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Saturday, December 14, 2013

Anti-Bucket List

So it's been awhile since I have thought about the things that I don't want to do before I die. I mean, I made the list of the things I wanted to do before I die. I did that awhile ago. I wrote my bucket list and I also wrote my fucket list, which as I look back now, never seemed to get published. Lol But an anti-bucket list? I hadn't thought about until the topic was brought up. But I have thought about it, and here is what I have on my anti-bucket list.

1) Never do want to go bungee jumping after all. I came into this world because of a broken rubber, I am surely not going to leave that way.

2) I never want to experience sanity, It would break me!

3) I don't want to die a bitter, coldhearted old lady with no love in her life. I don't know what I would do with out my baby! I can't imagine living without him.

4) Thanks to these not-so-awesome diseases I now have, I never want to go another day without a cheeseburger.

5) I don't ever want to do without my kids. They are assholes on a good day, but they are mine. And I wouldn't imagine my life without them..

6) I could go the rest of my life, without having any sort of physical (or otherwise) interaction with my biological father. I decided awhile back that I really don't need people in my life who don't need/want me in their's. So I am not going to try anymore. And just move on with my life, without him.

7) When I die, I want everyone to celebrate. With lots and lots of tequila. And while they are lowering me into the ground I want them to play Snoop Dogg's "Drop It Like It's Hot" so everyone can get one last giggle from me, while I'm dead.

Also, while I am on the dead thing. When I die, I want someone to hack my facebook and say "There really is wifi up here!" cuz at this point in my life I am not sure if I am going up or down. But that's a different blog.

So there you have it, for now. My anti-bucket list. Maybe one day I will add more to it, but this is all I can think of for now...

*side note - if you hover over the white parts, you'll find links..jus sayin'*

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Babe, Are You Paying Attention?

Emotions and feelings are something I am NOT good at. Anyone who knows me well enough, knows this already. I'm just not a feelings person. It makes me feel weird and all fidgety (fijity?) just thinking about it. Lol

Growing up, affection wasn't something that was done openly in my house. Mostly because my family was tore up from the floor up. I won't get into that story now.. But anyways. Affection isn't something I am very good at with other people, just my kids. I will tell my kids all day long that I love them and give them hugs and kisses and what not. But it's different with the other half. Because to me, it's just weird.

And all these emotions and feelings I have inside me, seriously scare the shit out of me. It makes me nervous, and scared and there is a teeny tiny part of me that just wants to RUN like the wind because of all these fuckin emotions. My vagina is leaking all over this place, folks. And it's something I haven't felt before, and nothing like this has ever happened to me. And it really scares me to death. I dont know if it's just because it's new and nothing like before. Or if it's just because that I am so broken, so beyond repair that I am not sure I am capable of feeling. But, I am.

This man, this wonderful man that I am with, makes my heart hit my stomach. It's been exactly 105 days (yeah I counted them.. cuz that's just how I roll lately..) It has been 105 days since I have known this man and my heart melts just sitting next to him. I can't tell him these things though, because I go to look at him and say something and my mouth gets stage fright and I just freeze up and look like a tard. Lol But when it comes to looking into his eyes, I just can't tell him things. What is wrong with me? Why am I this way?

I think I have just been hurt so many times, by so many different men in my life, that I didn't even think I was capable of opening my heart and sharing my life with someone else. Because every other man that has been in my life has either left, let me down, or just plain bolted for no logical reason. So for the longest time I believed I was just destined to be alone. I was destined and put on this earth to raise my babies by myself and enjoy my own company for the rest of my life. But not anymore.

I love this man with every fiber of my being, I just can't seem to express it the way I want to. I am really trying, I AM. It may not seem like it, but I am. Because this is all new to me. This whole love and through thick and thin business. Because it wasn't like that with the so-called "man" I married (coward...) I never felt that way about him. Which should have been my first cue to NOT do it, but I did. And now I can't wait until my divorce is final so I don't have to worry about that douche anymore..

This man, I can see a future with him, a nice long future. Because we are perfect for each other and we get along so great it's almost sickening. If I were an outsider looking in, this is the part I would be gesturing gagging and puking noises.. That's how good we are together.

He doesn't know it, well not until he reads this.. But he does complete me. I don't feel the same without him around, He makes my girly parts tingle. He makes my heart melt and I never get tired of being around him. And in the short 105 days that we have been together, he has taken care of me better than anyone in my entire life.

The morning I had to go in for my scope, he took the day off of work so he could go in with me so I wasn't alone. He is taking his check, and even though he doesn't have any reason to, is using it so my kids can have a Christmas. He brought me home wooden roses because he said they wouldn't die like the real ones would.. lol  It's the little things like this, that make my heart melt and make me love him just a little bit more everyday. My bitter little heart opens up a little more everyday to his man, because I don't know how I made it this far in my life without him. And I am so glad that I have him, I don't want to go anymore days without him.

What does our future hold? I wonder, I even dream about it. Which is new for me. Because I know what I want to happen, but we are pretty in sync with each other. So I am sure he wants the same things that I do, but he isn't the best with expression either, so it is something that we are working on together :) But we take things one day at a time in our relationship. It seems to work for us. But there have been some whispers between us about getting a place together. Living together.

