Recent events in my life have inspired these words in this post. It has taken me days to figure out what way I want to go about saying everything I need to say, getting it all out in the open. Because it is so very easy for me to bottle everything up and put a cork on it. But before I get it all out, there are couple things I need to say first:
1) Don't feel sorry for me, and please don't tell me you are sorry. I know everyone is sorry. But telling me you are sorry, only makes me feel worse. Because, it just does.
2) There is nothing you can do. There is nothing that anyone can do. Except maybe listen, when I need an ear. But I'm not sure what else can be done beyond that.
So, now that I have said that, it's time to get on with it.
The only people reading this, are people who are already close to me and know just about everything there is to know about me. It is no secret that I let everyone know what is going on with my life. I don't tend to hide to much, except my emotions. Those are really hard for me to get out. So when I do, take notes. It really doesn't happen as often as it should. I guess I am just wired a little differently because I don't share much very often with anyone. I think that is because for the most part, I think are very few people who actually hear what I have to say in the first place. But, you know, it is what it is.
I have had a lot of really bad shit happen to me. I don't know for sure what it is that I did in a past life that made me deserve all of the horrible things that have happened to me, but I know I have reached a point to where I almost anticipate the bad things handed to me on a silver platter.
Before I had back surgery, I was relatively a healthy person. I had problems with my anemia, even then. But other than that, the only time I had to see the doctor was when I was pregnant. Which was once every 5 years. And then one day, it happened. Everything changed.
Chronic pain! If you suffer from chronic pain, you know exactly what I am talking about. From outsiders, we look like drug seekers, pill junkies, and we get treated as such by the medical community. They treat us like all we are looking for is that "fix." Like all we want is to pop pills everyday for the rest of our lives. But this isn't the case. It does exist, it is real and it is a bitch to live with day after day. The outsiders who won't live with the everyday pain look at us like we are faking. Like we are just seeking attention, like it's a joke. But it isn't. Aside from my chronic pain here is a list of the things that *I* go through on a daily basis and what I will go through every.single.day. for the rest of my life.
-High Blood Pressure
-Atransferrinemia (a very rare disorder which causes the iron in my body to NOT transfer through my blood like everyone elses)
-Permanent Whiplash of the neck
-Postlaminectomy Syndrome x2 (failed back surgeries)
-Permanent Sciatica Nerve damage
-Arthritis of the hands, arms, legs, and knee
-Leukemia (in remission)
-Bipolar 1 Disorder
Those are the problems that I deal with on a daily basis. This doesn't include the surgeries that I have had. I had my gall bladder taken out in 2007, Had a c-section in 2010 and a tubal ligation the same day. I have had 2 failed lumbar fusions of my L5/S1. And an endometerial ablasion and removal of cancer on the back side of my uterus. And as you will learn later down this post, 2 more surgeries in my very near future.
And this list doesn't include the numerous amounts of car accident's in the last few years. I have been through a lot of bad shit. The bad shit outweigh's the good things that have happened. And lately I have been struggling very, very, very hard to keep my head above water. Financially it's a mess. There is and will always be more expenses than there will be money. I have tried working, and it causes more irreversible damage, than it does good. Physically, I am not even 30 years old and my doctor tells me that I have the body of a 75 year old woman. Just saying that out loud for someone else to hear, makes me want to cringe and cry at the same time. Emotionally, I am broken, tattered and torn. They say that you aren't supposed to let your pain control you. That YOU are supposed to control your pain. But more times than none, my pain has me in a choke hold. My pain owns and controls me more days then not. Most days, it feels like a losing battle. Why keep fighting when at the end of the day I am my pain's bitch. It has me by the balls and it doesn't let up.
In the last 2 1/2 years I have seen exactly (yes, I counted them all) 34 doctor's. I have gone from one doctor to another in such a small amount of time. I have had a few doctor's try to convince me it was all in my head. I have had a few doctor's tell me that I just needed to deal with it, it will always be there. And then I have had large amount of them treat me as if I am faking it all, even with evidence right in front of their eye's. In every sense of the word, I am just plain exhausted.
