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Sunday, September 8, 2013

Balance

I've been waiting the last 2 days to write a blog. I know what I want to say, but I just don't know how to say it? If that makes any sense. It seems lately even my brain is off balance.

The last few weeks I have had a big problem with my right leg. My right leg has been screwed since I had my back surgeries, and it has been deemed "permanent" damage. It was horrible after my first surgery, but going in a 2nd time I knew that there was a risk it would cause permanent damage. But the risk of not having the surgery was greater than the risk of the damage to my sciatica nerve. And it had me broken in more ways than one after I found out. I was in denial for quite awhile, afterwards I was just plain sad and defeated. I feel like my body has given up on me, already. And I am not even 28 years old. My body has given up on me. Just saying that to myself, brings me to tears. The damage to my body is permanent..

I am really having a hard time balancing my life lately. I am determined to get myself out of this Hell I have landed myself in. If any of you only knew about my surroundings, I would probably lose you too. I have lost quite a few "friends" just because my circumstances in life have changed. I see it as people I really didn't need in my life in the first place. But I am determined to get myself out of here. I don't even want to be here, how can I raise children here? Kids are just kids, they don't even know what is going on here. All they know is that they have a roof over their heads, clothes on their back and food in their bellies, and they are content with that, which is just how kids should be. So I have been more determined then ever to get out of here. But it is going to take me alot of work to do so, and it is even harder when my body has all but given up on me. Knowing what I need to do, but my body not letting me do so? It is just debilitating.

Thanks to my body, I can't work. I am not even supposed to be out of bed. But I am getting up when I need to and working when I am able. Because I NEED the money. I need money so bad it is heartbreaking. I can't afford to buy myself any clothes, pay any bills or do anything. But I am getting up and doing it. As far as I can see, I don't have a choice in the matter. When it comes right down to it, I don't have anyone but myself and that is the God's honest truth, regardless of how anyone wants to spin it. All I have is myself. I have no one to count on but myself. My kids have only me at the end of the day. And in all honesty, even the 1 maybe 2 days a week that I am working, it is already taking it's toll on my body. But I have to do it. Because if I don't, I will hurt more than I already do and I am grateful to even have the opportunity to work, because I really do need it. And with my work history, I surely wouldn't find a job anywhere else...

I am busting my ass so hard, at the end of every night when my kids are all asleep, all I can do is cry. Yep, just about every night I cry myself to sleep. Not just because my body hurts, but because I am truly exhausted. Being a single mom has exhausted me. I am tired. And I rarely have help from anyone, it is just me. But what can I do? Nothing. I can cry all day long but at the end of the day I still have to find the strength to keep pushing forward. Because like I already said, I am all my kids have. I am mommy and daddy and everything in between.

And I have been struggling to balance my life out. Being a single mom. All while struggling to get out of this Hell, and trying SO hard to have a social life AND a love life. All while battling my body, because even my body is against me. How do I balance it all out so I am not so drained come the end of the day? I dont think I will ever be able to find a balance or center to it all. I think all I need to do is find peace at the end of the day. Some sort of peace so I am not going batshit crazy on a daily basis. It's like I am having to do it all on my own, I am just burnt out, exhausted.

How do I balance it all out? How do I find the inner peace that I need? I'm not even sure. I think I just need to take some "me" time every now and then to just do whatever I want. And that is so hard to do being a single mom.

Sooo, where do I go from here?

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