Now that scares me a little bit. Change in general scares me and it raises my anxiety just a little bit. But I am ready for the change. I want the change and I want to be with this man until he get sick of my crazy. He's seen some of my crazy, but hasn't seen me running around with a cast iron skillet crazy. But I think even then, he isn't going anywhere.

Because something tells me, that even though he can't express it well, better than me...but.. (one of many things we have in common) he feels the same way. But I guess we will see after this blog, that I have shared with you all for any and everyone to see. Because I don't care who knows about us, or what anyone thinks about us either.

All that matters is what we think, and how we feel about each other that counts. That is the only thing that counts. Well, and my kids. But the kids and him also get along well. A lot better than anyone else from my past, and that makes me a little giddy too. But shhh, don't tell anyone, mmmkay?

But this love,  I can't even describe. Which is how real love is supposed to be, right? Undescribable? That's how it is. I can't really put it into words. I love falling asleep in his arms and love waking up in them every morning and don't want to be without his arms again. Cuz him and I belong together.

And I would talk about the awesome, mind blowing, great sex. But that would turn into another naughty blog and I'm not sure we are ready to share that many details about our life together, haha. Well I am, but yanno. Somethings I just want to keep to myself.

I love him, more than he will ever truly realize and more than I will ever manage to express. But I am working on it. One day at a time ;)

With all this emotion all over the place, I will leave you with "our" song... And let your imagination run wild... ;-)

I'm Not Dead Yet!

So I have been saying for days now (almost a week I think) about this blog I was going to write to update everyone on what the fuck was going on with me. And I would have written it and posted it already but I have been a lazy bitch lately. Well I say I am lazy, my man tells me that it's just my body's way of telling me to slow my fuckin' roll. But all I have done all week is sleep. That's all my body wants to do is sleep lately. Between the asshat doctor's and real life, I am fuckin exhausted. I really am. My mind, body and soul is just plain exhausted and all I have done is sleep. All day, and all night long.

I like sleeping, the real world is put on hold while I am sleeping. It's just me in my dreamworld. And I say that, but I sleep so heavy that I don't remember my dreams. And the dreams that I do remember I spend DAYS trying to decipher. Because I am a strong and firm believer that our dreams is our unconscious's way of telling us something. So I will decipher. But I could go on and on about that shit, we'll save that for a different post. Anyways..

As you all know I am as sick as a person gets. I really didn't think my body could get any worse. BOY was I completely wrong. I think the more I tell myself, "Can it get any fuckin worse???" God seems to think that is a challenge and gives me more shit that my body can't seem to handle. Or maybe it's shit that God thinks I can handle but I really don't want to handle? I'm not quite sure how I view it all just yet. But I have gone through stages of how I feel. Some, you all have seen on Facebook and some you haven't. But here is (so far) what I know is wrong with me to this day (December 12, 2013)

~Celiac's Disease
~Crohn's Disease

and just a few days ago after getting 1 opinion, a 2nd opinion and a third opinion I was diagnosed with Stage 2 Leukemia.

Right at this very moment I don't know much about any of them, haven't done much research on them and have avoided my doctor's all week, because I have been in denial. I mean this can't be happening, can it? Not to me? WHAT THE FUCK?

All I do know is that I can't eat anything with gluten, wheat, barley or soy. Which as we all know (or don't) sums up just about every food on the planet. Except for meat and fruits. And we all know that I am not a big meat eater *insert dirty thought here* and fruits? Are only good covered in chocolate, which I can't have.

Dude, what the fuck? What the hell am I supposed to do? Eat like a rabbit the rest of my life? I dont think I can do that. In the past 16 days I went from 162lbs down to 143lbs. And there isn't much I can do about it. I try so very hard to eat, but it ALL comes back up. Doesn't matter what it is.

So Monday, some rude doctor lady I have only met once, knocked me out and shoved a scope down my throat and did a biopsy on every single one of my internal organs. I slept all day and all night long, until today. I still have NO IDEA what the results are from that. Just that they gave me some more nasty ass pills to shove down my throat to try and "minimize" my symptoms. Which as you can tell by my sarcasm that they aren't all. So I throw up all day long. Doesn't matter what I eat or don't eat. What I cut out or add to my diet. I am a human puking machine..

I dont know how I feel about any of it. I don't know what is going to happen next and they still aren't even 100% sure what route they are taking with my newfound Cancer. They need to wait on the endless bloodwork and cultures to come back to see how "bad" it really is before they can decide what to do.

So this is me, sick as hell and only going to get worse. I am officially skin and bones. All sorts of pale and Nightmare Before Christmas lookin, but I am not dead yet, that's good right?

What happens next? I guess some days will be better than others. But I am going to do what I always do. Keep pushing forward, one minute at a time. Because even though I don't want to and I am fuckin tired and have every right to give up. I can't.. I have 3 babies and I am all they have. So I have to get better. There is no one else here for my babies, just me.

One minute at a time, who is with me?

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Kids Are Assholes And Other Shit. But Mostly, Kids Are Assholes...

You know that moment... When you have so much going on and so much to say and nothing comes out of your damn mouth? That's how I've been lately. All I can think is, What the fuck now? What is really going to happen now... What's going to happen next? And Why does all this shit have to always happen to me?

If you've been reading this blog, for even a month, Hell! A week even then you pretty much know that I have been sicker than a dog for what seems like FOREVER now. And let me tell ya, God sure as fuck hasn't made it any easier on me, cuz ya know. That's all I needed..

