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Wednesday, April 29, 2015

What will happen in August?

So as you all already know, I have absolutely nothing better to do all day then sit in my own head. Somedays, this is a good thing and other days it is a bad thing. Today I can't decide if it is good or bad. I guess I am kind of neutral about it. As most of you know, my baby will be starting school in August. And with her going to school along with her siblings that leaves me home alone. And I have been asked on more than one occasion what I am going to do with my days since my best friend will be in school. And I have the same answer each time I am asked, "I haven't the slightest clue!"

The amount of pain that I am in on a daily basis would surprise you. The thing about chronic pain, is most of the time people (doctor's included) will act like and treat you like it is all in your head, you are making it up. So it's a toss up. A friend or an acquaintance of yours that lives in chronic pain will tell you that the pain we feel is real and it is scary. Now, I can't speak for anyone else. But, somedays it is very difficult for me to even sit up right away. Sometimes I need to be awake 2 hours ahead of time just so I can get up and get moving like everyone else in the morning. But I fight through it, and I will continue to fight. So working or having any kind of career, just won't happen for me right now at this point in my life.

So I thought maybe I would go back to school. And I wondered just what I would go back to school to learn? So deciding whether or not to go back to school is still something I think about everyday. Because I honestly don't know what I am good at. Besides being a full time mommy for almost 14 years. And being a mommy isn't something you can put on a resume.

And then I thought about running my garden full time. Planting, growing things and selling them. Because who doesn't love fresh fruit and vegetables? But unless I owned a greenhouse, growing things year round will be next to impossible to do. So I sit and wonder, what will happen to me? In a little over 3 1/2 months my babies will all be in school, and I will be sitting at home with nothing to do. 

I really do wish I could work. So I have a steady income coming in. I hate being broke all the time. And I have tried working before. It literally drains me to work even part time. So I thought I would take up some hobbies. 

I can crochet, even though I almost forgot how Lol. I read a lot as it is, and I blog. That is about all I know how to do.  My mind still keeps going back to heading back to college. But for what? I would have to choose a career that wouldn't drain me physically, but still brings in a nice income.

So I am turning to you all, the people who know me best. If I went back to school, what do you think I would be good at?

Sunday, April 19, 2015

When is enough?

When do you know when you have had enough of something or someone? Is there something in you that just clicks inside and you decide to put an end to it. How many chances do you give someone who is undeserving of your love?

What do you do when you know you are in a toxic relationship, and you continue to stay in spite of what you know to be true?

Here is a bit of what is going on right now:

The man I love acts worse than my children do. He is hot headed, blames everyone else for his actions and NEVER takes responsibility for what he does. He always blames everyone else. His temper is so bad, he has scared not only me, but my children.

When we fight, he will stoop as low as he can just to say things to me to hurt me. He is childish. He has called me lazy, a drunk, a whore and just the last few month's he has even told me that I am doing nothing but USING him. He does anything and everything in his power to try and bring me down. I have no self esteem and I blame him, and myself. I blame him for making me feel this way and I blame myself for allowing him to make me feel this way.

When he is done with his bipolar episodes, he will try and say things like " I guess I don't mean nothing to you" and "yep, IU am good for nothing around here but my money" and "I guess you don't love me and never did" to try and make me feel sorry for him. Or that somehow that excuses his behavior and actions in some way, when it doesn't. He likes to tell me all the time when he is mad that I have done nothing but use him.

And I have tried and tried and tried to make things work with this man. When it comes down to it, he likes to tell me what  HE thinks I want to here. He has told me he will get anger management, then makes an excuse for why he can't. He will say we can't afford it and blah blah blah. I told him he is bipolar and manipulative and he needs a therapist. He makes an excuse "Well I have to work all day, everything is closed when I am off" The only thing that he has done that I told him he NEEDED to do, was go back to his meetings. But that didn't happen until month's after I told him he needed to go.

He isn't all to blame. I have played my part, but I have taken responisibilty for what I have done, he has not. He finds a way to blame everyone but himself. And even when I tell him this, it makes NO difference. I think everything I have said to him has gone in one ear and out the other.

Recently some things have happened and my sister, her 2 kids and her boyfriend have been staying with us. When they first came in the house, him and I were arguing and all around I had told him then that I was done and he needed to move it. He may not remember it (shockingly he never does) but I remember it because that was the first time he told me I was using him for his money. Without consulting him, my sister who needed a place to stay moved in for a short period of time. It is only temporary, but the damage he is causing is permanent and nothing I do seems to shine the light on his actions. So I am done trying.

I am about 9mos away from owning this house. But I am ready to walk away and leave it all behind because I can't live with him this way anymore. He causes the damage that can't be undone and then when he is done being a dick about it, I am supposed to just forget anything happened and go about the day. I can't do it anymore.

It breaks my heart.

I have put my time, energy and love into a "man" that is trying to tear my family apart all because I didn't talk to him first. That is childish. He makes me cry more than he makes me smile. We argue every other day. It isn't a relationship, it has turned into a debate team and I REALLY hate debates.

