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Sunday, July 12, 2015

Dear Me:

I say 30 yr old me, because I am hoping some things will change in the next few months (5 to be exact) so here goes nothing..

Dear Me,

      When we were 15 and pregnant, we were scared to death. Who is 15 and pregnant and doesn't get judged because of it (this was 2001 for those counting..) We had such a hard time coping. Pregnancy and school and parents and grandparents. Our family wasn't really surprised. It seems to be a god given right for us all to get pregnant before wedlock. But then my oh so wonderful mother had the hair up her ass to move to Tennessee. And things are backwards and WAY different over there than here in Nebraska. I was not allowed to go to school while I was pregnant over there because I was what they (still) call a bad influence on the other kids. So work we did, until my Katie bug came along.

Having my wondeful daughter (Kathleen Rea) was the best thing that could have ever happened to me at the point in my life, It sounds crazy, but she kept me on the straight and narrow and let me keep my priorities straight, Giving birth and becoming a mother at 16 changed my whole entire world, and for the better.

20 comes and you get pregnant with my one and only handsome son. I changed with him a well. Before I found out I was pregnant i was going out all the time, drinking and not having a care in the world because I knew my baby was in good hands. So my son came along and then I became a mommy of two exactly 10 day before my 21st birthday. On my 21st birthday, I stayed at home with my 10 day old son and we slept the night away. I changed. I was not just the mother of 1 but 2 and I really needed to get my shit together.

So I grew up quickly. I had no choice but to grow up quickly because I made the choice to have not one, but two children and I was the only parent to them both so I really, really, had to keep my ducks in a row.

When Jonathan was 3 I made the very stupid, stupid, careless decision to get married. One of two of my worst mistakes ever. I knew what kind of coward he was and is, but I just said fuck it and did it anyway. Worse mistake ever. We separated 6 months later and I haven't seen or heard from him since. Could be because I threw all of his shit on the lawn and torched it until it was ash. Cuz I am crazy like that.

After my 3rd and final child I had my tubes tied. Smart thing at the time considering I was immune to every birth control on the planet. So I did and went on with my life as a single mother of 3 single kids.

Now lets skip some of the middle and go straight for present day. Right now I am only about 4 months away from my 30th birthday and it honestly scares me. 25 didn't scare me, when I was a quarter century old, but 30 does.

I am not sure why, but it does. Probably because having back surgeries was the worst mistake to date. Once I had surgery my entire body, mind and soul all ran away at once. This year marks the 3rd year since my surgeries. Every month that goes by, and every year that goes by my entire body and soul get worse day by day. I am so sick it is unreal. Everyone I tell probably look at me like I am crazy or lying. But having surgery made my entire body downfall. Leukemia and ovarian cancer didn't help matters.

But when I wake up each morning, I cry. I cry because it hurts to move, it hurts to breathe and I hate being in my own skin. I cant
 go outside and play football with my only son because if I fall I will cause premanent damage to my body. I can't go down the water slides at the pool with my kids because sitting on that concrete makes me feel like I am sitting on a boulder for hours. I can't just jump out of bed because every bone in my body feels like its on fire things to the fibromyalgia.

Some days it isn't so bad. But otheres, like days when it is going to rain and there is a change in barometric pressure I hurt so bad all I do is sit at home all day and cry because I hate being in my own skin. When I say I HURT I am not saying it for attention or for someone to say "yeah right, she is such a liar" I am saying it because I hurt so bad sometimes I wish I could fall asleep and wake up in someone else's body just so they can see what it feels like. Every year the pain in my body gets worse. And I am slowly but surely falling apart. I am tired all the time and weak, my hair is falling out and what is left is turning silver. And 10/10 days I feel like I am fucking up as a parent and a girlfriend. Speaking of which.

I have been with my man for almost 2 years now. The first year was pretty easy. We were getting to know each other on a mental and physical level and I thought I had met my soulmate. Sometimes, even today (bad day) I wonder if he isn't my soul mate. But after him and I finally moved in together everything changed. He changed and I changed to.  I don't know when or were we went wrong but somewhere along the lines we lost each other. We have both grown into 2 different people and I think this is the point where it makes or breaks a relationship and I am not really sure what tomorrow holds. We have both made our share of mistakes. But most days it is always just my fault and I am exhausted.

I am physically, mentally, emotionally exhausted and I need a time out from reality. I am in therapy, that is helping me so/so. But at least for me, it is a step in the right direction to making a better me.

