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Monday, August 12, 2013

Who Are You?

It's been a little bit since I have blogged. I am not even sure I know where to begin with it all. There has been so much that has happened, it's as if life has grasped me by the shoulders and said, "Hold on Jessie! You are in for one hell of a ride!" And all I can do is sit here and wonder who I am anymore..

As most of you already know, I've had not just one but two back surgeries. After I had those surgeries and I laid in bed unable to even pull myself up to go to the bathroom, life hit me very, very hard. I often wondered what kind of life I would lead now that I had disabled myself for the rest of my life. What kind of mother would I be knowing that I now have what I call "curtain rods and deck screws" in my back. Not one but two Lumbar fusions. And I have had a few surgeries and 3 children all natural, and the pain that I was in for with this surgery has so far in my life been the worse pain I had ever imagined. I never realized that ONE person could be in so much pain all you can do is cry. Because I had very many nights where I just cried myself to sleep because I just didn't have the energy to do anything else. There was a time or two that I had even managed to get myself stuck in the bathtub because I was home alone and by myself and had no help. So I just sat there and cried and cried until I finally found the will power to get up, pain or not. I spent this last Christmas walking around with a cane, because I was just barely 2 weeks shy of having surgery and I could barely walk. Hell, I could barely breathe without hurting myself, but I pushed through the pain, and why? I don't wonder why, I know why. I pushed through the pain and pushed my body further then I ever thought possible, for my children.

I am single mother of 3 of the most beautiful, intelligent children on the planet. Yeah, I know. All parents say that, but my kids are amazing. They were and still are my motivation to even get out of bed each day and keep fighting, and why? Not just because I have what all parents have for their children, unconditional love. But because like I said, I am a SINGLE mother of 3 children. I am all my children have each and everyday. I am mom and dad, I am their support system and their motivators, I am their mother. And I wouldn't want it any other way. But they are also my motivators. They are my drive, my ambition and the reason I am still sitting here today. Because believe it or not, I can recall on more than one occasion where I really didn't want to be on this planet anymore. I didn't want to be alive and breathing if I couldn't live. I didn't want to be a mother if I couldn't be a mother to my children. Know what I'm sayin?

So I am 8 months post op from my first surgery. And I had recently found out that I have permanent damage to my sciatic nerve. Which means I will spend the rest of my life in pain, or on pain medication and there is nothing I can do about it. No amount of doctors or pills or therapy or anything will fix what is wrong with me, it's permanent. And for about a week all I did was cry. That's all I had in me to do, was cry. I mean, what would you do if you found out this kind of news? Cry. I cried and cried and sat and wondered just what sort of life I would lead. What kind of mother will I now be now that I will have a permanent disability? And just who the hell am I anymore? These are questions that even as I blog this, I am still asking myself.

What kind of mother am I? Am I good enough for my kids? What is going to happen next in life? And just WHO am I?

I am always here for everyone. Ask my closest family and friends and they will tell you. I will give you the clothes off my back if I know it means you are warm. Thats the kind of person I am. I will do any and everything for anyone and expect nothing in return. That's who I am, that's who I was raised to be. That is also how I raise my children.

Most days, I will admit it. I'm an asshole for the majority. I will tell you like it is, whether you want to hear it or not. So a lot of people tell me I'm an asshole and Im inclined to agree. But that still isn't who I am. I don't know who I am.

I give my ALL to my children, and I mean my ALL. There are some days I can't even get out of bed I am hurting so bad, or my legs are numb and I can't walk. But I still get up and go, why? Because of my children. They are keeping me alive. And that's all I can say on it. I am alive. I am alive no doubt, but I am definitely not living. I am not living life to the fullest and I should be, I need to be. But how?

How do I live life to the fullest while being a single mother of 3 children and a permanent disability? I dont have the answer to my own question, because I am still trying to figure it out.

Through it all, I have lost who I am, I dont know who I am or what I am going to do. I honestly haven't a clue. But I am alive, and right at this very moment all I can do is take life one minute at a time. Yes, minute. I tried to take life one day at a time, but it seemed as if all of my days attacked me at once.So now I live life one minute at a time and I am learning not to be so anal about certain things and I just go with the flow. That is all I can do. But back on topic..

So my latest battle is trying to figure out who I am. And I am not 100% sure how to do that anymore. I'm not sure how to find myself, or maybe I have already found myself and I just don't know it? All I know is that I am NOT just a single disabled mom. That is not who I am. But how do I find me?

I guess only time will tell...

...Do you know who you are?

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