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Sunday, April 19, 2015

When is enough?

When do you know when you have had enough of something or someone? Is there something in you that just clicks inside and you decide to put an end to it. How many chances do you give someone who is undeserving of your love?

What do you do when you know you are in a toxic relationship, and you continue to stay in spite of what you know to be true?

Here is a bit of what is going on right now:

The man I love acts worse than my children do. He is hot headed, blames everyone else for his actions and NEVER takes responsibility for what he does. He always blames everyone else. His temper is so bad, he has scared not only me, but my children.

When we fight, he will stoop as low as he can just to say things to me to hurt me. He is childish. He has called me lazy, a drunk, a whore and just the last few month's he has even told me that I am doing nothing but USING him. He does anything and everything in his power to try and bring me down. I have no self esteem and I blame him, and myself. I blame him for making me feel this way and I blame myself for allowing him to make me feel this way.

When he is done with his bipolar episodes, he will try and say things like " I guess I don't mean nothing to you" and "yep, IU am good for nothing around here but my money" and "I guess you don't love me and never did" to try and make me feel sorry for him. Or that somehow that excuses his behavior and actions in some way, when it doesn't. He likes to tell me all the time when he is mad that I have done nothing but use him.

And I have tried and tried and tried to make things work with this man. When it comes down to it, he likes to tell me what  HE thinks I want to here. He has told me he will get anger management, then makes an excuse for why he can't. He will say we can't afford it and blah blah blah. I told him he is bipolar and manipulative and he needs a therapist. He makes an excuse "Well I have to work all day, everything is closed when I am off" The only thing that he has done that I told him he NEEDED to do, was go back to his meetings. But that didn't happen until month's after I told him he needed to go.

He isn't all to blame. I have played my part, but I have taken responisibilty for what I have done, he has not. He finds a way to blame everyone but himself. And even when I tell him this, it makes NO difference. I think everything I have said to him has gone in one ear and out the other.

Recently some things have happened and my sister, her 2 kids and her boyfriend have been staying with us. When they first came in the house, him and I were arguing and all around I had told him then that I was done and he needed to move it. He may not remember it (shockingly he never does) but I remember it because that was the first time he told me I was using him for his money. Without consulting him, my sister who needed a place to stay moved in for a short period of time. It is only temporary, but the damage he is causing is permanent and nothing I do seems to shine the light on his actions. So I am done trying.

I am about 9mos away from owning this house. But I am ready to walk away and leave it all behind because I can't live with him this way anymore. He causes the damage that can't be undone and then when he is done being a dick about it, I am supposed to just forget anything happened and go about the day. I can't do it anymore.

It breaks my heart.

I have put my time, energy and love into a "man" that is trying to tear my family apart all because I didn't talk to him first. That is childish. He makes me cry more than he makes me smile. We argue every other day. It isn't a relationship, it has turned into a debate team and I REALLY hate debates.

I have sacrificed so much of myself for this man, only to be treated like I am worth nothing at the end of the day. He thinks by me telling him that I have had enough, that it somehow means I don't love him. In fact it is quite the opposite. I love him more than he deserves and I am tired of crying. I am tired of being scared of him and his temper and I am tired of him tearing my family apart all because he doesn't like it. 

So I am going to be the bigger person and walk away. Because I deserve better, my children deserve better and my family doesn't deserve to be treated this way when they have done NOTHING wrong. 

I am a kind and loving person, and my FAMILY comes before anything. So if they ask me for help, I am and always will be there to help in whatever way I can. That will NEVER change just because someone does or doesn't like it.

I guess our dance is over. Because after what recently happened it has shown me that he will never change, because he sees nothing wrong with the damage he has caused and what he has done to my heart. He blames everyone but himself and always will.

I can't do it anymore. He breaks my heart a little more each day, and I am already broken enough. A relationship is supposed to make you feel good. A relationship is supposed to build you up, not tear you down. And goddammit I am torn down enough, I don't need anything else to try and break me.

I think when the bad outweighs the good, it is time for the next chapter in life. 

So I don't know what's going to happen next. Because I have no money coming in, so I can't pay mortgage, I will lose the house and have nowhere to go. But if that means I don't have to live this way, and my kids don't have to live this way, then I guess I already know what needs to be done.

So I guess now it's time for the tears to flow. I think sometimes a person needs to fall apart to come back together. I don't know what I am going to do. All I know for sure is that I am heartbroken and I can't stop the tears from flowing tonight. 

I could definitely use some words of encouragement, or something..

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