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Friday, January 17, 2014

Dreams

Lately, for probably about the last week or so I have been having the most disturbing dreams. And when I say disturbing let me clarify a little bit.

We all know that I'm weird, so all in all the dreams that I do remember are usually disturbing. That's nothing new. But these dreams, just flat out have my anxiety going insane. They bother me so much that I don't even want to go to sleep because I know these dreams will come back, with full force. I wouldn't even call them dreams really, more like nightmares. But I am also a firm believer that our dreams are our subconscious' way of telling us all about ourselves, and how we deal with shit.. Which I think is the most disturbing part.

I'm sitting her typing about it, and I don't even really want to talk about them, they bother me that much. But I need to get that out. All these dreams are affecting my daily life. They are all I think about it. Can't seem to get them out of my mind. And sitting here, I have absolutely nothing to do but spend time in my own head. I can't go anywhere, and even if I did I have nowhere to go and it's to damn cold. So here I sit, thinking about these dreams all day and all night long and it's all driving me crazy.

They are just so vivid, so real. It's just scary. And at first I thought it may be from the combination of meds that I am on. Because for all purposes, I am a walking pharmacy. But I don't think it's the meds. The meds that I am on, I have been on for years. If it were the meds, wouldn't I of have had these "nightmare" before now?

I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I have sat here for days thinking "What does it all mean?" "Why am I having these dreams?" and "Just what is going to happen next?"

I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat from them, they are that vivid they wake me up several times in the middle of the night. Maybe it's just everything going on, maybe it is stress. Maybe I am overthinking things and spending to much time in my head, but I really wish I knew how to get rid of these dreams...

My head and mind just need to get their shit together and work it all out before it drives me crazier than I already am...

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Holding On..

It's only 9 days into the New Year, and I gotta say.. It's already been a shitty year. It has been no different then last year. And I sit here and wonder why? Well sort of. I know why. It seems I keep making the wrong decisions over and over again. Why? Because I try to hard to make everyone else happy. I try to hard to do for other's when in the end, no one does for me and mine but me. It's the truth, folks. When push comes to shove and it dials right down to it. The only one helping me when I need it, is me. Mostly, I understand why. My family (well on my mom's side..) is about as broke as they get. We have always been po' folk. So if it comes down to money and I need it, family is not the way to go. And I can't work right now because of all my health problems going on. So  the only person I have to rely on for any sort of financial support is the boyfriend. And God love him for what he does for my children and I, but in turn that makes us a family of 5, not 4. And I think everyone on this planet can agree that you can't raise a family of 5 off of one income unless you are a doctor or dentist or some shit. So God love him a little more for taking care of me and mine when I can't even do it. But in the end it won't be enough. So as sick as I am, I am also job hunting. Why?

Because I refuse to be that person who sits at home and collects a check every damn month when I would rather be working, even if it's part time. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids with my whole heart and beyond. But they drive me fucking insane. I couldn't sit at home 24/7/365 and just be a stay at home mommy. I couldn't do it. So I am hunting for a job. In my heart, it is something that I have to do. Whether anyone agrees or disagrees with me or not. And even if it kills me, I will git r' done..

So I woke up one morning and had a revelation. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, and worrying about the things that I have no control over. Why don't I just worry about what I can do, and where I can go from here? Why not. I am not a complete idiot. I'm also not completely crazy and I know shit can't stay the way it is now. Or I will go batshit crazy and take everyone with me. So where does that leave me? It leaves me making choices. Hard choices, New choices and even a leap of Faith. And Faith and Hope is not something I think I have much of these days. Sad, but true. 

So I have decided to start making better choices. But as I sit here and think about it. Maybe I need to stop thinking about shit so much, and as Nike would say, Just Do It. I know in the past I have talked about things like this before, but I never really have done any of it. Do you know why? Because I had came to the conclusion that my life would always be crappy. My life would always be full of heartache and pain and more pain and more problems and less money, without Love. And let's just say, I've had some inspiration given to me. The wonderful man I am with. Has been my inspiration to be a better me.

