Slippery Slope of Love

Love is a very slippery slope for me. It seems that I have always had a tendency to just go all in from the get go. Rushing things you could say. I can say without a doubt that I have never really "dated" a man. I have always gone from just talking to someone to living with someone and even having a child with someone within months and not even loving them. I am just so spur of the moment, heart first head later kind of person. Never really slowed things down and just looked at what I am doing to myself. Rushing things with someone else, and going heart first into things has never worked well for me, at least not so far. It has been one failed relationship after another, if a "relationship" is what you want to call it. I have always with every fiber of my being, loved with my entire heart. But I have never been loved the same in return. Thus, always leaving me feeling empty and alone. And being a single mom of 3, I have often wondered if I was just destined to be a single mother. If I was just put on this Earth to be alone and raise my babies.

But with recent events in my life, I have come to the conclusion that this is not the case. I think the last few years of my life I have just tried to hard. I have given my all, and not getting anything in return. I was just trying to hard to have things happen, instead of just letting it be as it is. I even went into a marriage, all while in the back of my mind knowing that some small part of me knew that it would never work out in the end. I was looking for a love, in all the wrong places.

I had all but given up on ever finding love. I had decided that I was just defeated. I was never going to be loved the way I wanted to be and I wasn't going to settle for anything less anymore. So I had stopped looking altogether.

And then, I think it's possible that it may have found me, in a way. I am not ready to go into all the details. But I think one day it could be love, if I would let it. See, when I had made the determination that I was just destined to be alone, I had at that point put up a wall to keep everyone out of it. I just wasn't going to let love in my heart. The only people I was going to let in my heart were my kids, because love is just a slippery slope that ends with a bang. So just my kids. I had made the conscious choice to only let my children in my heart, because letting anyone else in my heart was just something I couldn't afford anymore.

But I think love is exactly what I need in my life. I think the fact that I don't need it, is exactly WHY I need it. And somehow I need to let this wall down that I have built in my heart and make some room. I have met a nice guy, may even be the perfect guy for me, yet I am guarded with every fiber in me because I just can't afford to be hurt again. I have been burned by love so many times, I am determined for it to not happen again. 

But then I try and tell myself that I only have one life, and the lesson I have learned many times is that life is way to short to be anything but happy. So why am I so hell bent on guarding my heart? The only way I am going to find love is if I let someone in, right?

So then I am left with this question I am still to this minute pondering.... Why is it that I know in my heart of hearts that I need to let this wall down, yet I haven't? Am I unconsciously fighting it? Why can't I just let everything go and be happy? How do I get myself off this slope? And why can't I just let it be?

Don't get me wrong, there is definitely potential with what I have, and lots of it. And I am taking it slow and letting my head do all the work and leaving my heart out of it. But where do I go from here? What happens if I get burned once I do let this wall down? Is it all really worth it in the end?

At the end of this Sunday night I am left with more questions then answers. So, how do I get there from here?