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Saturday, December 14, 2013

Anti-Bucket List

So it's been awhile since I have thought about the things that I don't want to do before I die. I mean, I made the list of the things I wanted to do before I die. I did that awhile ago. I wrote my bucket list and I also wrote my fucket list, which as I look back now, never seemed to get published. Lol But an anti-bucket list? I hadn't thought about until the topic was brought up. But I have thought about it, and here is what I have on my anti-bucket list.

1) Never do want to go bungee jumping after all. I came into this world because of a broken rubber, I am surely not going to leave that way.

2) I never want to experience sanity, It would break me!

3) I don't want to die a bitter, coldhearted old lady with no love in her life. I don't know what I would do with out my baby! I can't imagine living without him.

4) Thanks to these not-so-awesome diseases I now have, I never want to go another day without a cheeseburger.

5) I don't ever want to do without my kids. They are assholes on a good day, but they are mine. And I wouldn't imagine my life without them..

6) I could go the rest of my life, without having any sort of physical (or otherwise) interaction with my biological father. I decided awhile back that I really don't need people in my life who don't need/want me in their's. So I am not going to try anymore. And just move on with my life, without him.

7) When I die, I want everyone to celebrate. With lots and lots of tequila. And while they are lowering me into the ground I want them to play Snoop Dogg's "Drop It Like It's Hot" so everyone can get one last giggle from me, while I'm dead.

Also, while I am on the dead thing. When I die, I want someone to hack my facebook and say "There really is wifi up here!" cuz at this point in my life I am not sure if I am going up or down. But that's a different blog.

So there you have it, for now. My anti-bucket list. Maybe one day I will add more to it, but this is all I can think of for now...

*side note - if you hover over the white parts, you'll find links..jus sayin'*

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Babe, Are You Paying Attention?

Emotions and feelings are something I am NOT good at. Anyone who knows me well enough, knows this already. I'm just not a feelings person. It makes me feel weird and all fidgety (fijity?) just thinking about it. Lol

Growing up, affection wasn't something that was done openly in my house. Mostly because my family was tore up from the floor up. I won't get into that story now.. But anyways. Affection isn't something I am very good at with other people, just my kids. I will tell my kids all day long that I love them and give them hugs and kisses and what not. But it's different with the other half. Because to me, it's just weird.

And all these emotions and feelings I have inside me, seriously scare the shit out of me. It makes me nervous, and scared and there is a teeny tiny part of me that just wants to RUN like the wind because of all these fuckin emotions. My vagina is leaking all over this place, folks. And it's something I haven't felt before, and nothing like this has ever happened to me. And it really scares me to death. I dont know if it's just because it's new and nothing like before. Or if it's just because that I am so broken, so beyond repair that I am not sure I am capable of feeling. But, I am.

This man, this wonderful man that I am with, makes my heart hit my stomach. It's been exactly 105 days (yeah I counted them.. cuz that's just how I roll lately..) It has been 105 days since I have known this man and my heart melts just sitting next to him. I can't tell him these things though, because I go to look at him and say something and my mouth gets stage fright and I just freeze up and look like a tard. Lol But when it comes to looking into his eyes, I just can't tell him things. What is wrong with me? Why am I this way?

I think I have just been hurt so many times, by so many different men in my life, that I didn't even think I was capable of opening my heart and sharing my life with someone else. Because every other man that has been in my life has either left, let me down, or just plain bolted for no logical reason. So for the longest time I believed I was just destined to be alone. I was destined and put on this earth to raise my babies by myself and enjoy my own company for the rest of my life. But not anymore.

I love this man with every fiber of my being, I just can't seem to express it the way I want to. I am really trying, I AM. It may not seem like it, but I am. Because this is all new to me. This whole love and through thick and thin business. Because it wasn't like that with the so-called "man" I married (coward...) I never felt that way about him. Which should have been my first cue to NOT do it, but I did. And now I can't wait until my divorce is final so I don't have to worry about that douche anymore..

This man, I can see a future with him, a nice long future. Because we are perfect for each other and we get along so great it's almost sickening. If I were an outsider looking in, this is the part I would be gesturing gagging and puking noises.. That's how good we are together.

He doesn't know it, well not until he reads this.. But he does complete me. I don't feel the same without him around, He makes my girly parts tingle. He makes my heart melt and I never get tired of being around him. And in the short 105 days that we have been together, he has taken care of me better than anyone in my entire life.