I love him in so many ways, in ways I can't even express. It's just indescribable. He is good to me, better to me than any man I have ever in my life been with. He has his "defects" as he calls them, but so do I. And I think both of our defects we are perfectly imperfect together. We are good together, we make a good team. Relationships are all about give and take, and working together, communicating, trust, love and respect for each other. And we have that. And now that I have it, I don't want to lose it. I am scared to lose it. Or that somehow I will screw everything up and end up broken and alone again. Which gives me chills just thinking about it.  But here I am taking chances, because I want more than I have. I want to be a better person, and a better mother regardless of how I am health wise.

I need to learn to control my pain, and not let my pain control me. Because if I keep letting my pain control me. I am going to end up down a road that I don't want to go down.

The first 2 choices I have decided to make are small steps, yet huge ones for me. Because since both of their death's I haven't stepped foot in the cemetery to see them. My brother who died in 1990, and my great-grandmother who died in 1998. I am going to go see them. I think that is one small, yet huge step for me to move forward to give myself and my kids a better life. 

My kids won't understand what its about until they are older. But I will, and so will my wonderful man.

So I am still holding on. Also taking a really huge leap of Faith, but I'm not quite ready to share that one yet. Maybe tonight or tomorrow. But I will share. Stay tuned my people, stay tuned.

Monday, January 6, 2014

What Now?

I don't even know where to begin with this shit. I don't know where to begin with anything anymore. I have felt so horrible for so long and it's all just shining through finally I guess.

Lately I have been questioning my own decisions in my life. It seems I make one shitty choice after another and always manage to get myself in a boat I can't get out of, every.single.time. I always think about things before I do them, whether it be something as simple as dinner or something huge. I always think about what I am doing before I do it. I'm a planner. Which is a good and bad thing, depends on how you look at it. Because I can plan things until I turn purple and nothing ever goes as planned. It never goes as I plan it. But I think it works that way for everyone, doesn't it? So I had decided not to long ago, that I was just going to stop planning shit, because maybe if I don't plan anything at all, then something might go right for a change? That was my thought process anyways. But that surely hasn't happened.

And all I really can say that I do know right now, is that I am in this funk that I can't seem to get myself out of. Usually if I am sad or feeling down I do what I always do. I spend sometime with my kids, or spend some time with my man and I feel better. But that isn't working. At the end of the day, I have still felt the same. I still feel sad, lost, empty, confused and like everything is my fault. Because everything that is going wrong and bad in my life is my fault. Except for the things that are beyond my control, you know. Like the cancer, and incurable diseases that I am stuck living with the rest of my life. Those I can't control. So I am trying to live with all this, while still trying to be a good mom to my kids, and trying so hard to be the best girlfriend I can be to a man who deserves better than my broken ass. All while I fall apart on the inside.

It was so weird how everything has been lately. I was fine, and everything was okay. I was making it day by day and then I just woke up one day and it was like reality had set in, I guess.

Everything that was wrong or not going the way it should, had hit me all at once. My living situation, my health, not working, no money, no friends, no NOTHING. So I just sat and felt sorry for myself, and getting angry at any and everyone who looked at me wrong. Because when it comes to emotions and feelings. I just suck at showing them. It's just one of my many flaws I guess..

I feel like I have tried so hard in my life, to make a better life for my kids, and for me. And what has it gotten me? Nowhere. In one shit whole after another. One health problem after another. One giant mess after another. And what can I do about it? A whole lot of nothing. I can't work, and please don't give me that "get state assistance" crap. Because in this state, that is next to impossible to get for someone like me, who would actually need it. But that is a different blog.

I only have 4 good things in my life right now, and I am trying so hard to focus on them. My oldest daughter, my son, my youngest baby and my man.. But that doesn't seem to be helping me much either.

I just feel like they deserve better than someone like me. My kids deserve better than all this shit. My man deserves someone who isn't all washed up and broken like me. But how do I fix me? How do I get back to the person I know I am when even doctor's can't fix me?

It's all a mess and I don't know what to do anymore. All I do know is that I am tired of trying, I am tired of the same shit all the time, all because of the shitty decisions I make. But they say that all the wrong decisions you make is what you learn from. But then, why I haven't I learned anything?

And now here I am, about to have nowhere to live, no job and 3 kids to raise. What the hell am I supposed to do now? Where do I go from here?

