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Monday, August 18, 2014

Health, or lack thereof...

My health has been a roller coaster for as long as I can remember now. I don't think there has been a time in the last 3 years where I could say that I was 100% healthy. I am not even sure when I can tell you I was 100% healthy, that's how long it's been. Anywho.

The end of last year I was seeing doctor after doctor because of issues with my blood. My white count was 3 times as high as it was supposed to be. As if my body was trying to fight off an infection, but I had no signs of any infections at all. So my white count was high, my red count was low. Which is nothing new either. When I was pregnant with Jacklynn I had to go in for iron injections because my hemaglobin was THAT low. I've always had low iron, so it didn't surprise me. After I had approximately 22 different blood tests done, a scope of my insides (intestines and liver and such..) they finally told me that I had Celiac's Disease and Crohn's disease and I also had Leukemia. That was grand. After hearing all of that information I don't think I told anyone about it, including my other half. For almost 2 weeks. Maybe it was denial? It just hadn't sunk in? I'm not sure what it was, but I waited. And even then, I only told a few people what I was going through. 

I'm a tough cookie, and I didn't want anyone to panic or feel sad or worried about me. Not when most of my family had enough going on, I didn't need to add to it. So I went to my chemo appointments alone. I let it be known I was all cancerous, but went by myself. Told everyone I just needed to see the doctor. So I did the chemo thing. My hair started falling out. I was going bald. The night I realized that my hair was falling out by the clumps, I laid in bed and cried for about 5 hours. My hair, the one and only thing I have always loved about myself, I was losing. I cried and cried and cried until my entire face was all puffy and I couldn't even see. I went to bed, got up the next morning and pushed forward. That's all I ever do, is keep pushing forward. I did the Chemo for a long time, after my hair fell out in that big giant clump I never really lost anymore. It came out in strands, but no different then when a lady brushes her hair. I've always been one to "shed" as I call it Lol But I did get blisters on the back of my head. So bad that they would bleed. I told no one. I didn't talk to anyone about what was going on. I just dealt with everything and continued about my days as if nothing was wrong. And then it happened! I finally got the news that I was in remission. And I felt so relieved, almost whole again. But that was just the beginning.

I was having girl issues. Let me tell you, it really sucks having girl parts. Lol I was bleeding for 2 months straight. No reason as to why. My tubes are tied, I wasn't pregnant. They ran test, they did an ultrasound and then an internal ultrasound which any woman will tell you, is just plain uncomfortable and awkward. Once they did the internal ultrasound they had discovered what my problem was. I once again, had cancer. On my ovary. I had ovarian cancer. Ugh, wouldn't that be my luck? That is always my luck. But they caught it soon enough, when they went in to do my endometrial ablasion (they burnt the lining of my uterus) so I wouldn't have any more periods, they took it out at the same time. But sadly it is back now, with a vengeance. They will now have to take out my right ovary. I keep telling them to just take it all. They won't, because I am only 28 and it will automatically throw me into menopause. I say, you might as well. Because the luck I have, it will end up on my other ovary and I will just go through this same BS all over again. I really wish I could get any doc to listen to me. But apparently there is NO doctor in the state of Nebraska that will knowingly throw me into menopause, as much as I keep telling them too LOL So here goes this mess all over again. And it gets worse!

My back and leg issues have gotten worse. Since I have lived in this house (March) I have fallen down the stairs at least 7 times and it is only August. It's just SO bad, I've almost reached the point to where I have to force myself to get out of bed every morning. I cry every morning before my kids can see me. My entire body hurts so much on a daily basis I have begun to hate myself. But I did what I always do, and PUSH forward. I called my new doctor to let him know what was up. He suggested that I needed a spinal stimulator to help with my leg. It would improve my pain and function by at least 50% and to me, that was better than no improvement at all. So even though I wasn't ready for yet another surgery. I was mentally ready to go through more pain, to be a half functioning normal person. I was ready. Doc proceeds to tell me that one of the requirements for this surgery is to have a psychiatric evaluation done before hand. Apparently to make sure I can mentally and physically handle being cut open for a 4th time. But guess what? I failed that psych eval miserably. I am apparently manic depressive and have generalized anxiety. You mean to tell me, after all these years of ME telling doctor's the same thing.. Someone finally thinks that they need to tell me? I laughed in his face LOL He is now doing nothing. He referred me to a pain management clinic which is supposed to help me "live" with the pain and manage it. Which is basically, me seeing a shrink LOL That's what it amounts too.

So this is where I sit today. All cancery with 34890589034 problems with my leg and back and the best they can do for me, is to tell me to go see a shrink. Cuz, you know. The shrink I was seeing for 2 years did no good. So why not do it again? I'm not scheduled to see my back doctor again until November. When he will then "review" my file and go from there.

Aren't I just a boatload of good news? Seems like everyday I live seems to get worse and getting anyone to listen or care is an obstacle. I can't even get my kids to help without fighting me and each other. But that is a different blog LOL

That's the end of that..

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