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Monday, January 6, 2014

What Now?

I don't even know where to begin with this shit. I don't know where to begin with anything anymore. I have felt so horrible for so long and it's all just shining through finally I guess.

Lately I have been questioning my own decisions in my life. It seems I make one shitty choice after another and always manage to get myself in a boat I can't get out of, every.single.time. I always think about things before I do them, whether it be something as simple as dinner or something huge. I always think about what I am doing before I do it. I'm a planner. Which is a good and bad thing, depends on how you look at it. Because I can plan things until I turn purple and nothing ever goes as planned. It never goes as I plan it. But I think it works that way for everyone, doesn't it? So I had decided not to long ago, that I was just going to stop planning shit, because maybe if I don't plan anything at all, then something might go right for a change? That was my thought process anyways. But that surely hasn't happened.

And all I really can say that I do know right now, is that I am in this funk that I can't seem to get myself out of. Usually if I am sad or feeling down I do what I always do. I spend sometime with my kids, or spend some time with my man and I feel better. But that isn't working. At the end of the day, I have still felt the same. I still feel sad, lost, empty, confused and like everything is my fault. Because everything that is going wrong and bad in my life is my fault. Except for the things that are beyond my control, you know. Like the cancer, and incurable diseases that I am stuck living with the rest of my life. Those I can't control. So I am trying to live with all this, while still trying to be a good mom to my kids, and trying so hard to be the best girlfriend I can be to a man who deserves better than my broken ass. All while I fall apart on the inside.

It was so weird how everything has been lately. I was fine, and everything was okay. I was making it day by day and then I just woke up one day and it was like reality had set in, I guess.

Everything that was wrong or not going the way it should, had hit me all at once. My living situation, my health, not working, no money, no friends, no NOTHING. So I just sat and felt sorry for myself, and getting angry at any and everyone who looked at me wrong. Because when it comes to emotions and feelings. I just suck at showing them. It's just one of my many flaws I guess..

I feel like I have tried so hard in my life, to make a better life for my kids, and for me. And what has it gotten me? Nowhere. In one shit whole after another. One health problem after another. One giant mess after another. And what can I do about it? A whole lot of nothing. I can't work, and please don't give me that "get state assistance" crap. Because in this state, that is next to impossible to get for someone like me, who would actually need it. But that is a different blog.

I only have 4 good things in my life right now, and I am trying so hard to focus on them. My oldest daughter, my son, my youngest baby and my man.. But that doesn't seem to be helping me much either.

I just feel like they deserve better than someone like me. My kids deserve better than all this shit. My man deserves someone who isn't all washed up and broken like me. But how do I fix me? How do I get back to the person I know I am when even doctor's can't fix me?

It's all a mess and I don't know what to do anymore. All I do know is that I am tired of trying, I am tired of the same shit all the time, all because of the shitty decisions I make. But they say that all the wrong decisions you make is what you learn from. But then, why I haven't I learned anything?

And now here I am, about to have nowhere to live, no job and 3 kids to raise. What the hell am I supposed to do now? Where do I go from here?

I don't know much of anything anymore. Here is what I do know though:

I have 3 amazing kids. It hasn't seemed to matter how bad I've screwed up, my kids have still turned out pretty well, so far at least. Lol The teenage years haven't approached quite yet, but I am sure that my kids will go from semi evil to pure evil by the time they reach 15. If they make it that long. lol And I have a wonderful man, who is trying so hard to be here for me. Yet, I can't help but think with everything that I am doing wrong, I think I am pushing him away and not even realizing it. I sat here this morning and  thought to myself "Yeah, he deserves so much better than me" 

Back to the feelings thing. I am not good at showing how I feel. I really do suck at showing any kind of emotions. I dont know if it's from how I grew up or just because I am a broken mess or what. But I suck at it. And I have so much Love for this man, he doesn't even realize it. Or maybe he partially does and I am just bad at showing him. But either way, I can't even describe to you the love I have for this man. But it seems with everything inside me that is broken, I can't show it. Why? Who knows, I can't figure it out.

All I do everyday is sit in bed. I don't leave my bed usually. Why? because I have nothing to do, nowhere to go and even if I did, I have no money. So what the hell? I just stay in bed.

I am just plain sad, and it isn't anyone's fault but my own. And I don't know how to fix myself anymore. I don't know how to get back to where I was and I think I will lose some along the way of trying to figure this shit out. I am a Grade A screw up and something in my gut tells me, that this shit is going to get about 99% worse before it gets even an ounce better.

I have lost interest in everything. My blog, Facebook, my books, just about everything I love, I have no interest for anymore. Yeah, I'm depressed and it doesn't look like that's going to turn around anytime soon. And I don't need to go to the doctor. I am there almost weekly and they don't do a damn thing either.

So what now? I love my kids, I love my man. They make me happy. Yet, it doesn't seem to be enough with everything else around me falling apart. So what the fuck now?

This is where I walk away from Facebook, my blog and everything else for awhile. Because I need away I guess. I need time or something, I don't even know what I need. 

And I seem to have no interest in my phone either. So if you call or text or send something on facebook and I don't answer. It's not because I am ignoring you, I just don't give a shit about my phone or who calls and who doesn't or who texts and who doesn't. I just don't care to answer it right now..

But one day, I guess. I just need time

1 comment:

  1. I'm here Jess if ya need me. In some respects I can relate but some I haven't experienced but either way I think you are awesome


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