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Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Family and Motherhood

I have been a mother for almost 13 years now. It's strange to even say that outloud because it still seems like just yesterday I was bringing my precious crotchfruit into this world. But time has just flown on by and now at the ripe ole' age of 28 I have 3 beautiful and annoying children. They are all three in different stages of childhood. I had my children to far apart LOL They are 12, 7 and 3 and all of them are about to hit their birthdays. My oldest is now in Middle school and in the process of discovering who she is, what path she wants to take in life and going through puberty. She is mouthy and snotty and sometimes stuck up. But she is still a good kid with good grades and she just excels. My son is now in 2nd grade and in such an awkward stage. It's hard for me to raise a son, because I am not a "man" so it is hard for me to teach him the manly things he needs to know. But I have done pretty well so far, and now he has a wonderful man in his life to teach him all the manly things. He likes to take things apart, just to see how to put them together. Such a fun stage Lol Sometimes they don't always go back together. But that is how you learn and I just bare with it. He will grow out of it, right? My last baby is 3 and learning her numbers and counting. She couldn't start Pre-K this year because she didn't meet the birthday guidelines. So she gets one more year home with mom before she ventures out into the world like my other 2.

But, it doesn't seem to matter what I do with my kids, one of them is always unhappy with me. I am only one person and my children expect me, as MOM to do it all. My oldest things I favor my son, because he is my only son. Therefore she thinks he NEVER gets in trouble. Truth is, she has just been gone all summer so she doesn't know what's happened. She just assumes. My son thinks I let my oldest get away with murder because she is the oldest and she gets to do more. My youngest thinks I need to give her my undivided attention 24/7. My son has an open house this week and she is mad because I signed up to go. But because of car issues, I missed her volleyball practice. Because I am supposed to be an assistant coach for her team this year. So all because I missed ONE practice because I couldn't find a ride or a sitter, I'm somehow favoring my son, over her. Even though it wasn't my fault and definitely wasn't my intention.

I also missed the very first PTA meeting of the year. Because YES, I am also a PTA mom. So I volunteer at my son's school and my daughter's while going through 801 health issues and my body is trying to shut down on me. I get it, they are kids and I am mom. Yes, maybe I did bite off a little more than I could chew. But I have ALWAYS been an active participant in my kids' school and supporting them 100% of the time.

But it doesn't seem to matter what I do, I am always the bad guy. Or I am playing favorites or they think I spend more time with one sibling over the other. And I am playing pure hell trying to balance everyone and everything out.

I need a damn vacation or something. Because I am just plain fried. And I don't know what to do. And I dont think it matters what I do, someone will always be upset with me. And it's not for lack of trying.

So what do I do now? I feel at a loss. I dont know what to do to make them all happy or even content for that matter. With that said. It's time to shower. I am an assistant volleyball coach at school, everyday this week.

Anyone have any thoughts? Am I doing something wrong? I just don't know what to do to keep everyone happy. And no one is happy it seems. :-/

Monday, August 18, 2014

Health, or lack thereof...

My health has been a roller coaster for as long as I can remember now. I don't think there has been a time in the last 3 years where I could say that I was 100% healthy. I am not even sure when I can tell you I was 100% healthy, that's how long it's been. Anywho.

The end of last year I was seeing doctor after doctor because of issues with my blood. My white count was 3 times as high as it was supposed to be. As if my body was trying to fight off an infection, but I had no signs of any infections at all. So my white count was high, my red count was low. Which is nothing new either. When I was pregnant with Jacklynn I had to go in for iron injections because my hemaglobin was THAT low. I've always had low iron, so it didn't surprise me. After I had approximately 22 different blood tests done, a scope of my insides (intestines and liver and such..) they finally told me that I had Celiac's Disease and Crohn's disease and I also had Leukemia. That was grand. After hearing all of that information I don't think I told anyone about it, including my other half. For almost 2 weeks. Maybe it was denial? It just hadn't sunk in? I'm not sure what it was, but I waited. And even then, I only told a few people what I was going through. 

