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Sunday, July 12, 2015

Dear Me:

I say 30 yr old me, because I am hoping some things will change in the next few months (5 to be exact) so here goes nothing..

Dear Me,

      When we were 15 and pregnant, we were scared to death. Who is 15 and pregnant and doesn't get judged because of it (this was 2001 for those counting..) We had such a hard time coping. Pregnancy and school and parents and grandparents. Our family wasn't really surprised. It seems to be a god given right for us all to get pregnant before wedlock. But then my oh so wonderful mother had the hair up her ass to move to Tennessee. And things are backwards and WAY different over there than here in Nebraska. I was not allowed to go to school while I was pregnant over there because I was what they (still) call a bad influence on the other kids. So work we did, until my Katie bug came along.

Having my wondeful daughter (Kathleen Rea) was the best thing that could have ever happened to me at the point in my life, It sounds crazy, but she kept me on the straight and narrow and let me keep my priorities straight, Giving birth and becoming a mother at 16 changed my whole entire world, and for the better.

20 comes and you get pregnant with my one and only handsome son. I changed with him a well. Before I found out I was pregnant i was going out all the time, drinking and not having a care in the world because I knew my baby was in good hands. So my son came along and then I became a mommy of two exactly 10 day before my 21st birthday. On my 21st birthday, I stayed at home with my 10 day old son and we slept the night away. I changed. I was not just the mother of 1 but 2 and I really needed to get my shit together.

So I grew up quickly. I had no choice but to grow up quickly because I made the choice to have not one, but two children and I was the only parent to them both so I really, really, had to keep my ducks in a row.

When Jonathan was 3 I made the very stupid, stupid, careless decision to get married. One of two of my worst mistakes ever. I knew what kind of coward he was and is, but I just said fuck it and did it anyway. Worse mistake ever. We separated 6 months later and I haven't seen or heard from him since. Could be because I threw all of his shit on the lawn and torched it until it was ash. Cuz I am crazy like that.

After my 3rd and final child I had my tubes tied. Smart thing at the time considering I was immune to every birth control on the planet. So I did and went on with my life as a single mother of 3 single kids.

Now lets skip some of the middle and go straight for present day. Right now I am only about 4 months away from my 30th birthday and it honestly scares me. 25 didn't scare me, when I was a quarter century old, but 30 does.

I am not sure why, but it does. Probably because having back surgeries was the worst mistake to date. Once I had surgery my entire body, mind and soul all ran away at once. This year marks the 3rd year since my surgeries. Every month that goes by, and every year that goes by my entire body and soul get worse day by day. I am so sick it is unreal. Everyone I tell probably look at me like I am crazy or lying. But having surgery made my entire body downfall. Leukemia and ovarian cancer didn't help matters.

But when I wake up each morning, I cry. I cry because it hurts to move, it hurts to breathe and I hate being in my own skin. I cant
 go outside and play football with my only son because if I fall I will cause premanent damage to my body. I can't go down the water slides at the pool with my kids because sitting on that concrete makes me feel like I am sitting on a boulder for hours. I can't just jump out of bed because every bone in my body feels like its on fire things to the fibromyalgia.

Some days it isn't so bad. But otheres, like days when it is going to rain and there is a change in barometric pressure I hurt so bad all I do is sit at home all day and cry because I hate being in my own skin. When I say I HURT I am not saying it for attention or for someone to say "yeah right, she is such a liar" I am saying it because I hurt so bad sometimes I wish I could fall asleep and wake up in someone else's body just so they can see what it feels like. Every year the pain in my body gets worse. And I am slowly but surely falling apart. I am tired all the time and weak, my hair is falling out and what is left is turning silver. And 10/10 days I feel like I am fucking up as a parent and a girlfriend. Speaking of which.

I have been with my man for almost 2 years now. The first year was pretty easy. We were getting to know each other on a mental and physical level and I thought I had met my soulmate. Sometimes, even today (bad day) I wonder if he isn't my soul mate. But after him and I finally moved in together everything changed. He changed and I changed to.  I don't know when or were we went wrong but somewhere along the lines we lost each other. We have both grown into 2 different people and I think this is the point where it makes or breaks a relationship and I am not really sure what tomorrow holds. We have both made our share of mistakes. But most days it is always just my fault and I am exhausted.

I am physically, mentally, emotionally exhausted and I need a time out from reality. I am in therapy, that is helping me so/so. But at least for me, it is a step in the right direction to making a better me.

So by the time I am 30 I really hope that I have my ducks in a row and we work things out and it is all that it is supposed to be... As screwy as our relationship seems to outsiders, its like we are perfect for each other and he is just to stubborn to see it. And I am tired of fighting and arguing and the anger and rage. Anger and rage and just plain HATE is no way to go through life. It will age you quicker than you want it to.

I am almost 30, by the time I am 32 we will have owned our own home, have 3 children, 2 dogs and 2 cats. Almost the perfect set up right? I should be happy right? .......

Except I feel like something in my life is missing and I don't know what it is. I mean, the only time I leave the house is to go to the store or to a school function. Otherwise I don't go anywhere. Maybe that needs to be one of my 30yo goals. To make new couple friends for us both and actually have a social life.

Over the years I think everyone changes. Whether it be changing for the good or for the bad, everyone changes and sometimes we don't even realize it

So for the next few months (before 30) here are my goals;

  • To keep changing for the better
  • less arguing and fighting and more talking
  • spend less time cleaning and more time with my kids that are growing up to fast..
  • Somehow learn how to love myself again. Because if I can't love myself there is no way I can ever 100% give my heart to someone else and love my man and kids the way I want to
  • Less battling with my teenager and more listening
  • Spend more time with my Babymama and our kids

And last but not least..

  • Go on more one on one dates with my man so he can see, understand and finally get that he is the only one I want to be with..
  • And lots more camping

But I guess only time will tell... What do you think?

1 comment:

  1. I would love to spend more time with you and the kids. I miss you bunches! I think your doing fine and just need to keep looking forward. Good things come to those who work hard!!


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