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Tuesday, June 11, 2013

What If?

The words "What If?" come out of my mouth more times then I can count. But there are two what if's that are always crossing my mind.

~What if I hadn't of had my daughter as young as I did?

and

~What if I hadn't of gotten married?


These were two major experiences in my life. Motherhood and married life.


As some of you may not know, I had my daughter very young. I was 15 when I got pregnant with her and I had turned 16 just two months before she was born. Now don't get me wrong here, I love my daughter to death and I wouldn't change it for a single thing in this world. But I was just a child, having a child. It completely changed my life. And for the longest time I wondered if I would have waited until I was older, and married to "the one" how different my life would be today. But, then I am constantly saying I have no regrets for anything I have done in life and everything that happened in my past (including my oldest daughter) has made me the person I am today. I love my daughter to death. But I always can't help but wonder what if I had waited and gone to college and met the right guy and gotten married if things would be different today. Would I have made a better mother had I of been older? Would I have had a successful marriage? It doesn't matter. All of the what if's in the world makes no difference. Because I did indeed become a mother at 16 and I wouldn't change it for the world. I had to learn things the hard way, and as soon as I held my daughter in my arms, I knew that being her mother and protecting her from everything evil this world has to offer was and IS my job! Being her mommy at 16 is who I was meant to be.

What if I hadn't of gotten married? This is a question even to this very day I ponder. Because getting married was the worst things I could have ever done. Don't get me wrong, when I married my ex-husband I did love him to death, but truthfully I was not IN love with him. And a person should not (in my opinion) get married to another person if that aren't in love. Being married to the person you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with, you should find a new reason to fall in love with that person everyday and I wasn't. I married him because at that point in my life my train of thought was "Ok, let's do this. It is now or never!" and take it from me, that is NO way to start a marriage. And our marriage didn't end well. He had cheated (among many other things I won't get into right now) and I kicked him out. Because I still believe, once a cheater always a cheater. But our marriage just wasn't over. He decided he didn't want to be a father anymore either. So not only was our marriage over but apparently so was him being a father. Anyways, back on topic. I still wonder where I would be in life if I hadn't of married him. But, if I hadn't of married him, I wouldn't have my youngest daughter. And I am a very strong believer that everything happens for a reason.

But I did learn from my marriage. I learned that I won't get married unless I truly am in love and love the other person. I learned of the kind of man I do not want to be with, and I learned the kind of father I do not want for my kids. I also learned that I am a lot stronger then I give myself credit for and I learned that life is a rollercoaster, you have to enjoy the ride.

The millions of what if's in the world, and these are the 2 that constantly cross my mind. But I can wonder what if all day long, but I wouldn't change my daughter or the fact that I got married for anything in the world. It has made me the mother and woman that I am today.

.. And I really need to remove the words "what if" from my vocabulary. They cause me unnecessary worrying and overthinking that I really don't need. LOL