So after throwing my intestines up in the toilet, I finally decide to go to the doctor because I am sick of throwing my intestines up and I'm fuckin hungry. So I'm like, "Look doc, you gotta make this shit stop, asap yo!" Cuz I can't handle losing anymore of my intestines. And she takes blood and listens to my lungs and heart and blah blah blah, the standard shit you know. And she leaves the room with that goofy ass resident she insists on bringing in every.single.time. And comes back with this blank stare on her face. And I'm over here like, WTF doc? She wants me to go to the hospital. She wants me to be admitted because shit is just horrible. Reality set in: Shit just got real, yo.

OH YEAH! That's my luck. Get admitted to the hospital and they are vampires. I dont give a fuck what anyone says, they are vampires. I swear to becheesus christs they took all my blood last week. All of it. I had so many needle holes in my body, a heroine addict would have been impressed. See, check it out:

Night 1
Night 2

Night 3

And I didn't take the "after hospital" pics because I couldn't stand being in my own skin after all that, I sure as hell wasn't sharing the end results with anyone. I didn't even want to look in the mirror, cuz I knew I looked that damn rough. And just a few short days after being released, I still look rough. But not to damn bad I guess. I clean up well. This is what I looked like the day I was released. I tried really hard to not "look" sick so my kids wouldn't know what the fuck was up. I did well, I think.. After all, there is nothing that make up and fake smiles can't fix...

I totally pulled it off. And by this picture, you can't tell I had thrown up 12 times and every single inch of my body was shaking because I felt so weak. But you know what my end results were? A big fat NOTHING.

After almost a week in the hospital, I still had NO answers and they had taken a total of 27 tubes of blood, and shot me in the belly everyday I was there with a blood thinner. OUCH is all I can say there. My poor stretch marks are still bruised, cuz they hadn't been through enough! And had given me a pneumonia and flu shot because they thought it would "help" me out in the long run. Yeah, bruised body parts are totally in these days.

So I went home, right before Thanksgiving. Still had no answers as to what the fuck my body was putting me through. They only had "ideas" that they need to "rule out" that's why they ran every damn test in the book to try and figure it out. CT scans, CAT scans, MRI's, all my damn blood and they still didn't know what the fuck was happening anymore than I did. All they knew for sure was that my white blood cell count was high, and my red was low. Which in doctor terms means that my body is trying to fight off some sort of infection and my iron was low, yet they couldn't find the SOURCE of the infection.. They had checked everything, and it was exhausting and painful. I was so sick of being poked and prodded on by these doctors and people, by the last day I about choked a nurse out because she woke me up out of a dead sleep and tried to tell me that I needed to "deal with it" and it pissed me off. There for a brief second I had split personality disorder and flipped batshit crazy on this bitch. Uhhh no. I don't have to deal with anything and get the flying fuck away from me before I crawl my sick ass out of this bed and show you what YOU need to deal with... 

Even though they still didn't know what the hell was going on with me. They had gotten my pain under control (well enough for them, not me..) and said I could go home! Thank you! If you have ever had a hospital stay, you know as well as I do that you do NOT sleep in the hospital. They come in every 3 1/2-4hrs to check your vitals and bring you meds and blah blah! So I was all HALLELUAH! I can go home and sleep til Summer. I was ecstatic! But still concerned, because even 7 doctors later, they still didn't know what the fuck was wrong. And I was worried I would no more and get home and end up having to come back. So instead of just throwing up my intestines and feeling like my appendix would burst, I would lose a pancreas to or something:? My mind always goes to the worst shit possible. But I didn't, thankfully. Just have to spend everyday at the doctor.

So to make a still forever long story shorter, I finally have a couple answers. But I still have to wait for some test results to come back. And here is what I do know:

They have unofficially diagnosed me with Celiac Disease and Crohn's disease. They can't officially diagnose me with it until my test results come back. And I learned the day that I left the hospital, that they apparently have to send all their "tests" to Utah to have The Big Kahona check em' out. And I haven't done much research on either of these diseases. I just got the cliffnote's version from my doctor of all the "do's and dont's" of what I should and shouldn't do, what I can do to make things easier on myself and yadda yadda..

So now, I get to spend just about everyday at the hospital from here until further notice so the local vampires can take my blood. Tomorrow I go in for iron and potassium injections. Apparently when one person gets iron and potassium injections, it takes approximately 8 hours. So YAY! I get to spend the entire day at the doctor office, at least twice a week for who only knows how long. And I am sick of the doctor.

But this is when I look in the mirror and really wonder about the person I will become. I wonder what is going to happen now? Where am I going to go from here? WHY does bad shit always have to happen to me? I just can't catch a break to save my damn life.

Last night, I had a freakin breakdown. Like a full blown meltdown. Why do you ask? For absolutely no particular reason. I was watching my niece and nephews, plus I had my 3 kids. I was cooking dinner and they were running around like wild animals destroying everything they breathe towards and what happened? I just got overwhelmed. And way to damn fast. I have lost my patience lately. I for the love of all that is HOLY can't even stand my own children lately, why in becheesus sake's would I watch my niece and nephew's to fuel the fire? Because I am fucking crazy that is why. But here I am in the kitchen, had been on the phone for a whole 5 minutes (if that..) I get off the phone and I seriously!