I have sacrificed so much of myself for this man, only to be treated like I am worth nothing at the end of the day. He thinks by me telling him that I have had enough, that it somehow means I don't love him. In fact it is quite the opposite. I love him more than he deserves and I am tired of crying. I am tired of being scared of him and his temper and I am tired of him tearing my family apart all because he doesn't like it. 

So I am going to be the bigger person and walk away. Because I deserve better, my children deserve better and my family doesn't deserve to be treated this way when they have done NOTHING wrong. 

I am a kind and loving person, and my FAMILY comes before anything. So if they ask me for help, I am and always will be there to help in whatever way I can. That will NEVER change just because someone does or doesn't like it.

I guess our dance is over. Because after what recently happened it has shown me that he will never change, because he sees nothing wrong with the damage he has caused and what he has done to my heart. He blames everyone but himself and always will.

I can't do it anymore. He breaks my heart a little more each day, and I am already broken enough. A relationship is supposed to make you feel good. A relationship is supposed to build you up, not tear you down. And goddammit I am torn down enough, I don't need anything else to try and break me.

I think when the bad outweighs the good, it is time for the next chapter in life. 

So I don't know what's going to happen next. Because I have no money coming in, so I can't pay mortgage, I will lose the house and have nowhere to go. But if that means I don't have to live this way, and my kids don't have to live this way, then I guess I already know what needs to be done.

So I guess now it's time for the tears to flow. I think sometimes a person needs to fall apart to come back together. I don't know what I am going to do. All I know for sure is that I am heartbroken and I can't stop the tears from flowing tonight. 

I could definitely use some words of encouragement, or something..

The Ugly Truth

Recent events in my life have inspired these words in this post. It has taken me days to figure out what way I want to go about saying everything I need to say, getting it all out in the open. Because it is so very easy for me to bottle everything up and put a cork on it. But before I get it all out, there are couple things I need to say first:

1) Don't feel sorry for me, and please don't tell me you are sorry. I know everyone is sorry. But telling me you are sorry, only makes me feel worse. Because, it just does.

2) There is nothing you can do. There is nothing that anyone can do. Except maybe listen, when I need an ear. But I'm not sure what else can be done beyond that.

So,  now that I have said that, it's time to get on with it.

The only people reading this, are people who are already close to me and know just about everything there is to know about me. It is no secret that I let everyone know what is going on with my life. I don't tend to hide to much, except my emotions. Those are really hard for me to get out. So when I do, take notes. It really doesn't happen as often as it should. I guess I am just wired a little differently because I don't share much very often with anyone. I think that is because for the most part, I think are very few people who actually hear what I have to say in the first place. But, you know, it is what it is. 

I have had a lot of really bad shit happen to me. I don't know for sure what it is that I did in a past life that made me deserve all of the horrible things that have happened to me, but I know I have reached a point to where I almost anticipate the bad things handed to me on a silver platter.

Before I had back surgery, I was relatively a healthy person. I had problems with my anemia, even then. But other than that, the only time I had to see the doctor was when I was pregnant. Which was once every 5 years. And then one day, it happened. Everything changed.

Chronic pain! If you suffer from chronic pain, you know exactly what I am talking about. From outsiders, we look like drug seekers, pill junkies, and we get treated as such by the medical community. They treat us like all we are looking for is that "fix." Like all we want is to pop pills everyday for the rest of our lives. But this isn't the case. It does exist, it is real and it is a bitch to live with day after day. The outsiders who won't live with the everyday pain look at us like we are faking. Like we are just seeking attention, like it's a joke. But it isn't. Aside from my chronic pain here is a list of the things that *I* go through on a daily basis and what I will go through for the rest of my life.

-Chronic Pain
-High Blood Pressure
-Atransferrinemia (a very rare disorder which causes the iron in my body to NOT transfer through my blood like everyone elses)
-Permanent Whiplash of the neck
-Crohn's Disease
-Celiac's disease
-Postlaminectomy Syndrome x2 (failed back surgeries)
-Permanent Sciatica Nerve damage
-Arthritis of the hands, arms, legs, and knee
-Leukemia (in remission)
-Bipolar 1 Disorder
-Manic Depressive
-Generalized Anxiety
-Severe Insomnia
-Anti-social Disorder

Those are the problems that I deal with on a daily basis. This doesn't include the surgeries that I have had. I had my gall bladder taken out in 2007, Had a c-section in 2010 and a tubal ligation the same day. I have had 2 failed lumbar fusions of my L5/S1. And an endometerial ablasion and removal of cancer on the back side of my uterus. And as you will learn later down this post, 2 more surgeries in my very near future. 

