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Thursday, January 9, 2014

Holding On..

It's only 9 days into the New Year, and I gotta say.. It's already been a shitty year. It has been no different then last year. And I sit here and wonder why? Well sort of. I know why. It seems I keep making the wrong decisions over and over again. Why? Because I try to hard to make everyone else happy. I try to hard to do for other's when in the end, no one does for me and mine but me. It's the truth, folks. When push comes to shove and it dials right down to it. The only one helping me when I need it, is me. Mostly, I understand why. My family (well on my mom's side..) is about as broke as they get. We have always been po' folk. So if it comes down to money and I need it, family is not the way to go. And I can't work right now because of all my health problems going on. So  the only person I have to rely on for any sort of financial support is the boyfriend. And God love him for what he does for my children and I, but in turn that makes us a family of 5, not 4. And I think everyone on this planet can agree that you can't raise a family of 5 off of one income unless you are a doctor or dentist or some shit. So God love him a little more for taking care of me and mine when I can't even do it. But in the end it won't be enough. So as sick as I am, I am also job hunting. Why?

Because I refuse to be that person who sits at home and collects a check every damn month when I would rather be working, even if it's part time. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids with my whole heart and beyond. But they drive me fucking insane. I couldn't sit at home 24/7/365 and just be a stay at home mommy. I couldn't do it. So I am hunting for a job. In my heart, it is something that I have to do. Whether anyone agrees or disagrees with me or not. And even if it kills me, I will git r' done..

So I woke up one morning and had a revelation. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, and worrying about the things that I have no control over. Why don't I just worry about what I can do, and where I can go from here? Why not. I am not a complete idiot. I'm also not completely crazy and I know shit can't stay the way it is now. Or I will go batshit crazy and take everyone with me. So where does that leave me? It leaves me making choices. Hard choices, New choices and even a leap of Faith. And Faith and Hope is not something I think I have much of these days. Sad, but true. 

So I have decided to start making better choices. But as I sit here and think about it. Maybe I need to stop thinking about shit so much, and as Nike would say, Just Do It. I know in the past I have talked about things like this before, but I never really have done any of it. Do you know why? Because I had came to the conclusion that my life would always be crappy. My life would always be full of heartache and pain and more pain and more problems and less money, without Love. And let's just say, I've had some inspiration given to me. The wonderful man I am with. Has been my inspiration to be a better me.

I love him in so many ways, in ways I can't even express. It's just indescribable. He is good to me, better to me than any man I have ever in my life been with. He has his "defects" as he calls them, but so do I. And I think both of our defects we are perfectly imperfect together. We are good together, we make a good team. Relationships are all about give and take, and working together, communicating, trust, love and respect for each other. And we have that. And now that I have it, I don't want to lose it. I am scared to lose it. Or that somehow I will screw everything up and end up broken and alone again. Which gives me chills just thinking about it.  But here I am taking chances, because I want more than I have. I want to be a better person, and a better mother regardless of how I am health wise.

I need to learn to control my pain, and not let my pain control me. Because if I keep letting my pain control me. I am going to end up down a road that I don't want to go down.

The first 2 choices I have decided to make are small steps, yet huge ones for me. Because since both of their death's I haven't stepped foot in the cemetery to see them. My brother who died in 1990, and my great-grandmother who died in 1998. I am going to go see them. I think that is one small, yet huge step for me to move forward to give myself and my kids a better life. 

My kids won't understand what its about until they are older. But I will, and so will my wonderful man.

So I am still holding on. Also taking a really huge leap of Faith, but I'm not quite ready to share that one yet. Maybe tonight or tomorrow. But I will share. Stay tuned my people, stay tuned.


  1. Just take it one day at a time as you have, love that man of yours and those kids and celebrate what you do have...each other. It takes a lot of guts to go out there and get a job and I applaud you for it. YAY you!! You need that for yourself, just to be able to get out of the house and do something with your life. To think about something else besides the same shit every day. Believe things will get better and they will. You are a survivor and a lovely person and you deserve the very best. ♥ Much love and hugs!!

  2. I try to take things one day at at time. Sometimes, somedays, attack me all at once Lol But I am hanging in there the best I can at least. And I am loving him as best as I can.. Feelings, emotions, is not who I am.. I am not very good at showing them, but I am trying. A work in progress I am ;) and job hunting won't be easy either. Especially with nothing much but motherhood under my belt.. :-/

    But one day at a time..

  3. Hang in there.


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