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Friday, August 16, 2013

Love? I think not...

Lately I have had so much going on that I wouldn't even know where to begin with it all. But love, true and real love is something that has been bothering me alot lately. Probably because I have played this song on repeat about 30 times a day. Just because it's awesome. But it's left me wondering..

Anyone who knows me really well, knows that I have always been stuck on 80's music, I just love everything about that decade of music. But Ozzy is on the top of the list. I mean, doesn't everyone love at least one song of Ozzy? Anyways, listening to this song has left me with so many thoughts and so many questions that I am not even sure where to begin with it. See, I have had one failed relationship after another. It's just been repetitive. I mean I went from one loser to another and when I say loser, I really mean it. I managed to have children with "men" that couldn't have given (still don't) give a rat's ass about my kids. But even when children weren't involved, I seem to always choose the 'wrong' one. They either don't work, don't want to work or don't take care of themselves. And in one way or another they are self absorbed or just plain heartless. And I have came to the conclusion that I seem to draw towards men that I think I need to "fix" in some way or another or a man that I think I can change in someway. When in all reality, I have yet to meet a man that wants to change. But, why do I choose these men? Why do I feel the need to "fix" them?

I'm not sure what it is really, but it's made me wonder if I ever will find that perfect love I desire so much. In reality, I love being alone.  I enjoy my own company, I like being alone and having peace an quiet surrounding me. I am completely content with it just being me forever. But do I really want it to just be me forever? No. I love having a man to take care of. Because "taking care" of someone other then my children makes me happy. I love being "that woman" who stays home and takes care of the kids, and cooks dinner and does all the housework and all that comes with the stay at home mom/wife title. I guess I just have old fashioned beliefs? But I wouldn't do it for anyone else, except me. Don't get me wrong, if I could stay home with my kids forever I would. But let's get real here. I am a single mother of 3 children that are all 5yrs apart. There is no way on Earth I can stay home and be the mommy I ohhh so desire to be, it just isn't happening. Someone has got to pay the bills and that someone is me. But I dont want it to be me. I want the happily ever after. I want a man to take care of. I want a man that my children can call "dad" or someone that they can at the very least look up to as a father figure. Because at the very least I am failing my children in that category. I do my best to play the mommy and daddy role, but let's face it. I have a vagina. End the end, I have a vagina and there will be some things that I can't teach my son, because I have a damn vagina.

But at the same time, I am almost 28 years old. I am flirting with 30 and I am not getting any younger. And for sure my health is slowly but surely deteriorating. So what do I do?

There is nothing that I can do. I know that they say to stop looking and love will find you. But fuck that! Like I said, I am not getting any younger and I am just plain sick of this shit.

I am sick of guys playing with my heart like it's a damn toy, it is not. I am sick of sleeping alone. I am sick of being a single mother, I am sick of not having anyone to share things with, I am sick of not having any damn sex! I need laid dammit, I am not a nun or about to join a convent!! I am just plain tired of it all. And ready to reach my breaking point I mean I have a few friends that I consider family and I share everything with them, but it just isn't the same. I want someone else to share my life with, plain and simple.

But at this point, I'm not even sure I want to bother anymore. Not sure if I ever do want to love again because it always ends badly and I am sick of getting hurt, and putting my kids through things that they don't need to go through. So I am not going to have any man in my life anymore. It will just be my children and me, probably forever. Because my patience for it all is gone. And I'm just not going to get hurt anymore.

I thought about just going back to what I had done before, friends with benefits. He would come in after the kids were in bed, and out the door before they got up, my kids never knew he existed. Because I am only human, I have needs too. But I dont want that either, because it doesn't matter how it plays out they always end up getting attached one way or another Lol. So that won't be happening either.

So I guess I need to join a convent after all. Because the wall is up to stay folks, and it will take an awful lot to get that wall down.

And I leave you with this.....

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