I reach for my crack in a can: empty. I reach for my glass of glorious dew, empty. I grab my cigarettes, no ligter. WHAT THE MOTHER FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK!??? I go batshit crazy for absolutely no reason. Grab my purse (aka suitcase), dump the entire damn thing upside down, and frantically search for my lighter. Only to find it nowhere. WHAT THE FUCK? I can't even keep track of a damn lighter, WHAT THE FUCK? This is all I keep repeating over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, and loudly. I was so fuckin angry I probably would have started flinging poo if it had been present. I was fuckin mad. So I stood there, and had this conversation with myself in my head:

"Calm down, you do this all the fucking time, WHAT THE FUCK?"

"What do you mean calm down? This little assholes are going fucking insane and you want me to remain calm? I don't  fuckin think so!!!!"

"Just breathe! 3...2...1......1...2.....3....3....2....1.....1.....2...3! Calmly walk away and fuckin breathe before we have another anxiety attack, because those fuckin blow."

I stop dead in my tracks (cuz ya know, I was STILL looking for a lighter..) throw my suitcase down to the ground, walk to the bathroom and slam that sumbitch as hard as I can. I sit down, and cry. and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry. All the while, thinking to myself:

"What the fuck is wrong with me? When did I become this person? Why have I become this person? I am not the person to go batshit crazy! I kick ass and take names and do 500 times over, and here I am having a temper fuckin tantrum because kids are assholes and we already KNOW that kids are assholes! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG?

So I proceeded to do what any other batshit crazy mofo would do, and called my therapist. Cuz ya know. I need someone with a license to tell me to calm the fuck down. And OF COURSE! I get no answer. Even she knew not to answer the phone.

Twenty minutes later, after crying until I puked and wondering why the fuck I am so broken, I picked myself back up, walked out into the living room where all the assholes were residing and kicked ass and took names. Put the little douchebags right in check and went about my night. But do you see the shit I'm talking about? My entire body is going fucking insane and protesting the shit that is happening to it. Making my brain go all wonky, too.

Right at this very moment, I can tell you that it's Tuesday. But if you ask me again in 2 hours I will swear up and down on my mama that today is Thursday. And Wednesday will be Friday, And Thursday will be Tuesday. Because I just don't know what fucking day it is anymore...  I am by all accounts of the word, broken... WHAT...THE.....FUCK!

What happens now? Even therapy isn't fixing my broken ass. So what the fuck am I supposed to do? Oh that's right. Blog. Bloggity, blog, blog!

Friday, November 22, 2013

Pain and Sickness

So, for the past week or so I have been sick, sicker than a damn dog. I can't keep anything down! Anytime I try to eat, it comes back up. I have a sharp pain in my stomach, so bad in fact that I curl over in such pain. So I finally cave and call my doctor to be seen, because I am SICK of being in pain and even more sick of just being sick. I shouldn't be this sick. It seems after not 1 but 2 back surgeries my body seems to want to catch sickness known to man. Whatever, it is what it is. I am not one to usually complain. I complain, sure! Who doesn't? But I really don't for the most part. I just put on my big girl panties and deal with it, like anything else in this world.

So it's been 3 days since I went and seen my doctor. I have been on 2 different antibiotics and an anti nausea medication for THREE days now. They should have at least been showing some sort of sign that I was getting better, right? WRONG! It's been 3 days and I am no different than I was 3 days ago. Only difference is, I haven't ate in an ENTIRE week. Nothing I eat stays down, and I have TRIED. I am sick of eating crackers and sick of drinking chicken broth (cuz that is the one and only thing that stays down..) and I am just SICK of being sick! How long do I need to be sick before my doctor gives a RATS MOTHERFUCKIN ASS and does something about it, besides shoving PILLS down my throat!!!!??? I mean is that the solution to the doctor's problem? Does she think, "Just shove some pills down her throat, something is bound to work eventually!!?"


Doesn't it seem more logical to actually figure out WHY my stomach is doing what it's doing? Why I can't keep anything down? Instead of just shoving pills down my throat??? For becheesus sake! I would rather be ADMITTED to the hospital to figure out what is wrong then to sit like this day after day and no one give a flying fuck. And I HATE the hospital! What does that tell you? I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

And speaking of pills...Is there anyone reading this that actually LIVES on a daily basis in pain? Physical, nonstop pain? Well I do. I even thought I was doing what was best for my family and had not 1 but 2 back surgeries to try and fix it. To try and better myself as a person and be able to actually function as a person in the real world. Once again, I was wrong.

Having surgeries only made me worse. I wouldn't recommend back surgery to anyone. Even if they tell you that surgery is your "only option" for the love of all that is HOLY don't do it. Go find yourself another doctor and get a second, third and even fourth opinion. Odds are you are better off in therapy and seeing a new doctor every week versus having surgery. It was (to date) the second worse decision I have ever made my entire life.

Now, here it is. Almost ONE year since my first surgery, and guess what? It didn't work. Now I require a visit to the doctor once sometimes twice a month. Physical therapy, a chiropractor, and pain medication just to make it through the day.

