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Sunday, September 8, 2013

Slippery Slope of Love

Love is a very slippery slope for me. It seems that I have always had a tendency to just go all in from the get go. Rushing things you could say. I can say without a doubt that I have never really "dated" a man. I have always gone from just talking to someone to living with someone and even having a child with someone within months and not even loving them. I am just so spur of the moment, heart first head later kind of person. Never really slowed things down and just looked at what I am doing to myself. Rushing things with someone else, and going heart first into things has never worked well for me, at least not so far. It has been one failed relationship after another, if a "relationship" is what you want to call it. I have always with every fiber of my being, loved with my entire heart. But I have never been loved the same in return. Thus, always leaving me feeling empty and alone. And being a single mom of 3, I have often wondered if I was just destined to be a single mother. If I was just put on this Earth to be alone and raise my babies.

But with recent events in my life, I have come to the conclusion that this is not the case. I think the last few years of my life I have just tried to hard. I have given my all, and not getting anything in return. I was just trying to hard to have things happen, instead of just letting it be as it is. I even went into a marriage, all while in the back of my mind knowing that some small part of me knew that it would never work out in the end. I was looking for a love, in all the wrong places.
I had all but given up on ever finding love. I had decided that I was just defeated. I was never going to be loved the way I wanted to be and I wasn't going to settle for anything less anymore. So I had stopped looking altogether.

And then, I think it's possible that it may have found me, in a way. I am not ready to go into all the details. But I think one day it could be love, if I would let it. See, when I had made the determination that I was just destined to be alone, I had at that point put up a wall to keep everyone out of it. I just wasn't going to let love in my heart. The only people I was going to let in my heart were my kids, because love is just a slippery slope that ends with a bang. So just my kids. I had made the conscious choice to only let my children in my heart, because letting anyone else in my heart was just something I couldn't afford anymore.

But I think love is exactly what I need in my life. I think the fact that I don't need it, is exactly WHY I need it. And somehow I need to let this wall down that I have built in my heart and make some room. I have met a nice guy, may even be the perfect guy for me, yet I am guarded with every fiber in me because I just can't afford to be hurt again. I have been burned by love so many times, I am determined for it to not happen again. 

But then I try and tell myself that I only have one life, and the lesson I have learned many times is that life is way to short to be anything but happy. So why am I so hell bent on guarding my heart? The only way I am going to find love is if I let someone in, right?

So then I am left with this question I am still to this minute pondering.... Why is it that I know in my heart of hearts that I need to let this wall down, yet I haven't? Am I unconsciously fighting it? Why can't I just let everything go and be happy? How do I get myself off this slope? And why can't I just let it be?

Don't get me wrong, there is definitely potential with what I have, and lots of it. And I am taking it slow and letting my head do all the work and leaving my heart out of it. But where do I go from here? What happens if I get burned once I do let this wall down? Is it all really worth it in the end?

At the end of this Sunday night I am left with more questions then answers. So, how do I get there from here?

Balance

I've been waiting the last 2 days to write a blog. I know what I want to say, but I just don't know how to say it? If that makes any sense. It seems lately even my brain is off balance.

The last few weeks I have had a big problem with my right leg. My right leg has been screwed since I had my back surgeries, and it has been deemed "permanent" damage. It was horrible after my first surgery, but going in a 2nd time I knew that there was a risk it would cause permanent damage. But the risk of not having the surgery was greater than the risk of the damage to my sciatica nerve. And it had me broken in more ways than one after I found out. I was in denial for quite awhile, afterwards I was just plain sad and defeated. I feel like my body has given up on me, already. And I am not even 28 years old. My body has given up on me. Just saying that to myself, brings me to tears. The damage to my body is permanent..

I am really having a hard time balancing my life lately. I am determined to get myself out of this Hell I have landed myself in. If any of you only knew about my surroundings, I would probably lose you too. I have lost quite a few "friends" just because my circumstances in life have changed. I see it as people I really didn't need in my life in the first place. But I am determined to get myself out of here. I don't even want to be here, how can I raise children here? Kids are just kids, they don't even know what is going on here. All they know is that they have a roof over their heads, clothes on their back and food in their bellies, and they are content with that, which is just how kids should be. So I have been more determined then ever to get out of here. But it is going to take me alot of work to do so, and it is even harder when my body has all but given up on me. Knowing what I need to do, but my body not letting me do so? It is just debilitating.

Thanks to my body, I can't work. I am not even supposed to be out of bed. But I am getting up when I need to and working when I am able. Because I NEED the money. I need money so bad it is heartbreaking. I can't afford to buy myself any clothes, pay any bills or do anything. But I am getting up and doing it. As far as I can see, I don't have a choice in the matter. When it comes right down to it, I don't have anyone but myself and that is the God's honest truth, regardless of how anyone wants to spin it. All I have is myself. I have no one to count on but myself. My kids have only me at the end of the day. And in all honesty, even the 1 maybe 2 days a week that I am working, it is already taking it's toll on my body. But I have to do it. Because if I don't, I will hurt more than I already do and I am grateful to even have the opportunity to work, because I really do need it. And with my work history, I surely wouldn't find a job anywhere else...

I am busting my ass so hard, at the end of every night when my kids are all asleep, all I can do is cry. Yep, just about every night I cry myself to sleep. Not just because my body hurts, but because I am truly exhausted. Being a single mom has exhausted me. I am tired. And I rarely have help from anyone, it is just me. But what can I do? Nothing. I can cry all day long but at the end of the day I still have to find the strength to keep pushing forward. Because like I already said, I am all my kids have. I am mommy and daddy and everything in between.

And I have been struggling to balance my life out. Being a single mom. All while struggling to get out of this Hell, and trying SO hard to have a social life AND a love life. All while battling my body, because even my body is against me. How do I balance it all out so I am not so drained come the end of the day? I dont think I will ever be able to find a balance or center to it all. I think all I need to do is find peace at the end of the day. Some sort of peace so I am not going batshit crazy on a daily basis. It's like I am having to do it all on my own, I am just burnt out, exhausted.

How do I balance it all out? How do I find the inner peace that I need? I'm not even sure. I think I just need to take some "me" time every now and then to just do whatever I want. And that is so hard to do being a single mom.

Sooo, where do I go from here?