2 years. A good handful of them have tried to convince me it is all my head and I am batshit crazy and not in constant pain. I briefly agreed with them and went 2 month's without seeing a doctor. All because I was just plain tired. I was tired of seeing doctor after doctor after doctor with the same results. Nothing, nada. Then I finally get told by one doctor that there is nothing left for them to do, the sciatica nerve is permanent. The damage that is done is my demise. There is nothing that no one can do. 

So between being mom and girlfriend, cook and maid. I have been trying to find an attorney that won't blow me off but one that will help me get my social security going because they will owe me a LOT of back pay when the time comes.

But I am struggling right now. More emotionally than anything. Between my brain and my body I am just plain tired of being in my skin. And I am not sure whats going to happen next. All I do know is to take it one day at time. And the only doctor I see now is my therapist. She actually helps me maintain the crazy without getting myself in trouble.

Recently I have done a few things that I am not proud of, not my best moments in time. But I have learned from my mistakes and I am and have tried to make them right with some people. But some people just hold grudges and don't know how to let go. I guess it takes one day at a time for everyone else too. I guess I should develop some patience. I don't expect thing to change overnight. But I am also not going to give up either, Because I dont ever give up, especially for those that I love, you know who you are.

I feel like I am failing as a person, a friend, a mother and a girlfriend. It's almost like all I seem to know how to do lately is screw up or fail in someway or another. Some of which I have no control over. My brain likes to just do shit and think about it later and later it's just no good. I am a grade A screw up and there is nothing or no one that can change that but me,

I keep failing everyone I love. I am screwing up in ways I don' know how to fix or if I can ever fix it. But all I can do is try. But why doesn't that feel like enough? I feel like I could be doing more even though my brain and body are telling me to sit the hell down you will only hurt yourself more.

As everyone knows, I have the worst luck in the world. I have fallen down stairs, tripped over my feet, lose everything, forget where I put things and it's getting so worse it's worrying me. But the countless doctors I have say there is nothing wrong. They also told it was NORMAL to gain 45lbs in 3 months. Maybe my head is screwed up, but even I know that's not normal. But finding a doctor that cares or even half ass gives a shit would be nice. I don't think there is one descent doctor left in the state of Omaha. So I think I am may just give up. They have given up on me, so maybe I should just give up on them, I don't have any patience for the bullshit,

So I have resorted to just sticking to garden. That away if something goes wrong it is my fault and no one else. Its so peaceful for me, we have gotten so far on getting it all done. Only need a few more things to do and it's exactly how I wanted it to be back there. That and being in my garden keeps my head busy so I am not worried about all the chaos. Because sitting at home all the time makes me spend to much time in my head, which leaves me without a lot of questions and no answers because it's my screwed up brain for ya.

So where do I go from here? I supposed I will post a blog of what has grown so far in the garden. So stay tuned...

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