I'm a tough cookie, and I didn't want anyone to panic or feel sad or worried about me. Not when most of my family had enough going on, I didn't need to add to it. So I went to my chemo appointments alone. I let it be known I was all cancerous, but went by myself. Told everyone I just needed to see the doctor. So I did the chemo thing. My hair started falling out. I was going bald. The night I realized that my hair was falling out by the clumps, I laid in bed and cried for about 5 hours. My hair, the one and only thing I have always loved about myself, I was losing. I cried and cried and cried until my entire face was all puffy and I couldn't even see. I went to bed, got up the next morning and pushed forward. That's all I ever do, is keep pushing forward. I did the Chemo for a long time, after my hair fell out in that big giant clump I never really lost anymore. It came out in strands, but no different then when a lady brushes her hair. I've always been one to "shed" as I call it Lol But I did get blisters on the back of my head. So bad that they would bleed. I told no one. I didn't talk to anyone about what was going on. I just dealt with everything and continued about my days as if nothing was wrong. And then it happened! I finally got the news that I was in remission. And I felt so relieved, almost whole again. But that was just the beginning.

I was having girl issues. Let me tell you, it really sucks having girl parts. Lol I was bleeding for 2 months straight. No reason as to why. My tubes are tied, I wasn't pregnant. They ran test, they did an ultrasound and then an internal ultrasound which any woman will tell you, is just plain uncomfortable and awkward. Once they did the internal ultrasound they had discovered what my problem was. I once again, had cancer. On my ovary. I had ovarian cancer. Ugh, wouldn't that be my luck? That is always my luck. But they caught it soon enough, when they went in to do my endometrial ablasion (they burnt the lining of my uterus) so I wouldn't have any more periods, they took it out at the same time. But sadly it is back now, with a vengeance. They will now have to take out my right ovary. I keep telling them to just take it all. They won't, because I am only 28 and it will automatically throw me into menopause. I say, you might as well. Because the luck I have, it will end up on my other ovary and I will just go through this same BS all over again. I really wish I could get any doc to listen to me. But apparently there is NO doctor in the state of Nebraska that will knowingly throw me into menopause, as much as I keep telling them too LOL So here goes this mess all over again. And it gets worse!

My back and leg issues have gotten worse. Since I have lived in this house (March) I have fallen down the stairs at least 7 times and it is only August. It's just SO bad, I've almost reached the point to where I have to force myself to get out of bed every morning. I cry every morning before my kids can see me. My entire body hurts so much on a daily basis I have begun to hate myself. But I did what I always do, and PUSH forward. I called my new doctor to let him know what was up. He suggested that I needed a spinal stimulator to help with my leg. It would improve my pain and function by at least 50% and to me, that was better than no improvement at all. So even though I wasn't ready for yet another surgery. I was mentally ready to go through more pain, to be a half functioning normal person. I was ready. Doc proceeds to tell me that one of the requirements for this surgery is to have a psychiatric evaluation done before hand. Apparently to make sure I can mentally and physically handle being cut open for a 4th time. But guess what? I failed that psych eval miserably. I am apparently manic depressive and have generalized anxiety. You mean to tell me, after all these years of ME telling doctor's the same thing.. Someone finally thinks that they need to tell me? I laughed in his face LOL He is now doing nothing. He referred me to a pain management clinic which is supposed to help me "live" with the pain and manage it. Which is basically, me seeing a shrink LOL That's what it amounts too.

So this is where I sit today. All cancery with 34890589034 problems with my leg and back and the best they can do for me, is to tell me to go see a shrink. Cuz, you know. The shrink I was seeing for 2 years did no good. So why not do it again? I'm not scheduled to see my back doctor again until November. When he will then "review" my file and go from there.

