Search This Blog

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Scars



^^^^^This picture right here speaks the truth. Every.Single.Word. It doesn't matter what scar you have, every single one of them have a story behind it. Whether it be from something that happen 10 years ago or something that happened a week ago. It's there, and it's real. Because that is what scars are there for. To remind us that the past is real.

Now I don't know about you all, but I have quite a few scars from different times in my life. For example, on my left knee I have a scar from when I was the wee young age of 10. My sister and I were riding our bikes down a very steep hill and I totally biffed it. Lol My mom was so scared from all the cuts and scrapes and bruises she took us to the Emergency Room. I had hit my knee so hard, that I had a piece of rock stuck in the skin of my knee for years, when I finally "picked" it out. It left a scar behind, that of which is still on my knee today.

On my right knee I have another scar. That is from the Summer of 2005. I was drunker than 10 Indians that night (yeah, tequila..) and my aunt, myself and her neighbor were out 4-wheeling ( don't drink and 4-wheel! lol) and we went to spin a cookie and thats when the frayed part of my blue jeans got wrapped around the back tire and WHAM! pulled my entire leg right under it. I had fractured my ankle, scarred up my knee and I was on crutches for a week. But, that didn't stop me. As soon as I was off of those crutches I was right back on that 4 wheeler the next weekend. Now don't get me wrong here. I was scared to death of getting on that 4 wheeler because at that point and time I was almost certain it was going to happen again. Lol But I put my fear to the side and I got right back on it. Because that is what I was raised to do! Face your fears, and that is exactly what I did!

When you have scars on your body that are visible to other people, you often get these "looks" from people and with the looks comes questions. And there have been a time or two when I have been given dirty looks from other's just explaining what happened. But I have never been ashamed of my scars or my past, why would I start now? My scars are my daily reminder of my past. Whether it be good or bad, my past will always be there and I am the only one who knows not just the story behind them, but the actual pain they caused. And I can talk all night long about my scars and where they came from etc. But I believe that scars are just like tattoo's. Your body is your canvas and your scars are just another page in your story.

Now my biggest visible scar is the one I have from my back surgeries. Dr. Music (yes Music!) didn't just cut me open once, but twice. The First was the most painful. But here is a picture of what my scar looked like right after surgery:



Just looking at this picture brings me to tears. I remember the day it happened. I was so scared and so nervous I was shaking like a leaf on a tree. But I survived it! And it was a successful surgery. I had a Lumbar Fusion done on my L5 disc in my lower back. In English that means that he opened me up, removed my L5 disc, crunched it into little teeny tiny pieces and replaced it. Then, he put 2 rods on each side of my dish and inserted screws to hold them in place, thus a fusion. It sounds complicated, but it is a fairly common procedure these days from my research on it, and the visual I received after the surgery was complete. But shortly after Christmas (Dec 29th, 2012) I had tripped on some Christmas lights and managed to knock the rods in my back loose, because I had fallen that hard. It wasn't just that, though. I had also slipped on the ice and landed smack on my ass. Because I was out of bed when I wasn't supposed to be. I hurt myself. I put myself at such a risk because of those 2 falls that I have caused permanent damage to my Sciatica Nerve and I will forever be in pain because of it. So Dr. Music had to open me back up and fix the damage I had caused. Thus, surgery #2.

I woke up to the most unbearable pain I have ever felt my entire 27 years of life. I have had my tonsils removed, 2 children all natural, my gall bladder removed, a C-Section and a tubal ligation done, and these back surgeries were(are) the worst pain I have ever felt. The pain, is even indescribable. There is nothing remotely close to compare it too. I couldn't sit or lay, I couldn't stand, I was not allowed to get out of bed whatsoever. I was on 3 pain medications and a muscle relaxer and I was still in so much pain that I couldn't stand to be in my own skin. But I survived it. Somehow, amongst it all I made it out of that hospital without choking the life out of anyone. Because I was truly in so much pain, I didn't even want to be living.


<~~Here is the Post-Op X-ray of my second surgery. A visual for you to see, to better understand what had taken place during the procedure. I have what I call "curtain rods and deck screws" in my body. But I survived!! I am still here today writing this blog and telling you all about it so maybe others can understand the extent of pain that I am in. Completely Excruciating pain. And in case anyone is confused, this is a view from my right hip, I was laying on my left hip when this was taken. It's my lower back. I am physically in pain. 