The morning I had to go in for my scope, he took the day off of work so he could go in with me so I wasn't alone. He is taking his check, and even though he doesn't have any reason to, is using it so my kids can have a Christmas. He brought me home wooden roses because he said they wouldn't die like the real ones would.. lol  It's the little things like this, that make my heart melt and make me love him just a little bit more everyday. My bitter little heart opens up a little more everyday to his man, because I don't know how I made it this far in my life without him. And I am so glad that I have him, I don't want to go anymore days without him.

What does our future hold? I wonder, I even dream about it. Which is new for me. Because I know what I want to happen, but we are pretty in sync with each other. So I am sure he wants the same things that I do, but he isn't the best with expression either, so it is something that we are working on together :) But we take things one day at a time in our relationship. It seems to work for us. But there have been some whispers between us about getting a place together. Living together.

Now that scares me a little bit. Change in general scares me and it raises my anxiety just a little bit. But I am ready for the change. I want the change and I want to be with this man until he get sick of my crazy. He's seen some of my crazy, but hasn't seen me running around with a cast iron skillet crazy. But I think even then, he isn't going anywhere.

Because something tells me, that even though he can't express it well, better than me...but.. (one of many things we have in common) he feels the same way. But I guess we will see after this blog, that I have shared with you all for any and everyone to see. Because I don't care who knows about us, or what anyone thinks about us either.

All that matters is what we think, and how we feel about each other that counts. That is the only thing that counts. Well, and my kids. But the kids and him also get along well. A lot better than anyone else from my past, and that makes me a little giddy too. But shhh, don't tell anyone, mmmkay?

But this love,  I can't even describe. Which is how real love is supposed to be, right? Undescribable? That's how it is. I can't really put it into words. I love falling asleep in his arms and love waking up in them every morning and don't want to be without his arms again. Cuz him and I belong together.

And I would talk about the awesome, mind blowing, great sex. But that would turn into another naughty blog and I'm not sure we are ready to share that many details about our life together, haha. Well I am, but yanno. Somethings I just want to keep to myself.

I love him, more than he will ever truly realize and more than I will ever manage to express. But I am working on it. One day at a time ;)

With all this emotion all over the place, I will leave you with "our" song... And let your imagination run wild... ;-)


I'm Not Dead Yet!

So I have been saying for days now (almost a week I think) about this blog I was going to write to update everyone on what the fuck was going on with me. And I would have written it and posted it already but I have been a lazy bitch lately. Well I say I am lazy, my man tells me that it's just my body's way of telling me to slow my fuckin' roll. But all I have done all week is sleep. That's all my body wants to do is sleep lately. Between the asshat doctor's and real life, I am fuckin exhausted. I really am. My mind, body and soul is just plain exhausted and all I have done is sleep. All day, and all night long.

I like sleeping, the real world is put on hold while I am sleeping. It's just me in my dreamworld. And I say that, but I sleep so heavy that I don't remember my dreams. And the dreams that I do remember I spend DAYS trying to decipher. Because I am a strong and firm believer that our dreams is our unconscious's way of telling us something. So I will decipher. But I could go on and on about that shit, we'll save that for a different post. Anyways..

As you all know I am as sick as a person gets. I really didn't think my body could get any worse. BOY was I completely wrong. I think the more I tell myself, "Can it get any fuckin worse???" God seems to think that is a challenge and gives me more shit that my body can't seem to handle. Or maybe it's shit that God thinks I can handle but I really don't want to handle? I'm not quite sure how I view it all just yet. But I have gone through stages of how I feel. Some, you all have seen on Facebook and some you haven't. But here is (so far) what I know is wrong with me to this day (December 12, 2013)

~Celiac's Disease
~Crohn's Disease

and just a few days ago after getting 1 opinion, a 2nd opinion and a third opinion I was diagnosed with Stage 2 Leukemia.

Right at this very moment I don't know much about any of them, haven't done much research on them and have avoided my doctor's all week, because I have been in denial. I mean this can't be happening, can it? Not to me? WHAT THE FUCK?

All I do know is that I can't eat anything with gluten, wheat, barley or soy. Which as we all know (or don't) sums up just about every food on the planet. Except for meat and fruits. And we all know that I am not a big meat eater *insert dirty thought here* and fruits? Are only good covered in chocolate, which I can't have.

Dude, what the fuck? What the hell am I supposed to do? Eat like a rabbit the rest of my life? I dont think I can do that. In the past 16 days I went from 162lbs down to 143lbs. And there isn't much I can do about it. I try so very hard to eat, but it ALL comes back up. Doesn't matter what it is.

So Monday, some rude doctor lady I have only met once, knocked me out and shoved a scope down my throat and did a biopsy on every single one of my internal organs. I slept all day and all night long, until today. I still have NO IDEA what the results are from that. Just that they gave me some more nasty ass pills to shove down my throat to try and "minimize" my symptoms. Which as you can tell by my sarcasm that they aren't working...at all. So I throw up all day long. Doesn't matter what I eat or don't eat. What I cut out or add to my diet. I am a human puking machine..

