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Thursday, December 12, 2013

I'm Not Dead Yet!

So I have been saying for days now (almost a week I think) about this blog I was going to write to update everyone on what the fuck was going on with me. And I would have written it and posted it already but I have been a lazy bitch lately. Well I say I am lazy, my man tells me that it's just my body's way of telling me to slow my fuckin' roll. But all I have done all week is sleep. That's all my body wants to do is sleep lately. Between the asshat doctor's and real life, I am fuckin exhausted. I really am. My mind, body and soul is just plain exhausted and all I have done is sleep. All day, and all night long.

I like sleeping, the real world is put on hold while I am sleeping. It's just me in my dreamworld. And I say that, but I sleep so heavy that I don't remember my dreams. And the dreams that I do remember I spend DAYS trying to decipher. Because I am a strong and firm believer that our dreams is our unconscious's way of telling us something. So I will decipher. But I could go on and on about that shit, we'll save that for a different post. Anyways..

As you all know I am as sick as a person gets. I really didn't think my body could get any worse. BOY was I completely wrong. I think the more I tell myself, "Can it get any fuckin worse???" God seems to think that is a challenge and gives me more shit that my body can't seem to handle. Or maybe it's shit that God thinks I can handle but I really don't want to handle? I'm not quite sure how I view it all just yet. But I have gone through stages of how I feel. Some, you all have seen on Facebook and some you haven't. But here is (so far) what I know is wrong with me to this day (December 12, 2013)

~Celiac's Disease
~Crohn's Disease

and just a few days ago after getting 1 opinion, a 2nd opinion and a third opinion I was diagnosed with Stage 2 Leukemia.

Right at this very moment I don't know much about any of them, haven't done much research on them and have avoided my doctor's all week, because I have been in denial. I mean this can't be happening, can it? Not to me? WHAT THE FUCK?

All I do know is that I can't eat anything with gluten, wheat, barley or soy. Which as we all know (or don't) sums up just about every food on the planet. Except for meat and fruits. And we all know that I am not a big meat eater *insert dirty thought here* and fruits? Are only good covered in chocolate, which I can't have.

Dude, what the fuck? What the hell am I supposed to do? Eat like a rabbit the rest of my life? I dont think I can do that. In the past 16 days I went from 162lbs down to 143lbs. And there isn't much I can do about it. I try so very hard to eat, but it ALL comes back up. Doesn't matter what it is.

So Monday, some rude doctor lady I have only met once, knocked me out and shoved a scope down my throat and did a biopsy on every single one of my internal organs. I slept all day and all night long, until today. I still have NO IDEA what the results are from that. Just that they gave me some more nasty ass pills to shove down my throat to try and "minimize" my symptoms. Which as you can tell by my sarcasm that they aren't all. So I throw up all day long. Doesn't matter what I eat or don't eat. What I cut out or add to my diet. I am a human puking machine..

I dont know how I feel about any of it. I don't know what is going to happen next and they still aren't even 100% sure what route they are taking with my newfound Cancer. They need to wait on the endless bloodwork and cultures to come back to see how "bad" it really is before they can decide what to do.

So this is me, sick as hell and only going to get worse. I am officially skin and bones. All sorts of pale and Nightmare Before Christmas lookin, but I am not dead yet, that's good right?

What happens next? I guess some days will be better than others. But I am going to do what I always do. Keep pushing forward, one minute at a time. Because even though I don't want to and I am fuckin tired and have every right to give up. I can't.. I have 3 babies and I am all they have. So I have to get better. There is no one else here for my babies, just me.

One minute at a time, who is with me?


  1. Babymama I am always here, I hope you know that. I wish we lived closer!

    1. I wish we lived closer to babymama! We don't get to spend nearly as much time together as we should!! <3

  2. =( My mom has Crohns. I remember the crap she went through. although they thought hers was colon cancer...she opted out of getting some of her intestine taking out so now she has no intestines and is on a poop bag for the rest of her life compare to the 6 months she would have gotten had she listen to the docs. Jessie i love u!! and im here to talk!

    1. Yeah, Jessie will NEVER have a shit bag LOL I will be just fine. It's not the diseases that will get me, the cancer will for sure. But I will be okay. I will make it one day at a time.. I <3 you


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