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Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Scars



^^^^^This picture right here speaks the truth. Every.Single.Word. It doesn't matter what scar you have, every single one of them have a story behind it. Whether it be from something that happen 10 years ago or something that happened a week ago. It's there, and it's real. Because that is what scars are there for. To remind us that the past is real.

Now I don't know about you all, but I have quite a few scars from different times in my life. For example, on my left knee I have a scar from when I was the wee young age of 10. My sister and I were riding our bikes down a very steep hill and I totally biffed it. Lol My mom was so scared from all the cuts and scrapes and bruises she took us to the Emergency Room. I had hit my knee so hard, that I had a piece of rock stuck in the skin of my knee for years, when I finally "picked" it out. It left a scar behind, that of which is still on my knee today.

On my right knee I have another scar. That is from the Summer of 2005. I was drunker than 10 Indians that night (yeah, tequila..) and my aunt, myself and her neighbor were out 4-wheeling ( don't drink and 4-wheel! lol) and we went to spin a cookie and thats when the frayed part of my blue jeans got wrapped around the back tire and WHAM! pulled my entire leg right under it. I had fractured my ankle, scarred up my knee and I was on crutches for a week. But, that didn't stop me. As soon as I was off of those crutches I was right back on that 4 wheeler the next weekend. Now don't get me wrong here. I was scared to death of getting on that 4 wheeler because at that point and time I was almost certain it was going to happen again. Lol But I put my fear to the side and I got right back on it. Because that is what I was raised to do! Face your fears, and that is exactly what I did!

When you have scars on your body that are visible to other people, you often get these "looks" from people and with the looks comes questions. And there have been a time or two when I have been given dirty looks from other's just explaining what happened. But I have never been ashamed of my scars or my past, why would I start now? My scars are my daily reminder of my past. Whether it be good or bad, my past will always be there and I am the only one who knows not just the story behind them, but the actual pain they caused. And I can talk all night long about my scars and where they came from etc. But I believe that scars are just like tattoo's. Your body is your canvas and your scars are just another page in your story.

Now my biggest visible scar is the one I have from my back surgeries. Dr. Music (yes Music!) didn't just cut me open once, but twice. The First was the most painful. But here is a picture of what my scar looked like right after surgery:



Just looking at this picture brings me to tears. I remember the day it happened. I was so scared and so nervous I was shaking like a leaf on a tree. But I survived it! And it was a successful surgery. I had a Lumbar Fusion done on my L5 disc in my lower back. In English that means that he opened me up, removed my L5 disc, crunched it into little teeny tiny pieces and replaced it. Then, he put 2 rods on each side of my dish and inserted screws to hold them in place, thus a fusion. It sounds complicated, but it is a fairly common procedure these days from my research on it, and the visual I received after the surgery was complete. But shortly after Christmas (Dec 29th, 2012) I had tripped on some Christmas lights and managed to knock the rods in my back loose, because I had fallen that hard. It wasn't just that, though. I had also slipped on the ice and landed smack on my ass. Because I was out of bed when I wasn't supposed to be. I hurt myself. I put myself at such a risk because of those 2 falls that I have caused permanent damage to my Sciatica Nerve and I will forever be in pain because of it. So Dr. Music had to open me back up and fix the damage I had caused. Thus, surgery #2.

I woke up to the most unbearable pain I have ever felt my entire 27 years of life. I have had my tonsils removed, 2 children all natural, my gall bladder removed, a C-Section and a tubal ligation done, and these back surgeries were(are) the worst pain I have ever felt. The pain, is even indescribable. There is nothing remotely close to compare it too. I couldn't sit or lay, I couldn't stand, I was not allowed to get out of bed whatsoever. I was on 3 pain medications and a muscle relaxer and I was still in so much pain that I couldn't stand to be in my own skin. But I survived it. Somehow, amongst it all I made it out of that hospital without choking the life out of anyone. Because I was truly in so much pain, I didn't even want to be living.


<~~Here is the Post-Op X-ray of my second surgery. A visual for you to see, to better understand what had taken place during the procedure. I have what I call "curtain rods and deck screws" in my body. But I survived!! I am still here today writing this blog and telling you all about it so maybe others can understand the extent of pain that I am in. Completely Excruciating pain. And in case anyone is confused, this is a view from my right hip, I was laying on my left hip when this was taken. It's my lower back. I am physically in pain. 

My true scars, are the scars on my soul. Having this surgery done has tainted my spirit, and me. The true scars are the ones that no one can see or feel, but me. My internal scars. I think we can all agree that our internal scars are worse than the external scars. This surgery has scarred me in so many ways I wouldn't know where to begin. It has lowered my self-esteem, it has made me feel like a bad mother. It's made me feel that somehow, someway my children deserve better than a permanently broken, disabled mother.

It has hurt me in ways that I never knew existed. I hurt physically and emotionally ALL the time. It's almost like I have some sort of weird post traumatic stress disorder from it. Since having these surgeries done, I have changed alot. I was in therapy. And my therapist at the time had diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Stress-induced OCD, and Severe Social Issues. And *I* thought for a brief moment that I was Bipolar. But it turns out that I am just an asshole, who is happy about it. So what does that mean for everyone else? Only time will tell. 

Here is what my back looks like as of today ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> It has healed quite nicely if I do say so myself. But it will always remain. It will always be there as a reminder that my past is oh so real. But at least I can say, that I have survived beyond all expectations. I believe that you can either let your scars and past hold you down, or view them as an obstacle to overcome. And I choose to overcome.


9 comments:

  1. You poor dear. You have been through hell and back. I have found that back pain is definitely the ultimate worse of all too. Wear your scars with pride, even the one from tequila. You have survived and are still around to tell about it. You are made of great stuff.

    Kathy
    http://gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com

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    1. Thanks Kathy. I do wear them with pride, I wouldn't have it any other way :)

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  2. Well, if you believe the old saying, you're not dead, so you must be stronger!

    I'd say that just the fact that you question your mothering skills, proves that you are trying to be a good mother. My guess is, you're a lot better at it than you think.

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    1. My kids tell me I'm pretty good at it. Even as I am, I still do everything for them, and they know it. Sometimes I really wonder. Because I feel so crappy I dont even know where the energy/strength comes from most days. But then every morning I have to remind myself that *I* am all they have, so pain or not I have to do what I need to :)

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  3. You've been through so much for only being 27! Take care of yourself and follow Doctor's orders, girl! :)

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    1. Ohh this is just a small piece of my life, unfortunately. :-/ But I've become a better person for it. I am trying my best to take care of myself! I can't follow doctor's orders and stay in bed, I have babies to raise ;)

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  4. Said it before and I'm saying it again, you so underestimate yourself! You've already survived and now live with more pain than most of us ever endure and managed to carry on and try to improve yourself constantly! Good for you! And I agree with Lee.

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    1. I am told that I underestimate myself alot. I dont even realize I do it. But here I am still kicking I guess. Most days I can't figure out how I manage to carry on when I really don't want to 99% of the time.

      But I am still here.. ;)

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  5. WOW what amazing memories and the "interior scars" i get that too. It hit me to cherish and have hope and persevere with what you have. The moment you give in to the thought of "can't" it takes over and manifest's lack. NEVER give up, you are who you are INSIDE and roll with the punches and know GOD HAS YOUR BACK...too.

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