I dont know how I feel about any of it. I don't know what is going to happen next and they still aren't even 100% sure what route they are taking with my newfound Cancer. They need to wait on the endless bloodwork and cultures to come back to see how "bad" it really is before they can decide what to do.

So this is me, sick as hell and only going to get worse. I am officially skin and bones. All sorts of pale and Nightmare Before Christmas lookin, but I am not dead yet, that's good right?

What happens next? I guess some days will be better than others. But I am going to do what I always do. Keep pushing forward, one minute at a time. Because even though I don't want to and I am fuckin tired and have every right to give up. I can't.. I have 3 babies and I am all they have. So I have to get better. There is no one else here for my babies, just me.

One minute at a time, who is with me?

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Kids Are Assholes And Other Shit. But Mostly, Kids Are Assholes...

You know that moment... When you have so much going on and so much to say and nothing comes out of your damn mouth? That's how I've been lately. All I can think is, What the fuck now? What is really going to happen now... What's going to happen next? And Why does all this shit have to always happen to me?

If you've been reading this blog, for even a month, Hell! A week even then you pretty much know that I have been sicker than a dog for what seems like FOREVER now. And let me tell ya, God sure as fuck hasn't made it any easier on me, cuz ya know. That's all I needed..

So after throwing my intestines up in the toilet, I finally decide to go to the doctor because I am sick of throwing my intestines up and I'm fuckin hungry. So I'm like, "Look doc, you gotta make this shit stop, asap yo!" Cuz I can't handle losing anymore of my intestines. And she takes blood and listens to my lungs and heart and blah blah blah, the standard shit you know. And she leaves the room with that goofy ass resident she insists on bringing in every.single.time. And comes back with this blank stare on her face. And I'm over here like, WTF doc? She wants me to go to the hospital. She wants me to be admitted because shit is just horrible. Reality set in: Shit just got real, yo.

OH YEAH! That's my luck. Get admitted to the hospital and they are vampires. I dont give a fuck what anyone says, they are vampires. I swear to becheesus christs they took all my blood last week. All of it. I had so many needle holes in my body, a heroine addict would have been impressed. See, check it out:

Night 1
Night 2


Night 3


And I didn't take the "after hospital" pics because I couldn't stand being in my own skin after all that, I sure as hell wasn't sharing the end results with anyone. I didn't even want to look in the mirror, cuz I knew I looked that damn rough. And just a few short days after being released, I still look rough. But not to damn bad I guess. I clean up well. This is what I looked like the day I was released. I tried really hard to not "look" sick so my kids wouldn't know what the fuck was up. I did well, I think.. After all, there is nothing that make up and fake smiles can't fix...


I totally pulled it off. And by this picture, you can't tell I had thrown up 12 times and every single inch of my body was shaking because I felt so weak. But you know what my end results were? A big fat NOTHING.

After almost a week in the hospital, I still had NO answers and they had taken a total of 27 tubes of blood, and shot me in the belly everyday I was there with a blood thinner. OUCH is all I can say there. My poor stretch marks are still bruised, cuz they hadn't been through enough! And had given me a pneumonia and flu shot because they thought it would "help" me out in the long run. Yeah, bruised body parts are totally in these days.

So I went home, right before Thanksgiving. Still had no answers as to what the fuck my body was putting me through. They only had "ideas" that they need to "rule out" that's why they ran every damn test in the book to try and figure it out. CT scans, CAT scans, MRI's, all my damn blood and they still didn't know what the fuck was happening anymore than I did. All they knew for sure was that my white blood cell count was high, and my red was low. Which in doctor terms means that my body is trying to fight off some sort of infection and my iron was low, yet they couldn't find the SOURCE of the infection.. They had checked everything, and it was exhausting and painful. I was so sick of being poked and prodded on by these doctors and people, by the last day I about choked a nurse out because she woke me up out of a dead sleep and tried to tell me that I needed to "deal with it" and it pissed me off. There for a brief second I had split personality disorder and flipped batshit crazy on this bitch. Uhhh no. I don't have to deal with anything and get the flying fuck away from me before I crawl my sick ass out of this bed and show you what YOU need to deal with... 