I am tired of it all. I am tired of constantly fighting everything when it feels like a losing battle. I am giving up on myself. I don't want to keep continuing to see doctor's when the pain is inevitable. Even recently I took a bit of a sabatical from all doctor's. I didn't see a doctor for almost 2 month's. That was the longest 2 month's of my life. As sad as it is, I can't not live without medication. I can't function and be the person, I know I am without them. The pain is to overwhelming. I can't move without it, I can't even lift my head without being in pain.
It makes me sad. It breaks my heart that I can't go outside and play football with my son. I can't walk my dog's. I can't walk around the mall with my 13 year old because I get so sore and so tired that my legs give out on me. I can't do anything anymore. It doesn't just break my heart, it weaken's my soul. And there is not much I can do about it. Except learn to live with it, I guess.
Two days ago, after seeing another new doctor. I was so excited. She actually sat in the office with me for almost 2 hours. Talking to me and trying to figure out what is wrong and make an execution. I was thrilled to finally have a doctor tell me that it wasn't all in my head. During the exam, she had noticed my ovaries are almost twice the size they should be. This is not good. Now, I go tomorrow morning for an ultrasound to confirm everything. But she is pretty positive (90% sure) it is ovarian cancer. She is so positive in fact, that I am going in to schedule surgery on April 30th. She is going to have to take all my girl parts out. Which won't matter at this point. Because apparently I am also going through menopause, at 29. And my appendix is about to burst, so that will come out the same time my girl parts do. When she first told me all of this, I think I was in shock. Or maybe it was just denial. But none of it hit home until today.
I am still very sick. My body owns me. There is absolutely nothing else that I can do right now, but wait. Wait on more tests and see more doctor's. I try not to let anyone see, but I am so sad and so broken. I am fed up with fighting my body, when my body wins every.single.time. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I don't know what is going to happen next. All I do know is that I am barely breathing. I am having a very hard time trying to keep pushing forward to make myself better. I have tried so hard to be a good woman, a good person, a good mother and a good girlfriend. But I just want to break down and cry everyday. The worst feeling in the world, is being trapped in your own body. I am trapped, and there is nothing I can do about it. Except learn to live with it. Whether I like it or not.
So as sad and heartbroken as I am, I have tried to find comfort and joy in the little things. Sometimes that is hard. But having SO much happen to me, I am determined to fight my way back to the top. I fenced in my backyard for my garden. Last year I did really well, and I was determined to make it bigger and better this year. My garden is my happy place. It is the only thing that can't be taken away from me. It is the one thing that my kids can't ruin. It is my sanctuary. It is my favorite happy place.
I find comfort in knowing that my children are happy and healthy. Even though most days I feel like I am failing them as a mother. We may not have any money at all, but we have a roof over our head's and food in our bellies, even though I don't have a penny to my name. And I have my man. We have had a lot of problems. Some are minor and some are major. Some may not even like that we are together, and I don't care.. I am making the effort to better myself and he has taken the steps to better himself. And at the end of the day, when my kids are asleep and my thoughts are at it's loudest, he is the only one I feel has my back through it all. He tries so very hard to comfort and take care of me. But there is only so much he can do. There really is nothing that anyone can do. I can't even do anything. All I can do is sit back and let my body and mind shrivel into nothing.
I don't know where I go from here, I don't know what will happen next. All I do know, is everyday is a struggle just to survive. My pain owns me, more days than not. And I am so sad and so broken. I am not sure that I can ever be repaired. So as I sit here and slowly wither away, I am left with these thoughts:
What is this happening to me?
What is going to happen next?
Just how much more can I take, before I completely throw in the towel and give up on it all?
If God only gives you what you can handle, how much more is it he is going to give me to "handle?"
Why? Just why?
I just can't figure out why all of this keeps happening to me. If it is bad news, it is bound to happen to me and I will never understand why. What scares me the most, is that it is all going to get worse. My body is going to slowly but surely torture me until the day I die, and I hate living this way. Not knowing why this is all happening to me. I am so tired of being strong. I am so tired of fighting. I am already, ready to give up on myself. And that is the last thing in the world I need to be doing right now.
So where do I go from here?