Alot of people in this world take their body for granted. They choose to use drugs, and to drink their selves to oblivion and CHOOSE to abuse pain medications and become ADDICTED to these things. I don't choose to take anything. I HAVE to, it is required for me. Here is what a morning in my life consists of:

~Wake up, only to roll over in excruciating pain

~Use every muscle and fiber of my being just to roll over and NOT crack a bone or pull a muscle

~Reach over, turn the light on

~Reach for my purse, because of the medications I am on, they HAVE to stay in my purse so my children can't get to them (they know they aren't allowed in my purse)

~Get up (roughly around 25 minutes later..)

~Go pee, make coffee while I'm in the bathroom so I can take it with me to my bedroom, to then shove pills down my throat.

~Go back to my room, sit on my bed and pull out the suitcase of medications I HAVE to take on a daily basis.

~ Take meds; which consists of (but not limited too) 2 pain pills, 2 muscle relaxers, (up to) 4 antibiotics, 1 anxiety med, 1 acid reducer, and 1 anti nausea medication and last but not least.. 1 antidepressant.. and this is just BREAKFAST!

I have to do this three times a day. And there are some people in this world that think taking medications is all glitter and fucking rainbows!!?? SERIOUSLY!??

I would do ANYTHING to turn back time so I didn't have the surgery. So I wouldn't be a walking fucking pharmacy. I am NOT addicted to any of these medications, in case anyone was wondering. And just for extra peace of mind, every month it is REQUIRED by my doctor's office to do a urinalysis to make the medications I am on are NOT being abused. And SURPRISE! SURPRISE! I'm not. I even had my doctor tell me last week that I need to take them more often, because I don't always take them as prescribed because they make so fuckin irritable that I can't stand to be in my own damn skin most days.

So for those that think its all glitter, rainbows and full of fucking joy because you have HAPPY MEDS.. Wake up people, there is NOTHING fucking happy about being on pills on a daily basis. And if you are, clearly your body doesn't REQUIRE these in order to being able to function as a normal person in the fucked up world we live in.

Wake up and smell the coffee, this is not Candyland we are living in...

That is all, end rant. Carry on folks!

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

How Sweet It Is..

 It seems like it was forever ago that I actually blogged. Don't even remember where I left off at. So here goes nothing. My vagina will be leaking all over the place. But I can be real and insane at the same time, can't I? Yes, it's my blog. I can say and do whatever I want Lol.. But this one is more on the real side, my *sensitive* side which isn't seen very often by anyone, so remember this blog. Maybe even remind me of it, later on down the road when my little black heart resurfaces. No worries though. My little black heart, will always remain intact. Just now, it has some loveee in it too. Don't worry, it scares me too...

So I have been seeing a wonderful man for awhile now. I kept it hush hush for awhile. Why you ask? That's a very simple answer. I kept it to myself (well only a few actually knew..) because it just isn't anyone's damn business. Why? People are nosey. In general, if someone is asking about your personal life, or whom you may or may not be with it. I believe that 85% of the time, it is just them trying to be nosey. Very few people in this world, actually CARE how and who you are doing. They just want gossip. With gossip, comes drama. Drama, as we all know, is neverending. Anyway you try to get around it, there will always be drama over your shoulder. Because someone always has something to say about how you are living your life. Either you shouldn't be doing this, or you are raising your kids wrong, always making the wrong choice, picking the wrong person. But seriously? WHO CARES! I know that I for one, have no care in the world who knows about what or who I am doing, and I dont care what anyone thinks. But I still chose to keep it quiet. And it doesn't matter how I put it, it is going to sound selfish. So I will just say it. I did it mostly because I wanted to keep him ALL to myself. Without the whole world knowing, without the whole world judging and to see if it actually went anywhere. Let's just face it folks! Sometimes we get into a relationship and are all gung-ho to move it forward and tell everyone and WHAM! That other shoe drops and you find out that "Mr. Perfect" is married, or secretly has a second family you didn't know about. Then your heart is all crushed (or you want to attempt murder in my case...) and you have to start ALL over again. And as I'm sure we all know, starting over with someone new isn't easy. I won't get into the "Do's and Don'ts" of dating right now, that'll come later.

But it has been no one's business. Until now. When I tell the whole world about him, without revealing who he is.. Cuz I am just sneaky like that. Well not so much sneaky, because a select few people I am close to know who he is.. but you get what I'm saying. I will get straight to what I wanted to say, because I can go on and on all night about this crap and I can see I am rambling.. So back on my topic..

This man, is wonderful. He of course has his little quirks like everyone else, has a past like everyone else. But I love him. Yeah, I said it. I love him. He makes my little black heart skip a beat when I enter the room. Yes, it feels that wonderful to me. I haven't felt like this, in I don't even know how long. I get little goosebumps just trying to get it all out. He makes me feel. I know some people won't get that. But if you really know me, then you know that actually feeling something, is hard for me. Because I have blocked my heart off for so long. Had this wall up for so long, I forgot what it was like to actually feel love. I forgot what it was like to even feel anything at all. And how sweet it really is.

Now, I am not one of those "I love-my-boyfriend-smoochie-smoochie-I just-threw-up-in-my-mouth" in love kinda chicks. That's just now how I roll. And I am even WORSE at expressing my emotions. In a blog is one thing. It is so very easy for me to get it all out. But in person? Not so much.. I've often been called, cold and bitter...even heartless. And those that really know me, know that I am not this person. Its quite the opposite actually. I usually love so much, I end up getting burned in the long run. Thus, making me block my heart. And I have been burned by love and men so much in my whopping 27 (almost 28) years of life, that I had all but given up. Even went down the friends with benefit's road for awhile, and that's just not my style.