My true scars, are the scars on my soul. Having this surgery done has tainted my spirit, and me. The true scars are the ones that no one can see or feel, but me. My internal scars. I think we can all agree that our internal scars are worse than the external scars. This surgery has scarred me in so many ways I wouldn't know where to begin. It has lowered my self-esteem, it has made me feel like a bad mother. It's made me feel that somehow, someway my children deserve better than a permanently broken, disabled mother.

It has hurt me in ways that I never knew existed. I hurt physically and emotionally ALL the time. It's almost like I have some sort of weird post traumatic stress disorder from it. Since having these surgeries done, I have changed alot. I was in therapy. And my therapist at the time had diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Stress-induced OCD, and Severe Social Issues. And *I* thought for a brief moment that I was Bipolar. But it turns out that I am just an asshole, who is happy about it. So what does that mean for everyone else? Only time will tell. 

Here is what my back looks like as of today ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> It has healed quite nicely if I do say so myself. But it will always remain. It will always be there as a reminder that my past is oh so real. But at least I can say, that I have survived beyond all expectations. I believe that you can either let your scars and past hold you down, or view them as an obstacle to overcome. And I choose to overcome.


Surgery and Mommyhood - My Violent Shove into Young Adulthood

It seems I have been given a violent shove into young adulthood. Now for anyone reading this that doesn't already know, I am only the ripe ole' age of 27, almost 28. So it wasn't very long ago that I was a teenager myself. I remember all to well what it was like when I was teenager. Boys and drama and best friends and other things I will mention another time Lol. But I remember.

Now here I have my 11yr old daughter whom will be 12 in January. It seems from overnight she went from my baby girl to a young girl with boobies the size of 34B. Yes you read that write. My 'little' girl isn't so little. She went from being little to wearing a size 0 in Women's jeans, A woman's size small in t-shirt and wears a size 7 shoe. She also stands at 5'5 already. For all intense purposes I gave birth to the jolly green giant, female style.

Along with the overnight growing I have also being given the overnight attitude. She went from being cute and innocent. To this snotty, obnoxious little brat that I don't even know anymore. And I totally understand what she is going through, I too was that age not so long ago. But I was never like she is. My mother was right when she told me that my mini-me would be 10 times worse then I ever was. And most days I can't handle it. I just want to smack her as soon as she opens her eyeballs because I just can't take her mouth. It doesn't seem to matter what I do either. I can ground her, take things away, pop her a good one in her mouth, try talking to her. I even did so much as bought her a journal thinking that maybe if she was putting all of her thoughts on paper she wouldn't have the attitude so much. But nothing has worked and I am at my wits end with her. And I only know that it is going to get 1,000 times worse before it gets any better.

She came home from school yesterday, and stated that the boys in her room were making fun of her because of her hairy legs, because she is Chewbacca. She is the hairest girl I have ever seen in my life Lol And up until yesterday I hadn't even considered letting her shave. But now I am wondering, she is getting made fun of at school, do I accept the fact that my little girl is no longer little and becoming a young woman, or do I continue to instill in her what I always have.. That no one else's opinion matters, but HERS. Thoughts?

Now I know part of it is from the move. We moved not less then 2 months ago and as soon as we did, it get worse, overnight. And I understand that it is an adjustment for us all (you really have no idea..) but I dont know what to do. And frankly, just my oldest alone is exhausting. And keep in mind that I am a single mother. I raise all 3 of these kids on my own. And by all means they are great kids. They excel in school, tutor younger kids, are very smart and well rounded. But when they are at home it is a completely different story.

I believe they do what they do, partially because they know I can't do things like chase after them, or whoop some butt if need be. Not since I've had not 1 but 2 back surgeries. And I am aware that it has been just as hard on them as it has me. But something has got to give. And part of it is*my* fault. And here is what I mean..

Their entire lives I have done everything for them. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, done my best to make sure they have not just what they need but what they want as well. And when I had back surgery I was stuck in bed for almost 2 months. I wasn't able to even roll over, let alone get up and do the things I normally do on a day to day basis. So I have had them doing chores etc. since January and they don't like it. And I understand that it is going to take some time to get things on a routine/schedule but I could talk until I turn purple and it seems I still do the day-to-day things that I used too, only with more pain. But so I don't draw it out, my children are plain lazy. I hate to say it, because they are my kids (nah, I really don't.) but they are lazy. They could eat a bowl of cereal and will get it all over the place and leave it. And leave the bowl and spoon behind for me to clean up too.

This should not be happening. They are 11 and 6 years old, they both know and are fully capable of putting their dishes in the sink, but they don't. Because they know I will do it for them. Why? Because I have OCD and I just can't wait to do it. And I know that my OCD has taken it's toll on them too, because they have stated on more than one occasion that they don't like it. Because on a daily basis, I will spend roughly 5-7hrs a day cleaning, because I need to.

