But with recent events in my life, I have come to the conclusion that this is not the case. I think the last few years of my life I have just tried to hard. I have given my all, and not getting anything in return. I was just trying to hard to have things happen, instead of just letting it be as it is. I even went into a marriage, all while in the back of my mind knowing that some small part of me knew that it would never work out in the end. I was looking for a love, in all the wrong places.
And then, I think it's possible that it may have found me, in a way. I am not ready to go into all the details. But I think one day it could be love, if I would let it. See, when I had made the determination that I was just destined to be alone, I had at that point put up a wall to keep everyone out of it. I just wasn't going to let love in my heart. The only people I was going to let in my heart were my kids, because love is just a slippery slope that ends with a bang. So just my kids. I had made the conscious choice to only let my children in my heart, because letting anyone else in my heart was just something I couldn't afford anymore.
But I think love is exactly what I need in my life. I think the fact that I don't need it, is exactly WHY I need it. And somehow I need to let this wall down that I have built in my heart and make some room. I have met a nice guy, may even be the perfect guy for me, yet I am guarded with every fiber in me because I just can't afford to be hurt again. I have been burned by love so many times, I am determined for it to not happen again.
But then I try and tell myself that I only have one life, and the lesson I have learned many times is that life is way to short to be anything but happy. So why am I so hell bent on guarding my heart? The only way I am going to find love is if I let someone in, right?
So then I am left with this question I am still to this minute pondering.... Why is it that I know in my heart of hearts that I need to let this wall down, yet I haven't? Am I unconsciously fighting it? Why can't I just let everything go and be happy? How do I get myself off this slope? And why can't I just let it be?
Don't get me wrong, there is definitely potential with what I have, and lots of it. And I am taking it slow and letting my head do all the work and leaving my heart out of it. But where do I go from here? What happens if I get burned once I do let this wall down? Is it all really worth it in the end?
At the end of this Sunday night I am left with more questions then answers. So, how do I get there from here?