I need to feel wanted, I LOVE to feel needed and I truly do love to be loved by someone other than my kids. I want romance and affection and all the mushy crap that comes with it. Why? Because I  have a vagina. That's just how we are built. What can I say? Am I wrong ladies?  We need to be needed.

God, I love this man. I truly do. I haven't been this in love with a man in so long, I can't even tell you when. He gives me butterflies. He makes me laugh like no one else can. And I just feel one in a million.. (throws up a lil bit..) These emotions are all SO new to me. I have never felt like this before, nor have I EXPRESSED this emotions all over the internet, where HE is reading. Yea babes, I know you are reading.. haha And everyone else that may or may not be reading.

But the bottom line... I am actually feeling. And owning up to my emotions. Which, my therapist would say is a good thing. Me? Not so much. I have no problem admitting to him how I feel, telling him any and everything that he wants to know. But the rest of the world? Not so much. That makes me vulnerable I think. Because if someone sees you happy, there has to be SOMEONE in the world who wants to ruin it for me. It never fails. Lol Maybe I am just a pessimist? Maybe I am. But I *always* sit and wait for the cookie to crumble, always. It's apart of life and after all these years I have learn to accept it as it is. A big, steaming pile of pessimism.  But that's just how I am. A giant ball of negativity.

But my outlook on life has changed a bit because of him. I haven't given up on my heart, for one. And I also haven't given up on myself. There for a good long stretch, I had all but given up on myself and just plain didn't care. I was alone, lonely, depressed. Overworked and Underfucked.. It was taking it's toll on my personal life, a big one. And I had reached the point to where I didn't want to do anything. Didn't even want to get out of bed.

And then a very good friend of mine, introduced me to him. I am a firm believer that everything in life happens for a reason. Even if you at the time, don't know the reason, there is still a reason. You will eventually find out the reason as to why something happened when it did.

I believe that he came into my life, right then and there, to heal my oh so broken heart. Because I can admit it, it was broken. In so many pieces in fact, that I wasn't sure it could be put back together anymore. But piece by piece that is happening. I can see it happening and so can those close to me. But he makes me happy. In a way that no one else has for a very long time. So long, I can't even remember. It has been just that long since I have felt happy, and alive. I feel alive! And that is a new one for me. He makes me want to be a better person. And I am 100% aware of how cheesy that sounds to even say it outloud. Lol But it is the truth. The raw truth..

Speaking of truth... This one I trust. Trust is something that is very hard for me. Being the pessimist that I am. I always see the worst in people. It's not anything that I have "learned" its just how I have always been. But now it's different. Not even 100% sure why it is different with him, but it is. I can trust him 100% until (which I don't see happening..) he gives me a reason not to trust him. Being able to fully trust someone is VERY hard for me. Cuz I have daddy issues, and abandonment issues and a whole shlew of messes. So I TRUST him with my life, with my kids. I just trust him. And I  thought I wouldn't find that already.

What happens now? Im not sure. One day at a time is what we are doing. It's worked for us so far, and it will continue to be that way. We are good for each other. And will continue to be good for each other.

Okay, now my vagina is done leaking.. I've said all I am going to say about this, for now. But stay tuned. Something tells me that he'll be around in my blogs from here on out.. ;)

P.S. ~ I didn't proofread, just typed and now I'm hitting send. And no, I don't

Thursday, November 14, 2013

30 Days Of Thankfulness in 3..2...

So, once again this year I see that there is thankfulness plastered all over Facebook. I mean really? Everyone wants to bitch and complain ALL year long and then all of a sudden once November  gets here, everything you have been bitching about all year you are all of a sudden thankful for? C'mon people! Don't get me wrong, I don't mind reading what everyone is thankful for in their lives, but why oh why are you only thankful for these things in November? You should be thankful all year long for pete's sake. Anywho. Last year I wrote a similar blog to this one, to take a peek at it you can go HERE. But here goes my 30 days of thankfulness all wrapped up into one wee lonely blog. 

Day 1: I am thankful for Janis Joplin. Still to this very day she is one of the best lady singers I know. I would lick her face if I could, cuz ya know. That's just how I roll.

Day 2: I am thankful for good drugs. Because, who wouldn't be? With all my problems it is a wonder I can function on a daily basis. So lets add meds to the mix. Yeah, I'm fuckin awesome.

Day 3: I am thankful for the $5 movie bin at Walmart, need I say more? Movies rule.

Day 4: I am thankful for Unicorns. Who doesn't love something that shit's rainbows? *raises hand* this bitch right here does.

Day 5: I am thankful for ear plugs. Without them, I would hear all that jibber jabber that came out my minion's mouths 24/7/365.

Day 6: I am thankful for Runza. If you don't live in the Midwest, you have no clue what I'm talking about. So go HERE to see. The best food ever invented.

Day 7: I am thankful for Monster's.  Legal.. crack in a can, nuff' said.

Day 8: I am thankful for pretty smelly wax candles (scentsy), because I just can't get enough of cupcakes lately. So now my entire house smells like cupcakes! SCORE!

Day 9: I am thankful for neon duct tape, makes taping the minion's mouth's shut much more fun!!!

Day 10: I am thankful for Fucker Bunny. If you don't know who that is, stay tuned.