But I get frustrated and overwhelmed with it and I wish I could make my children see and appreciate the things that I do for them. But the way I've felt lately, I don't think they ever will. Now I am left with the question of what do I need to do, to get the molasses out of their asses!? I'm at a loss. So if anyone has any suggestions or thoughts I am open to everything at this point because nothing I have done has made a difference.

Having surgeries has changed all of our lives, and I know eventually that it will get better. But when? How long is it going to take before things start to get easier?

I am exhausted, and I dont know what to do about anything anymore. It's like I have lost my way and I am not sure which fork in the road I need to take to get where I want to be?

Friday, August 16, 2013

Love? I think not...

Lately I have had so much going on that I wouldn't even know where to begin with it all. But love, true and real love is something that has been bothering me alot lately. Probably because I have played this song on repeat about 30 times a day. Just because it's awesome. But it's left me wondering..


Anyone who knows me really well, knows that I have always been stuck on 80's music, I just love everything about that decade of music. But Ozzy is on the top of the list. I mean, doesn't everyone love at least one song of Ozzy? Anyways, listening to this song has left me with so many thoughts and so many questions that I am not even sure where to begin with it. See, I have had one failed relationship after another. It's just been repetitive. I mean I went from one loser to another and when I say loser, I really mean it. I managed to have children with "men" that couldn't have given (still don't) give a rat's ass about my kids. But even when children weren't involved, I seem to always choose the 'wrong' one. They either don't work, don't want to work or don't take care of themselves. And in one way or another they are self absorbed or just plain heartless. And I have came to the conclusion that I seem to draw towards men that I think I need to "fix" in some way or another or a man that I think I can change in someway. When in all reality, I have yet to meet a man that wants to change. But, why do I choose these men? Why do I feel the need to "fix" them?

I'm not sure what it is really, but it's made me wonder if I ever will find that perfect love I desire so much. In reality, I love being alone.  I enjoy my own company, I like being alone and having peace an quiet surrounding me. I am completely content with it just being me forever. But do I really want it to just be me forever? No. I love having a man to take care of. Because "taking care" of someone other then my children makes me happy. I love being "that woman" who stays home and takes care of the kids, and cooks dinner and does all the housework and all that comes with the stay at home mom/wife title. I guess I just have old fashioned beliefs? But I wouldn't do it for anyone else, except me. Don't get me wrong, if I could stay home with my kids forever I would. But let's get real here. I am a single mother of 3 children that are all 5yrs apart. There is no way on Earth I can stay home and be the mommy I ohhh so desire to be, it just isn't happening. Someone has got to pay the bills and that someone is me. But I dont want it to be me. I want the happily ever after. I want a man to take care of. I want a man that my children can call "dad" or someone that they can at the very least look up to as a father figure. Because at the very least I am failing my children in that category. I do my best to play the mommy and daddy role, but let's face it. I have a vagina. End the end, I have a vagina and there will be some things that I can't teach my son, because I have a damn vagina.


But at the same time, I am almost 28 years old. I am flirting with 30 and I am not getting any younger. And for sure my health is slowly but surely deteriorating. So what do I do?


There is nothing that I can do. I know that they say to stop looking and love will find you. But fuck that! Like I said, I am not getting any younger and I am just plain sick of this shit.


I am sick of guys playing with my heart like it's a damn toy, it is not. I am sick of sleeping alone. I am sick of being a single mother, I am sick of not having anyone to share things with, I am sick of not having any damn sex! I need laid dammit, I am not a nun or about to join a convent!! I am just plain tired of it all. And ready to reach my breaking point I mean I have a few friends that I consider family and I share everything with them, but it just isn't the same. I want someone else to share my life with, plain and simple.


But at this point, I'm not even sure I want to bother anymore. Not sure if I ever do want to love again because it always ends badly and I am sick of getting hurt, and putting my kids through things that they don't need to go through. So I am not going to have any man in my life anymore. It will just be my children and me, probably forever. Because my patience for it all is gone. And I'm just not going to get hurt anymore.


I thought about just going back to what I had done before, friends with benefits. He would come in after the kids were in bed, and out the door before they got up, my kids never knew he existed. Because I am only human, I have needs too. But I dont want that either, because it doesn't matter how it plays out they always end up getting attached one way or another Lol. So that won't be happening either.


So I guess I need to join a convent after all. Because the wall is up to stay folks, and it will take an awful lot to get that wall down.