I don't know much of anything anymore. Here is what I do know though:

I have 3 amazing kids. It hasn't seemed to matter how bad I've screwed up, my kids have still turned out pretty well, so far at least. Lol The teenage years haven't approached quite yet, but I am sure that my kids will go from semi evil to pure evil by the time they reach 15. If they make it that long. lol And I have a wonderful man, who is trying so hard to be here for me. Yet, I can't help but think with everything that I am doing wrong, I think I am pushing him away and not even realizing it. I sat here this morning and  thought to myself "Yeah, he deserves so much better than me" 

Back to the feelings thing. I am not good at showing how I feel. I really do suck at showing any kind of emotions. I dont know if it's from how I grew up or just because I am a broken mess or what. But I suck at it. And I have so much Love for this man, he doesn't even realize it. Or maybe he partially does and I am just bad at showing him. But either way, I can't even describe to you the love I have for this man. But it seems with everything inside me that is broken, I can't show it. Why? Who knows, I can't figure it out.

All I do everyday is sit in bed. I don't leave my bed usually. Why? because I have nothing to do, nowhere to go and even if I did, I have no money. So what the hell? I just stay in bed.

I am just plain sad, and it isn't anyone's fault but my own. And I don't know how to fix myself anymore. I don't know how to get back to where I was and I think I will lose some along the way of trying to figure this shit out. I am a Grade A screw up and something in my gut tells me, that this shit is going to get about 99% worse before it gets even an ounce better.

I have lost interest in everything. My blog, Facebook, my books, just about everything I love, I have no interest for anymore. Yeah, I'm depressed and it doesn't look like that's going to turn around anytime soon. And I don't need to go to the doctor. I am there almost weekly and they don't do a damn thing either.

So what now? I love my kids, I love my man. They make me happy. Yet, it doesn't seem to be enough with everything else around me falling apart. So what the fuck now?

This is where I walk away from Facebook, my blog and everything else for awhile. Because I need away I guess. I need time or something, I don't even know what I need. 

And I seem to have no interest in my phone either. So if you call or text or send something on facebook and I don't answer. It's not because I am ignoring you, I just don't give a shit about my phone or who calls and who doesn't or who texts and who doesn't. I just don't care to answer it right now..

But one day, I guess. I just need time


Friday, January 3, 2014

Yea, I Said It! SO WHAT?

So I don't even remember exactly how long ago it was, but it wasn't very long ago. I was just minding my own business in my crazy life, with my crazy kids and I had posted something on MY personal Facebook page about my son. He was being a total ass one day. Getting into shit, taking shit apart trying to put it back together, running around like I slipped some crack in his cereal. He was being a total douche. So I posted on Facebook that my son was being a total douche. Yeah, I said it! So what?

Boy, Oh Boy! I didn't expect what happened next. First I got a slew of "I'm so glad I'm not alone" kind of posts and then came the nasty comments. Then came the "You're a piece of shit mom" and "Your kids are going to hate you when they get older" and blah blah blah. Normally I let them go. Because really, if you know me. Then you know how I am with my kids. You know how I talk to my kids, how I raise my kids and how my kids are. So why on Earth would anyone say that shit? Because. Everyone is so damn judgemental to other parent's it is sickening. The internet is plain sickening anymore. And I don't think that will ever change.. People are always so judging about how you are parenting wrong, and you should do this and not do this and not do that. And I will never understand why. Because every child on this planet is different. For instance..

My oldest daughter is almost 12 going on 40. She thinks the world revolves around her and we should worship the ground she walks on. Sorry, my little minion. It doesn't revolve around you or anyone else. She is a snotty little brat. And I do NOT sugarcoat anything with my children. If she is being a brat, I will tell her she is being a stuck up snotty brat and she changes her attitude. Because she knows.

My son, has  been a Grade A douche lately. Is it my parenting? NO. It comes with the territory of a 7 year old. He is destructive and loud and smells and pees everywhere. So I tell him. "Yo! Dude, you're pissing all over my toilet, you're cleaning it. Cuz, I pee IN the toilet, not around it! And you are the only BOY pissing around the toilet" Am I an asshole? Am I mean? Maybe. But he is still a douche and I will tell him when he is being a douche and he knocks his shit off. Because he knows that's how this mama rolls..

My youngest, she was spoiled from birth I think. Because she is the baby and she was premature and teeny tiny. She also has a vagina and thinks the world revolves around her. She has now reached 3 years old and thinks she is the #1 Princess in the world and everything is ALL about her. She is a brat. I tell her she is a brat. But guess what folks? She's 3. All three year old children are brats whether you want to admit it or not. 

