It seems like it was forever ago that I actually blogged. Don't even remember where I left off at. So here goes nothing. My vagina will be leaking all over the place. But I can be real and insane at the same time, can't I? Yes, it's my blog. I can say and do whatever I want Lol.. But this one is more on the real side, my *sensitive* side which isn't seen very often by anyone, so remember this blog. Maybe even remind me of it, later on down the road when my little black heart resurfaces. No worries though. My little black heart, will always remain intact. Just now, it has some loveee in it too. Don't worry, it scares me too...
So I have been seeing a wonderful man for awhile now. I kept it hush hush for awhile. Why you ask? That's a very simple answer. I kept it to myself (well only a few actually knew..) because it just isn't anyone's damn business. Why? People are nosey. In general, if someone is asking about your personal life, or whom you may or may not be with it. I believe that 85% of the time, it is just them trying to be nosey. Very few people in this world, actually CARE how and who you are doing. They just want gossip. With gossip, comes drama. Drama, as we all know, is neverending. Anyway you try to get around it, there will always be drama over your shoulder. Because someone always has something to say about how you are living your life. Either you shouldn't be doing this, or you are raising your kids wrong, always making the wrong choice, picking the wrong person. But seriously? WHO CARES! I know that I for one, have no care in the world who knows about what or who I am doing, and I dont care what anyone thinks. But I still chose to keep it quiet. And it doesn't matter how I put it, it is going to sound selfish. So I will just say it. I did it mostly because I wanted to keep him ALL to myself. Without the whole world knowing, without the whole world judging and to see if it actually went anywhere. Let's just face it folks! Sometimes we get into a relationship and are all gung-ho to move it forward and tell everyone and WHAM! That other shoe drops and you find out that "Mr. Perfect" is married, or secretly has a second family you didn't know about. Then your heart is all crushed (or you want to attempt murder in my case...) and you have to start ALL over again. And as I'm sure we all know, starting over with someone new isn't easy. I won't get into the "Do's and Don'ts" of dating right now, that'll come later.
But it has been no one's business. Until now. When I tell the whole world about him, without revealing who he is.. Cuz I am just sneaky like that. Well not so much sneaky, because a select few people I am close to know who he is.. but you get what I'm saying. I will get straight to what I wanted to say, because I can go on and on all night about this crap and I can see I am rambling.. So back on my topic..
This man, is wonderful. He of course has his little quirks like everyone else, has a past like everyone else. But I love him. Yeah, I said it. I love him. He makes my little black heart skip a beat when I enter the room. Yes, it feels that wonderful to me. I haven't felt like this, in I don't even know how long. I get little goosebumps just trying to get it all out. He makes me feel. I know some people won't get that. But if you really know me, then you know that actually feeling something, is hard for me. Because I have blocked my heart off for so long. Had this wall up for so long, I forgot what it was like to actually feel love. I forgot what it was like to even feel anything at all. And how sweet it really is.
Now, I am not one of those "I love-my-boyfriend-smoochie-smoochie-I just-threw-up-in-my-mouth" in love kinda chicks. That's just now how I roll. And I am even WORSE at expressing my emotions. In a blog is one thing. It is so very easy for me to get it all out. But in person? Not so much.. I've often been called, cold and bitter...even heartless. And those that really know me, know that I am not this person. Its quite the opposite actually. I usually love so much, I end up getting burned in the long run. Thus, making me block my heart. And I have been burned by love and men so much in my whopping 27 (almost 28) years of life, that I had all but given up. Even went down the friends with benefit's road for awhile, and that's just not my style.
I need to feel wanted, I LOVE to feel needed and I truly do love to be loved by someone other than my kids. I want romance and affection and all the mushy crap that comes with it. Why? Because I have a vagina. That's just how we are built. What can I say? Am I wrong ladies? We need to be needed.
God, I love this man. I truly do. I haven't been this in love with a man in so long, I can't even tell you when. He gives me butterflies. He makes me laugh like no one else can. And I just feel one in a million.. (throws up a lil bit..) These emotions are all SO new to me. I have never felt like this before, nor have I EXPRESSED this emotions all over the internet, where HE is reading. Yea babes, I know you are reading.. haha And everyone else that may or may not be reading.
But the bottom line... I am actually feeling. And owning up to my emotions. Which, my therapist would say is a good thing. Me? Not so much. I have no problem admitting to him how I feel, telling him any and everything that he wants to know. But the rest of the world? Not so much. That makes me vulnerable I think. Because if someone sees you happy, there has to be SOMEONE in the world who wants to ruin it for me. It never fails. Lol Maybe I am just a pessimist? Maybe I am. But I *always* sit and wait for the cookie to crumble, always. It's apart of life and after all these years I have learn to accept it as it is. A big, steaming pile of pessimism. But that's just how I am. A giant ball of negativity.
But my outlook on life has changed a bit because of him. I haven't given up on my heart, for one. And I also haven't given up on myself. There for a good long stretch, I had all but given up on myself and just plain didn't care. I was alone, lonely, depressed. Overworked and Underfucked.. It was taking it's toll on my personal life, a big one. And I had reached the point to where I didn't want to do anything. Didn't even want to get out of bed.
And then a very good friend of mine, introduced me to him. I am a firm believer that everything in life happens for a reason. Even if you at the time, don't know the reason, there is still a reason. You will eventually find out the reason as to why something happened when it did.
I believe that he came into my life, right then and there, to heal my oh so broken heart. Because I can admit it, it was broken. In so many pieces in fact, that I wasn't sure it could be put back together anymore. But piece by piece that is happening. I can see it happening and so can those close to me. But he makes me happy. In a way that no one else has for a very long time. So long, I can't even remember. It has been just that long since I have felt happy, and alive. I feel alive! And that is a new one for me. He makes me want to be a better person. And I am 100% aware of how cheesy that sounds to even say it outloud. Lol But it is the truth. The raw truth..
Speaking of truth... This one I trust. Trust is something that is very hard for me. Being the pessimist that I am. I always see the worst in people. It's not anything that I have "learned" its just how I have always been. But now it's different. Not even 100% sure why it is different with him, but it is. I can trust him 100% until (which I don't see happening..) he gives me a reason not to trust him. Being able to fully trust someone is VERY hard for me. Cuz I have daddy issues, and abandonment issues and a whole shlew of messes. So I TRUST him with my life, with my kids. I just trust him. And I thought I wouldn't find that already.
What happens now? Im not sure. One day at a time is what we are doing. It's worked for us so far, and it will continue to be that way. We are good for each other. And will continue to be good for each other.
Okay, now my vagina is done leaking.. I've said all I am going to say about this, for now. But stay tuned. Something tells me that he'll be around in my blogs from here on out.. ;)
P.S. ~ I didn't proofread, just typed and now I'm hitting send. And no, I don't care...lol