And I leave you with this.....




Monday, August 12, 2013

Who Are You?

It's been a little bit since I have blogged. I am not even sure I know where to begin with it all. There has been so much that has happened, it's as if life has grasped me by the shoulders and said, "Hold on Jessie! You are in for one hell of a ride!" And all I can do is sit here and wonder who I am anymore..

As most of you already know, I've had not just one but two back surgeries. After I had those surgeries and I laid in bed unable to even pull myself up to go to the bathroom, life hit me very, very hard. I often wondered what kind of life I would lead now that I had disabled myself for the rest of my life. What kind of mother would I be knowing that I now have what I call "curtain rods and deck screws" in my back. Not one but two Lumbar fusions. And I have had a few surgeries and 3 children all natural, and the pain that I was in for with this surgery has so far in my life been the worse pain I had ever imagined. I never realized that ONE person could be in so much pain all you can do is cry. Because I had very many nights where I just cried myself to sleep because I just didn't have the energy to do anything else. There was a time or two that I had even managed to get myself stuck in the bathtub because I was home alone and by myself and had no help. So I just sat there and cried and cried until I finally found the will power to get up, pain or not. I spent this last Christmas walking around with a cane, because I was just barely 2 weeks shy of having surgery and I could barely walk. Hell, I could barely breathe without hurting myself, but I pushed through the pain, and why? I don't wonder why, I know why. I pushed through the pain and pushed my body further then I ever thought possible, for my children.

I am single mother of 3 of the most beautiful, intelligent children on the planet. Yeah, I know. All parents say that, but my kids are amazing. They were and still are my motivation to even get out of bed each day and keep fighting, and why? Not just because I have what all parents have for their children, unconditional love. But because like I said, I am a SINGLE mother of 3 children. I am all my children have each and everyday. I am mom and dad, I am their support system and their motivators, I am their mother. And I wouldn't want it any other way. But they are also my motivators. They are my drive, my ambition and the reason I am still sitting here today. Because believe it or not, I can recall on more than one occasion where I really didn't want to be on this planet anymore. I didn't want to be alive and breathing if I couldn't live. I didn't want to be a mother if I couldn't be a mother to my children. Know what I'm sayin?

So I am 8 months post op from my first surgery. And I had recently found out that I have permanent damage to my sciatic nerve. Which means I will spend the rest of my life in pain, or on pain medication and there is nothing I can do about it. No amount of doctors or pills or therapy or anything will fix what is wrong with me, it's permanent. And for about a week all I did was cry. That's all I had in me to do, was cry. I mean, what would you do if you found out this kind of news? Cry. I cried and cried and sat and wondered just what sort of life I would lead. What kind of mother will I now be now that I will have a permanent disability? And just who the hell am I anymore? These are questions that even as I blog this, I am still asking myself.

What kind of mother am I? Am I good enough for my kids? What is going to happen next in life? And just WHO am I?

I am always here for everyone. Ask my closest family and friends and they will tell you. I will give you the clothes off my back if I know it means you are warm. Thats the kind of person I am. I will do any and everything for anyone and expect nothing in return. That's who I am, that's who I was raised to be. That is also how I raise my children.

Most days, I will admit it. I'm an asshole for the majority. I will tell you like it is, whether you want to hear it or not. So a lot of people tell me I'm an asshole and Im inclined to agree. But that still isn't who I am. I don't know who I am.

I give my ALL to my children, and I mean my ALL. There are some days I can't even get out of bed I am hurting so bad, or my legs are numb and I can't walk. But I still get up and go, why? Because of my children. They are keeping me alive. And that's all I can say on it. I am alive. I am alive no doubt, but I am definitely not living. I am not living life to the fullest and I should be, I need to be. But how?

How do I live life to the fullest while being a single mother of 3 children and a permanent disability? I dont have the answer to my own question, because I am still trying to figure it out.

Through it all, I have lost who I am, I dont know who I am or what I am going to do. I honestly haven't a clue. But I am alive, and right at this very moment all I can do is take life one minute at a time. Yes, minute. I tried to take life one day at a time, but it seemed as if all of my days attacked me at once.So now I live life one minute at a time and I am learning not to be so anal about certain things and I just go with the flow. That is all I can do. But back on topic..

So my latest battle is trying to figure out who I am. And I am not 100% sure how to do that anymore. I'm not sure how to find myself, or maybe I have already found myself and I just don't know it? All I know is that I am NOT just a single disabled mom. That is not who I am. But how do I find me?

I guess only time will tell...

...Do you know who you are?