Because I refuse to be that person who sits at home and collects a check every damn month when I would rather be working, even if it's part time. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids with my whole heart and beyond. But they drive me fucking insane. I couldn't sit at home 24/7/365 and just be a stay at home mommy. I couldn't do it. So I am hunting for a job. In my heart, it is something that I have to do. Whether anyone agrees or disagrees with me or not. And even if it kills me, I will git r' done..
So I woke up one morning and had a revelation. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, and worrying about the things that I have no control over. Why don't I just worry about what I can do, and where I can go from here? Why not. I am not a complete idiot. I'm also not completely crazy and I know shit can't stay the way it is now. Or I will go batshit crazy and take everyone with me. So where does that leave me? It leaves me making choices. Hard choices, New choices and even a leap of Faith. And Faith and Hope is not something I think I have much of these days. Sad, but true.
So I have decided to start making better choices. But as I sit here and think about it. Maybe I need to stop thinking about shit so much, and as Nike would say, Just Do It. I know in the past I have talked about things like this before, but I never really have done any of it. Do you know why? Because I had came to the conclusion that my life would always be crappy. My life would always be full of heartache and pain and more pain and more problems and less money, without Love. And let's just say, I've had some inspiration given to me. The wonderful man I am with. Has been my inspiration to be a better me.
I love him in so many ways, in ways I can't even express. It's just indescribable. He is good to me, better to me than any man I have ever in my life been with. He has his "defects" as he calls them, but so do I. And I think both of our defects we are perfectly imperfect together. We are good together, we make a good team. Relationships are all about give and take, and working together, communicating, trust, love and respect for each other. And we have that. And now that I have it, I don't want to lose it. I am scared to lose it. Or that somehow I will screw everything up and end up broken and alone again. Which gives me chills just thinking about it. But here I am taking chances, because I want more than I have. I want to be a better person, and a better mother regardless of how I am health wise.
I need to learn to control my pain, and not let my pain control me. Because if I keep letting my pain control me. I am going to end up down a road that I don't want to go down.
The first 2 choices I have decided to make are small steps, yet huge ones for me. Because since both of their death's I haven't stepped foot in the cemetery to see them. My brother who died in 1990, and my great-grandmother who died in 1998. I am going to go see them. I think that is one small, yet huge step for me to move forward to give myself and my kids a better life.
My kids won't understand what its about until they are older. But I will, and so will my wonderful man.
So I am still holding on. Also taking a really huge leap of Faith, but I'm not quite ready to share that one yet. Maybe tonight or tomorrow. But I will share. Stay tuned my people, stay tuned.