Aren't I just a boatload of good news? Seems like everyday I live seems to get worse and getting anyone to listen or care is an obstacle. I can't even get my kids to help without fighting me and each other. But that is a different blog LOL

That's the end of that..

Home Sweet Home

I have no idea where to start this blog. But anymore it seems I never know where to start them out at. Lol The last time I blogged, was well over 6 months ago. SO much has happened in the last 6 months that I'm not sure I can get it all in one blog. I may have to stretch it out.

The last time I blogged, it was about the house that I am currently living in. This house isn't as picture perfect as I thought it was. But is it ever? There is always problems and even in the back of my mind I knew it. Even then. But after awhile it all came to light and they are small enough things that I can replace or fix that aren't going to require much. But I've been baring with it and hanging in there. Started out pulling the very, very disgusting carpets out of the bedrooms. I am not sure who it was that lived here before, but I think they owned every animal on the planet because there was shit just caked on the floors, in the corners of the walls. It was BAD and nasty and disgusting. Pulling the carpets was the first order of business, and it REALLY makes a difference in the smell that was protruding from upstairs. It was really that bad. Baby steps, and I will get this place where it needs to be. Just need to put in a little elbow grease.

This neighborhood however, I am not so sure about. I feel like I have had one problem after another with these neighborhood kids since the weather got warm. I have had them threaten my dog, tell me I am a racist bitch and so forth. Had one child whip my son with a plastic baseball bat, and just yesterday even had a child (about 12 or 13 I would say) hit my son in the face because she claims he was stepping on her foot, from behind. I seen the whole thing take place. But apparently I am deaf and blind because there is no teenager around here that would lie, EVER! LOL I've been nice, I've talked to parents, I've made numerous police reports. And guess what? It just keeps getting worse and worse. And I am not saying my kids are 100% innocent in any of it. They have started their share of shit. But they have never put their hands on another person, because *I* have raised them better than that. But bottom line of it all, I can't control anyone else's kids. It doesn't matter what I say, or what I do. When it comes right down to it, the only ones I can control are my own kids. And I don't want them around any person that thinks it is okay to hit someone, because they are doing something that they don't like. Sorry Charlie, not how this family rolls at all. So as of yesterday, my children are no longer allowed outside of this house, anywhere in this neighborhood until we have a privacy fence. At least with a fence, I know my kids are in OUR yard and I wont have to deal with anyone else's bullshit. My kids are going to hate me for awhile, but being back in school and doing their after school activities, should keep them occupied enough. And on the weekends, we will go elsewhere if we need to. Cuz this mama isn't taking anyone's shit anymore and I am NOT playing nice. I am tired of playing nice, especially with a bunch of bad ass kids. And I've been sitting here for weeks wondering, do they even have parents? I have lived in this house since March and I always see kids, never any parents, of said bad ass kids. I am not always outside with my kids. My oldest is almost 13. They stay out front unless asked and I sit right by the window to watch them, and I check on them frequently. I don't just let them loose. Gives my oldest the responsibility she feels like she needs, while giving them freedom. But still close enough for me to stick my foot up their ass if they need it. But most of these kids are outside for multiple hours and I never see any parents. Sad really, but like I said. I can't control anyone else's children and their behavior. All I can do is keep a lid on my children and know who they are playing with and when and all that dandy shit. Back on to the house..

I pulled the carpets and started painting the girl's bedroom. Of course, as sure as I was that I had enough paint to do the whole bedroom lol I didn't. So its only partially painted. But it looks better than it did and the girls say it makes them feel more comfortable. So we both win. 

But we haven't gotten any further than that. My health issues are always in the way, and it's my next blog. So stay tuned. But I figure that I have all the time in the world to get it done, so I am in no rush at all. It will all happen when it is supposed to, how it's supposed to.

With all the other shit. I will just do what I knew I should have in the first place and stick to myself. My days are quieter. I dont have to deal with drama and bullshit and I don't have to wear any pants. It's win/win.

So with that said, I bid you adue as I head to my next blog for the day...