Day 11: I am thankful for orgasms. My god, does it make a difference in your daily life! I mean, really! Having sex everyday, works wonders on your self esteem and your ego. Like I need an ego boost? hahaha

Day 12: I am thankful for my crazy fuckin friends. They are more like family then most of my own family is to me. I love you crazy fuckers, you know who you are. 

Day 13: I am thankful for my Babymama! My babymama is crazy, and I love her! See you this weekend for our son's birthday! ;-)

Day 14: Starbucks Vanilla Frappacino. OMG! Orgasm in a glass. So damn good.

Day 15: Since ya'll don't know. Around these parts they do what's called the "90's at Noon" and one of my FAVORITE songs came on today. It was "Freak Me" by Silk.. I went to pick my sister up and stood in her front yard singing and dancing and apparently screaming "FREAK ME BABY, AHHH YEAH!" while dancing with your niece is just not acceptable. The neighbors looked at me weird. So I am thankful for judgemental douchebags! If you don't like it, don't look! Lol

Day 16: I am thankful for Xanax. Wait, what?

Day 17: I am thankful for Kid Rock. Cuz really, You ain't never met a motha fucka like me! :P

Day 18: I am thankful for Facebook. *GASP* I said it! Yeah I said it. Without Facebook, I wouldn't talk to half of the people I do know in real life. Thanks for being here for my anti-social ass.

Day 19: I am thankful for my blog. Seriously, where else would I have to put all my crazy thoughts in one place? Oh wait, Facebook. So shit. I guess I'm not thankful for shit on this day.

Day 20: I am thankful that God gave me the ability to cook, and awesomely I might add. Please see; Day:11

Day 21: I am thankful for liquor. Because the saying is true, liquor! She'll love it..

Day 22: I am thankful for camara phones. It catches my crazy moments on "film" See Below: and P.S.~ Yes, that is me.

Day 23: I am thankful for my electric toothbrush. I can't pee and brush my teeth at the same time. My vajayjay hears the noise and thinks it's time to report for duty.

Day 24: I am thankful for therapy. I thought I was bipolar, turns out that I am just an asshole who is happy about it.

Day 25: I am thankful for Walmart. See, they don't have a vibrator section. But walking up to them and asking them where there vibrator section is. PRICELESS! That look you will never forget, I promise!

Day 26: I am thankful for caffeine. Let's say a prayer:

"Caffeine is my sheppard; I shall not doze.
It maketh me wake in green pastures:
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz:
It leadeth me in the paths of conciousness for it's name sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I will fear no equal:
For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of Starbucks:
Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life:
And I will dwell in the house of Frappacino's forever.


Day 27: I am thankful for me! On the 27th day of November I was born. Just admit it! Life wouldn't be the same without my crazy white ass.

Day 28: I am thankful to be crazy. You can't cure it, you know. But every now and then you can beat it with a stick! True story..

Day 29: I am thankful for the internet. I have now convinced myself that I have swine flu. Either that or my body is rejecting the 25lbs of junk food I have eaten in the last 2 days, not sure which.

and last but not least!

Day 30: I am thankful for my Kindle for Android. Seriously. I have read some awesome books lately. Books of which just make me a little more dysfunctional. But, it is nice to know that their are other mother's (WOMEN) out there that are just as fucked up in the head as I am. Awesomeness.

I know, some of these I may have been thankful for last year. But Im thankful for Janis Joplin every year. Too bad she couldn't rise from the dead and have a comeback. That would be some awesome shit! Anyways, I should move onto my other blogs I have planned to let loose today. I am a writing fool today. Full of inspiration and pretty glitter and rainbows!

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Sleepless Nights

So, it's been awhile since I have blogged. The only reason I haven't is simply because I do not have internet... I know it sounds crazy right? How many people this day and age don't have internet access??? This chick right here! Yea, I am that poor. Can't even afford the whoppin $20 a month to have access to the glorious interwebz. But ya know, shit happens. Life goes on. I have had so much going on in my life that I am not even sure I would have time to blog even if I did have internet!

October 1, 2013 I was in a car accident. A car accident of which was not my fault. I had just dropped my minions off at school and had just turned the corner and WHAM! Just like that. Yep, some 75 year old douche that shouldn't even have a license, had ran a stop sign. I had just barely seen it coming so I didn't have much time to react. I slammed on my brakes but it did no good. It was done. I hadn't been going very fast, yet the impact was one of which I will never forget. The accident had completely totalled out his 2005 Ford Taurus and had just damaged my hood and headlights. I got lucky on that end. I was also wearing my seatbelt, which hadn't helped much. See, my 2000 Chevy Impala was nice and all. But when it came right down to the impact, my seatbelt did NOT lock like it should have. Thus, sending me head on into my visor, yes my visor. My airbag also did NOT deploy like it should have, which later I had learned was the previous mechanic's fault for not hooking it back up (I had bought the car from my (not so) little brother.

Anywho, to make a long story as short as possible. This accident has caused me many problems. Permanent problems from which I don't believe I will come back from. It had given me a pretty bad concussion. So bad in fact, that for a few days there I didn't know who I was, where I was or anything really for that matter. I was lost, dazed and confused. And the worst part.. There was nothing that I could do about it. There is no treatment for a concussion, just time. I was given that old saying of "time heals all wounds."