And this list doesn't include the numerous amounts of car accident's in the last few years. I have been through a lot of bad shit. The bad shit outweigh's the good things that have happened. And lately I have been struggling very, very, very hard to keep my head above water. Financially it's a mess. There is and will always be more expenses than there will be money. I have tried working, and it causes more irreversible damage, than it does good. Physically, I am not even 30 years old and my doctor tells me that I have the body of a 75 year old woman. Just saying that out loud for someone else to hear, makes me want to cringe and cry at the same time. Emotionally, I am broken, tattered and torn. They say that you aren't supposed to let your pain control you. That YOU are supposed to control your pain. But more times than none, my pain has me in a choke hold. My pain owns and controls me more days then not. Most days, it feels like a losing battle. Why keep fighting when at the end of the day I am my pain's bitch. It has me by the balls and it doesn't let up.

In the last 2 1/2 years I have seen exactly (yes, I counted them all) 34 doctor's. I have gone from one doctor to another in such a small amount of time. I have had a few doctor's try to convince me it was all in my head. I have had a few doctor's tell me that I just needed to deal with it, it will always be there. And then I have had large amount of them treat me as if I am faking it all, even with evidence right in front of their eye's. In every sense of the word, I am just plain exhausted.

I am tired of it all. I am tired of constantly fighting everything when it feels like a losing battle. I am giving up on myself. I don't want to keep continuing to see doctor's when the pain is inevitable. Even recently I took a bit of a sabatical from all doctor's. I didn't see a doctor for almost 2 month's. That was the longest 2 month's of my life. As sad as it is, I can't not live without medication. I can't function and be the person, I know I am without them. The pain is to overwhelming. I can't move without it, I can't even lift my head without being in pain. 

It makes me sad. It breaks my heart that I can't go outside and play football with my son. I can't walk my dog's. I can't walk around the mall with my 13 year old because I get so sore and so tired that my legs give out on me. I can't do anything anymore. It doesn't just break my heart, it weaken's my soul. And there is not much I can do about it. Except learn to live with it, I guess.

Two days ago, after seeing another new doctor. I was so excited. She actually sat in the office with me for almost 2 hours. Talking to me and trying to figure out what is wrong and make an execution. I was thrilled to finally have a doctor tell me that it wasn't all in my head. During the exam, she had noticed my ovaries are almost twice the size they should be. This is not good. Now, I go tomorrow morning for an ultrasound to confirm everything. But she is pretty positive (90% sure) it is ovarian cancer. She is so positive in fact, that I am going in to schedule surgery on April 30th. She is going to have to take all my girl parts out. Which won't matter at this point. Because apparently I am also going through menopause, at 29. And my appendix is about to burst, so that will come out the same time my girl parts do. When she first told me all of this, I think I was in shock. Or maybe it was just denial. But none of it hit home until today.

I am still very sick. My body owns me. There is absolutely nothing else that I can do right now, but wait. Wait on more tests and see more doctor's. I try not to let anyone see, but I am so sad and so broken. I am fed up with fighting my body, when my body wins every.single.time. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I don't know what is going to happen next. All I do know is that I am barely breathing. I am having a very hard time trying to keep pushing forward to make myself better. I have tried so hard to be a good woman, a good person, a good mother and a good girlfriend. But I just want to break down and cry everyday. The worst feeling in the world, is being trapped in your own body. I am trapped, and there is nothing I can do about it. Except learn to live with it. Whether I like it or not.

So as sad and heartbroken as I am, I have tried to find comfort and joy in the little things. Sometimes that is hard. But having SO much happen to me, I am determined to fight my way back to the top. I fenced in my backyard for my garden. Last year I did really well, and I was determined to make it bigger and better this year. My garden is my happy place. It is the only thing that can't be taken away from me. It is the one thing that my kids can't ruin. It is my sanctuary. It is my favorite happy place.

I find comfort in knowing that my children are happy and healthy. Even though most days I feel like I am failing them as a mother. We may not have any money at all, but we have a roof over our head's and food in our bellies, even though I don't have a penny to my name. And I have my man. We have had a lot of problems. Some are minor and some are major. Some may not even like that we are together, and I don't care.. I am making the effort to better myself and he has taken the steps to better himself. And at the end of the day, when my kids are asleep and my thoughts are at it's loudest, he is the only one I feel has my back through it all. He tries so very hard to comfort and take care of me. But there is only so much he can do. There really is nothing that anyone can do. I can't even do anything. All I can do is sit back and let my body and mind shrivel into nothing.

I don't know where I go from here, I don't know what will happen next. All I do know, is everyday is a struggle just to survive. My pain owns me, more days than not. And I am so sad and so broken. I am not sure that I can ever be repaired. So as I sit here and slowly wither away, I am left with these thoughts:

What is this happening to me?
What is going to happen next?
Just how much more can I take, before I completely throw in the towel and give up on it all?
If God only gives you what you can handle, how much more is it he is going to give me to "handle?"
Why? Just why?

I just can't figure out why all of this keeps happening to me. If it is bad news, it is bound to happen to me and I will never understand why. What scares me the most, is that it is all going to get worse. My body is going to slowly but surely torture me until the day I die, and I hate living this way. Not knowing why this is all happening to me. I am so tired of being strong. I am so tired of fighting. I am already, ready to give up on myself. And that is the last thing in the world I need to be doing right now. 

So where do I go from here?