Even though they still didn't know what the hell was going on with me. They had gotten my pain under control (well enough for them, not me..) and said I could go home! Thank you! If you have ever had a hospital stay, you know as well as I do that you do NOT sleep in the hospital. They come in every 3 1/2-4hrs to check your vitals and bring you meds and blah blah! So I was all HALLELUAH! I can go home and sleep til Summer. I was ecstatic! But still concerned, because even 7 doctors later, they still didn't know what the fuck was wrong. And I was worried I would no more and get home and end up having to come back. So instead of just throwing up my intestines and feeling like my appendix would burst, I would lose a pancreas to or something:? My mind always goes to the worst shit possible. But I didn't, thankfully. Just have to spend everyday at the doctor.

So to make a still forever long story shorter, I finally have a couple answers. But I still have to wait for some test results to come back. And here is what I do know:

They have unofficially diagnosed me with Celiac Disease and Crohn's disease. They can't officially diagnose me with it until my test results come back. And I learned the day that I left the hospital, that they apparently have to send all their "tests" to Utah to have The Big Kahona check em' out. And I haven't done much research on either of these diseases. I just got the cliffnote's version from my doctor of all the "do's and dont's" of what I should and shouldn't do, what I can do to make things easier on myself and yadda yadda..

So now, I get to spend just about everyday at the hospital from here until further notice so the local vampires can take my blood. Tomorrow I go in for iron and potassium injections. Apparently when one person gets iron and potassium injections, it takes approximately 8 hours. So YAY! I get to spend the entire day at the doctor office, at least twice a week for who only knows how long. And I am sick of the doctor.

But this is when I look in the mirror and really wonder about the person I will become. I wonder what is going to happen now? Where am I going to go from here? WHY does bad shit always have to happen to me? I just can't catch a break to save my damn life.

Last night, I had a freakin breakdown. Like a full blown meltdown. Why do you ask? For absolutely no particular reason. I was watching my niece and nephews, plus I had my 3 kids. I was cooking dinner and they were running around like wild animals destroying everything they breathe towards and what happened? I just got overwhelmed. And way to damn fast. I have lost my patience lately. I for the love of all that is HOLY can't even stand my own children lately, why in becheesus sake's would I watch my niece and nephew's to fuel the fire? Because I am fucking crazy that is why. But here I am in the kitchen, had been on the phone for a whole 5 minutes (if that..) I get off the phone and I seriously flip...my...shit!

I reach for my crack in a can: empty. I reach for my glass of glorious dew, empty. I grab my cigarettes, no ligter. WHAT THE MOTHER FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK!??? I go batshit crazy for absolutely no reason. Grab my purse (aka suitcase), dump the entire damn thing upside down, and frantically search for my lighter. Only to find it nowhere. WHAT THE FUCK? I can't even keep track of a damn lighter, WHAT THE FUCK? This is all I keep repeating over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, and loudly. I was so fuckin angry I probably would have started flinging poo if it had been present. I was fuckin mad. So I stood there, and had this conversation with myself in my head:

"Calm down, you do this all the fucking time, WHAT THE FUCK?"

"What do you mean calm down? This little assholes are going fucking insane and you want me to remain calm? I don't  fuckin think so!!!!"

"Just breathe! 3...2...1......1...2.....3....3....2....1.....1.....2...3! Calmly walk away and fuckin breathe before we have another anxiety attack, because those fuckin blow."

I stop dead in my tracks (cuz ya know, I was STILL looking for a lighter..) throw my suitcase down to the ground, walk to the bathroom and slam that sumbitch as hard as I can. I sit down, and cry. and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry. All the while, thinking to myself:

"What the fuck is wrong with me? When did I become this person? Why have I become this person? I am not the person to go batshit crazy! I kick ass and take names and do 500 times over, and here I am having a temper fuckin tantrum because kids are assholes and we already KNOW that kids are assholes! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG?

So I proceeded to do what any other batshit crazy mofo would do, and called my therapist. Cuz ya know. I need someone with a license to tell me to calm the fuck down. And OF COURSE! I get no answer. Even she knew not to answer the phone.

Twenty minutes later, after crying until I puked and wondering why the fuck I am so broken, I picked myself back up, walked out into the living room where all the assholes were residing and kicked ass and took names. Put the little douchebags right in check and went about my night. But do you see the shit I'm talking about? My entire body is going fucking insane and protesting the shit that is happening to it. Making my brain go all wonky, too.

Right at this very moment, I can tell you that it's Tuesday. But if you ask me again in 2 hours I will swear up and down on my mama that today is Thursday. And Wednesday will be Friday, And Thursday will be Tuesday. Because I just don't know what fucking day it is anymore...  I am by all accounts of the word, broken... WHAT...THE.....FUCK!

What happens now? Even therapy isn't fixing my broken ass. So what the fuck am I supposed to do? Oh that's right. Blog. Bloggity, blog, blog!