So by the time I am 30 I really hope that I have my ducks in a row and we work things out and it is all that it is supposed to be... As screwy as our relationship seems to outsiders, its like we are perfect for each other and he is just to stubborn to see it. And I am tired of fighting and arguing and the anger and rage. Anger and rage and just plain HATE is no way to go through life. It will age you quicker than you want it to.

I am almost 30, by the time I am 32 we will have owned our own home, have 3 children, 2 dogs and 2 cats. Almost the perfect set up right? I should be happy right? .......

Except I feel like something in my life is missing and I don't know what it is. I mean, the only time I leave the house is to go to the store or to a school function. Otherwise I don't go anywhere. Maybe that needs to be one of my 30yo goals. To make new couple friends for us both and actually have a social life.

Over the years I think everyone changes. Whether it be changing for the good or for the bad, everyone changes and sometimes we don't even realize it

So for the next few months (before 30) here are my goals;

  • To keep changing for the better
  • less arguing and fighting and more talking
  • spend less time cleaning and more time with my kids that are growing up to fast..
  • Somehow learn how to love myself again. Because if I can't love myself there is no way I can ever 100% give my heart to someone else and love my man and kids the way I want to
  • Less battling with my teenager and more listening
  • Spend more time with my Babymama and our kids

And last but not least..

  • Go on more one on one dates with my man so he can see, understand and finally get that he is the only one I want to be with..
  • And lots more camping

But I guess only time will tell... What do you think?

Friday, July 10, 2015

Our Garden (picture blog)

This will be mostly a picture blog. I will try and add captions to them though. There is a lot more. I just haven't taken pictures of all that is growing the front yard :)

The Madness inside me

I haven't blogged in awhile. Mostly because I am not sure how to put all my chaos into words. There is so much happening at once that my head is full of crazy nonsense, pain, and just plain crazy.

Everyone reading this post knows how I am on a daily basis. I am the true definition of neurotic. I have seen exactly 35 doctors in 2 years. A good handful of them have tried to convince me it is all my head and I am batshit crazy and not in constant pain. I briefly agreed with them and went 2 month's without seeing a doctor. All because I was just plain tired. I was tired of seeing doctor after doctor after doctor with the same results. Nothing, nada. Then I finally get told by one doctor that there is nothing left for them to do, the sciatica nerve is permanent. The damage that is done is my demise. There is nothing that no one can do. 

So between being mom and girlfriend, cook and maid. I have been trying to find an attorney that won't blow me off but one that will help me get my social security going because they will owe me a LOT of back pay when the time comes.

But I am struggling right now. More emotionally than anything. Between my brain and my body I am just plain tired of being in my skin. And I am not sure whats going to happen next. All I do know is to take it one day at time. And the only doctor I see now is my therapist. She actually helps me maintain the crazy without getting myself in trouble.

Recently I have done a few things that I am not proud of, not my best moments in time. But I have learned from my mistakes and I am and have tried to make them right with some people. But some people just hold grudges and don't know how to let go. I guess it takes one day at a time for everyone else too. I guess I should develop some patience. I don't expect thing to change overnight. But I am also not going to give up either, Because I dont ever give up, especially for those that I love, you know who you are.

I feel like I am failing as a person, a friend, a mother and a girlfriend. It's almost like all I seem to know how to do lately is screw up or fail in someway or another. Some of which I have no control over. My brain likes to just do shit and think about it later and later it's just no good. I am a grade A screw up and there is nothing or no one that can change that but me,

I keep failing everyone I love. I am screwing up in ways I don' know how to fix or if I can ever fix it. But all I can do is try. But why doesn't that feel like enough? I feel like I could be doing more even though my brain and body are telling me to sit the hell down you will only hurt yourself more.

As everyone knows, I have the worst luck in the world. I have fallen down stairs, tripped over my feet, lose everything, forget where I put things and it's getting so worse it's worrying me. But the countless doctors I have say there is nothing wrong. They also told it was NORMAL to gain 45lbs in 3 months. Maybe my head is screwed up, but even I know that's not normal. But finding a doctor that cares or even half ass gives a shit would be nice. I don't think there is one descent doctor left in the state of Omaha. So I think I am may just give up. They have given up on me, so maybe I should just give up on them, I don't have any patience for the bullshit,

So I have resorted to just sticking to garden. That away if something goes wrong it is my fault and no one else. Its so peaceful for me, we have gotten so far on getting it all done. Only need a few more things to do and it's exactly how I wanted it to be back there. That and being in my garden keeps my head busy so I am not worried about all the chaos. Because sitting at home all the time makes me spend to much time in my head, which leaves me without a lot of questions and no answers because it's my screwed up brain for ya.

So where do I go from here? I supposed I will post a blog of what has grown so far in the garden. So stay tuned...