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Thursday, February 20, 2014

I Have Lost My Mind...

You all think I am crazy? Please. It has gotten worse as time has gone by. I mean, I had convinced myself that it was just my crazy life. All the crazy shit that has happened in my life in the last 8 months or so. But I don't think that's all of it. Or maybe that is the cause of it? I don't know. Either way I think I have lost my mind. And not in a good way either. 

It started out as little things. Like I would constantly forget where I would put my car keys, and they would be hanging on my lanyard. Which happens to most people. They have them sitting in my plain sight. But it's gotten so bad. I am forgetting the kids' school events (I NEVER forget those) I am forgetting all of my doctor appointment's. I have to program in my phone what DAY my shows come on. I always get my days mixed up. Usually 3-4 days a week it's still always Tuesday, even if someone has told me that it isn't Tuesday. To me, it's still Tuesday. I forget where I put the trash bags, I can't remember where I took my bra off. I can't remember where I left my deoderant (even though it stays in the bathroom) I lose my coffee cup frequently, or I will leave it at someone's house and forget about it. I also seem to do that with my hoodie's too.

I can be in the MIDDLE of talking to you, and forget what the hell I was even talking about in the first place. Or I will call you about something, and not even know why I called you.

Everything has been plain crazy. And it's slowly but surely getting worse. Why? I have no idea. At first I just thought it was the ubber amount of stress that I was under. Between the stress and the shitty everything situation I put myself in, I figured I just needed to deal with it like I do everything else. You all know how I am by now. If something is thrown at me, I just roll with the punches like I always do.

But I can't stand myself anymore. I can't stand being in my own skin. I can't STAND myself. I am constantly cranky and irritable or bitching about something that doesn't even need to be bitched about really. And bitching is just not my style, at least not how I have been. What can I say? I still have vagina. Bitching is in my DNA. Anywho..

The kids are driving me nuts, even nuttier than normal. They are just kids, and I know they are just kids and some people will tell me "It's just kids being kids" but it isn't ALL just kids being kids. Maybe everything that is going on is getting to them too, but what else can I do? I have tried everything with them too and I am at my wits end with everything anymore. I am running out of patience with everyone and everything. And I am just burnt out.

And before anyone sits here and tells me that I need to talk to a dr, I already did. And you know what happened? Nothing. My doctor doesn't give a flying fuck. There is "nothing" wrong with my head and there must be "something" mentally wrong with me so I must need to see a nut doctor. And we all know what happened with my last nut doctor... So what good would it do me to travel down that road again? I dont think it will and frankly, I have about given up on myself anyways. 

I know I need to hang in there and be a "better" person and mother for my kids. But I am fucking exhausted. I know somewhere along the lines I will find the strength that I need to do what I need to. But for becheesus christ I am exhausted. My own doctor's don't give a shit. And I have been through some doctor's. To be exact I have been through 21 doctor's in the last 1 1/2 years. And I am NOT looking forward to finding new doctor's, even though in my gut I KNOW that is what I need to do.

When am I going to catch a break? Will it ever happen? CHEESUS! I just want to be able to stand being in my own body. Because I can tell ya, most days I can't even stand being in my own body. And there is nothing I can do about it. I mean, do you know what it's life to be trapped in your own body? I mentally want to be able to get up and do what I want to do. Like, go to work like a normal person, do everyday shit like a normal person. And what happens? I can't even roll over without wanting to cry because something has cracked or popped or I can't even roll because it hurts to do that.

So not only have I lost my mind, but I am slowly but surely losing my body too. And there is nothing I can do about it.

So what happens now? All I can do at this point is take it all one day at a time...

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