I just today even had someone question my CLASS as a person because I called my son a Grade A Douche and I did it publicly for everyone to see. Does that make me a bad parent? Well if you think so, think what you want ALL you want. Because it doesn't hurt my feelings.

I don't sugar coat my life. I don't sugar coat anything with my kids either. This is 2014 folks! The world is changing. People are changing, kids are changing, Parenting itself is changing. 

I remember when I was a kid, my grandma would tell me to "Pick a switch" off the tree to get my ass whooped with. Nowadays you even mention the word spank on the internet and its freakin Pearl Harbor out there. Really? I'm sorry. Maybe I am a shitty parent and I keep it real with my kids, but if they need a good ole' fashioned ass whoopin' they will get it. Why? Because that's how I was raised, and it taught me RESPECT. Something not a whole lot of kids have these days in my opinion because to many people are afraid to get slapped with child abuse because they whoop that ass when need be.

So, to sum it up.  My oldest is a snotty stuck up brat, my son is a Grade A Douche and my youngest is a brat too. Call me all the names you want, say what you want. Feel what you want. But I will keep it just as real with my children as I will anyone else on this planet, because that is how I roll.

But while you are busy judging me make sure you keep in mind who I am. I'm the single mom raising 3 kids by herself. I'm also that mom who works her ass off to keep food in their bellies, a roof over their head, and clothes on their backs. Who works everyday to make sure they have everything they need. Who bends over backwards and sideways to make sure my children have the life that I never had. Who is sick as shit and still gets out of bed everyday to raise my children. Had surgery after surgery to try and make myself a better person, a better mother. A mother whom also has Cancer and will kick it's ass to show the world that I can do this. I am the friend you can call at 3am and tell me you are sick as fuck and I will show up the next day with a soup, crackers and laughs. 

I am also one hell of a woman. So judge my parenting all you wish. I promise it won't hurt my feelings or change how I choose to raise my kids. But I won't judge you for how you raise your kids. Because they are your kids, not mine.

Don't like it? Exit to the left...

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Broadcasting For The Entire Internet

Since I had started Facebook, well even before then. Since I started out originally on MySpace. I have always gotten a lot of shit for what I do and don't post about. MySpace fell apart years ago, what was it? 2009 I wanna say. So I did what everyone else did, and moved on over to Facebook. Originally I HATED Facebook with a passion. Because it wasn't MySpace, and mostly because I couldn't blog on Facebook. So I sought out otherways to be able to blog where other's could see. And a good friend, a good blogger friend whom I don't see around much anymore, Howie. Told me to look into blogger. It was an easy set up, and you could post to MySpace, and Facebook, email etc.. I gotta say I was leary at first. But anyways, I started blogger. And ever since Day 1 I have secretly been taking shit on my blog for the things I post about OPENLY on my Facebook and even here for that matter. Why?

Because to the people I know closest (on my Facebook) and even here, I have nothing to hide from anyone. I don't keep things private. Not even my sex life, why? Well, why keep things that are so great to myself? People often ask me why I am so open on social networks, yet if you meet me in person, unless I have known you for a really long time (years I'm talkin..) or you are family (and sometimes not even then) I will say only a few words in person. I seem quiet and reserved. Yet, even my own family knows I am batshit crazy and have some serious screws loose. But they love me for it.

But it isn't just the good things I like to share. I share everything. The good, the bad and the ugly. And I get messages sent to me like "Why on Earth would you post that for everyone to see?" And I let out a simple reply, "Because I can. And it is my life, why are you so concerned with it?"

Now that might sound a tad rude? But really. These messages come from most people who only know me online. Never met me in person, or never really. Also, people whom have never taken the time to actually get to know me. To understand why I post the shit that I post. You don't know me, so instead of trying to find out about me, you are just going to judge? Well that is the interwebz for you I suppose.

But judgement comes with the blogging territory right? I suppose it does and I should just let it go like I always do. But sometimes it really irks me..

But I broadcast it all. Because that is just who I am. Love me or hate me, I am still gonna shine and post whatever the hell I want. With that said, I will now continue with the rest of the blogs I had in mind to post today. I have 2. So stay tuned..