Growing up, affection wasn't something that was done openly in my house. Mostly because my family was tore up from the floor up. I won't get into that story now.. But anyways. Affection isn't something I am very good at with other people, just my kids. I will tell my kids all day long that I love them and give them hugs and kisses and what not. But it's different with the other half. Because to me, it's just weird.
And all these emotions and feelings I have inside me, seriously scare the shit out of me. It makes me nervous, and scared and there is a teeny tiny part of me that just wants to RUN like the wind because of all these fuckin emotions. My vagina is leaking all over this place, folks. And it's something I haven't felt before, and nothing like this has ever happened to me. And it really scares me to death. I dont know if it's just because it's new and nothing like before. Or if it's just because that I am so broken, so beyond repair that I am not sure I am capable of feeling. But, I am.
This man, this wonderful man that I am with, makes my heart hit my stomach. It's been exactly 105 days (yeah I counted them.. cuz that's just how I roll lately..) It has been 105 days since I have known this man and my heart melts just sitting next to him. I can't tell him these things though, because I go to look at him and say something and my mouth gets stage fright and I just freeze up and look like a tard. Lol But when it comes to looking into his eyes, I just can't tell him things. What is wrong with me? Why am I this way?
I think I have just been hurt so many times, by so many different men in my life, that I didn't even think I was capable of opening my heart and sharing my life with someone else. Because every other man that has been in my life has either left, let me down, or just plain bolted for no logical reason. So for the longest time I believed I was just destined to be alone. I was destined and put on this earth to raise my babies by myself and enjoy my own company for the rest of my life. But not anymore.
I love this man with every fiber of my being, I just can't seem to express it the way I want to. I am really trying, I AM. It may not seem like it, but I am. Because this is all new to me. This whole love and through thick and thin business. Because it wasn't like that with the so-called "man" I married (coward...) I never felt that way about him. Which should have been my first cue to NOT do it, but I did. And now I can't wait until my divorce is final so I don't have to worry about that douche anymore..
This man, I can see a future with him, a nice long future. Because we are perfect for each other and we get along so great it's almost sickening. If I were an outsider looking in, this is the part I would be gesturing gagging and puking noises.. That's how good we are together.
He doesn't know it, well not until he reads this.. But he does complete me. I don't feel the same without him around, He makes my girly parts tingle. He makes my heart melt and I never get tired of being around him. And in the short 105 days that we have been together, he has taken care of me better than anyone in my entire life.
The morning I had to go in for my scope, he took the day off of work so he could go in with me so I wasn't alone. He is taking his check, and even though he doesn't have any reason to, is using it so my kids can have a Christmas. He brought me home wooden roses because he said they wouldn't die like the real ones would.. lol It's the little things like this, that make my heart melt and make me love him just a little bit more everyday. My bitter little heart opens up a little more everyday to his man, because I don't know how I made it this far in my life without him. And I am so glad that I have him, I don't want to go anymore days without him.
What does our future hold? I wonder, I even dream about it. Which is new for me. Because I know what I want to happen, but we are pretty in sync with each other. So I am sure he wants the same things that I do, but he isn't the best with expression either, so it is something that we are working on together :) But we take things one day at a time in our relationship. It seems to work for us. But there have been some whispers between us about getting a place together. Living together.
Now that scares me a little bit. Change in general scares me and it raises my anxiety just a little bit. But I am ready for the change. I want the change and I want to be with this man until he get sick of my crazy. He's seen some of my crazy, but hasn't seen me running around with a cast iron skillet crazy. But I think even then, he isn't going anywhere.
Because something tells me, that even though he can't express it well, better than me...but.. (one of many things we have in common) he feels the same way. But I guess we will see after this blog, that I have shared with you all for any and everyone to see. Because I don't care who knows about us, or what anyone thinks about us either.
All that matters is what we think, and how we feel about each other that counts. That is the only thing that counts. Well, and my kids. But the kids and him also get along well. A lot better than anyone else from my past, and that makes me a little giddy too. But shhh, don't tell anyone, mmmkay?
But this love, I can't even describe. Which is how real love is supposed to be, right? Undescribable? That's how it is. I can't really put it into words. I love falling asleep in his arms and love waking up in them every morning and don't want to be without his arms again. Cuz him and I belong together.
And I would talk about the awesome, mind blowing, great sex. But that would turn into another naughty blog and I'm not sure we are ready to share that many details about our life together, haha. Well I am, but yanno. Somethings I just want to keep to myself.
I love him, more than he will ever truly realize and more than I will ever manage to express. But I am working on it. One day at a time ;)
With all this emotion all over the place, I will leave you with "our" song... And let your imagination run wild... ;-)