Becheesus, I am a true walking disaster even to this day. Over a month later and I remember pretty much everything, but still manage to get confused. Mostly on the easy stuff that most "normal" people have no issues with. Like, what day of the week it is. What month it is, where I put my keys, and just WHY oh WHY do I take my clothes off and in whatever room of the house I feel like and forget where I put my bra? With these tata's, a bra is needed. Yet every single day, I can't find them Lol

You know, it's not like I already didn't have enough garbage I didn't need on my plate, but to add an accident and even more problems to the mix? I really am a walking disaster. It's a wonder I sleep at all... Sleeping is so very rare. But who can blame me? I mean do you blame me?

I could say that therapy helps, but in all honesty I haven't gone. Lol I have been so busy with my life, and the kids and my shlew of medical problems that trying to keep up with my appointments has been a struggle. I even bought a book, to write shit down so that I wouldn't forget, and that does me no good. Because 9 times out of 10 I don't even know what day of the week it is. My head was so screwed up there for awhile that I thought I had forgotten my tiny minion's birthday. And that broke my heart. I seriously cried for 2 days because I honestly thought I had forgotten my baby's birthday. Luckily I hadn't. I still had a whole week to go. But that added to sleepless nights.

When I can't sleep at night, I tend to overanalyze any and everything you could possibly dream of. As most women know, we women overanalyze situations and things, that's just how us chicks roll. But me? With all my issues going on, it is 1000 times worse at night when I can't sleep and ALL I have to do is spend time in my head. I mean, I don't have internet. I don't have cable or netflix or anything. Just the same ole' dvd collection I have had for who only knows how long. So I overthink, worry and wonder. I have tried reading, writing, taking hot bath's and showers, cleaning, herbal remedies. You name it, and I have tried it. What else is there to do?

Well I am supposed to go to therapy. Supposedly, therapy will help. Me working on my "issues" will help me worry less at night and stop overthinking and overreacting and blah blah blahhh.. But I have been down this road before and it still didn't help. They wanted to give me sleeping meds, which I GUESS would be okay. Except I sleep to heavy as it is, adding meds to the mix makes it worse. And I don't like the idea of taking something to make me sleep even heavier so I feel like I didn't even sleep at all. I mean, what happens if I take one of these meds and it just so happens to be the night that JoBlow from down the road decides to rob my house? I will be out cold and wouldn't even know it. So you see, meds aren't even an option. So something has got to give, right? Something has got to work, or at least help in the sleep process?

Ohhhh! Porn!? Lol No that wouldn't help me sleep, just give me wet dreams. Yeah I said it, wet dreams! Lol So what happens now? What do I do to help me fall asleep?

Nothing, there is nothing I can do anymore. Do you think I am forgetting anything? Sheesh! I am at the end of my rope and I am thoroughly exhausted. Someone help me sleep! LOL

Any ideas from you oh so wise ones? I am at a loss. HELP!

P.S. Check back later, I have lots more to share and I have figured out how to hook my cell to the computer for internet access! SCORE! Internet...

Deuces, and I'm outtie.....

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Slippery Slope of Love

Love is a very slippery slope for me. It seems that I have always had a tendency to just go all in from the get go. Rushing things you could say. I can say without a doubt that I have never really "dated" a man. I have always gone from just talking to someone to living with someone and even having a child with someone within months and not even loving them. I am just so spur of the moment, heart first head later kind of person. Never really slowed things down and just looked at what I am doing to myself. Rushing things with someone else, and going heart first into things has never worked well for me, at least not so far. It has been one failed relationship after another, if a "relationship" is what you want to call it. I have always with every fiber of my being, loved with my entire heart. But I have never been loved the same in return. Thus, always leaving me feeling empty and alone. And being a single mom of 3, I have often wondered if I was just destined to be a single mother. If I was just put on this Earth to be alone and raise my babies.

But with recent events in my life, I have come to the conclusion that this is not the case. I think the last few years of my life I have just tried to hard. I have given my all, and not getting anything in return. I was just trying to hard to have things happen, instead of just letting it be as it is. I even went into a marriage, all while in the back of my mind knowing that some small part of me knew that it would never work out in the end. I was looking for a love, in all the wrong places.
I had all but given up on ever finding love. I had decided that I was just defeated. I was never going to be loved the way I wanted to be and I wasn't going to settle for anything less anymore. So I had stopped looking altogether.

And then, I think it's possible that it may have found me, in a way. I am not ready to go into all the details. But I think one day it could be love, if I would let it. See, when I had made the determination that I was just destined to be alone, I had at that point put up a wall to keep everyone out of it. I just wasn't going to let love in my heart. The only people I was going to let in my heart were my kids, because love is just a slippery slope that ends with a bang. So just my kids. I had made the conscious choice to only let my children in my heart, because letting anyone else in my heart was just something I couldn't afford anymore.

But I think love is exactly what I need in my life. I think the fact that I don't need it, is exactly WHY I need it. And somehow I need to let this wall down that I have built in my heart and make some room. I have met a nice guy, may even be the perfect guy for me, yet I am guarded with every fiber in me because I just can't afford to be hurt again. I have been burned by love so many times, I am determined for it to not happen again. 

But then I try and tell myself that I only have one life, and the lesson I have learned many times is that life is way to short to be anything but happy. So why am I so hell bent on guarding my heart? The only way I am going to find love is if I let someone in, right?

So then I am left with this question I am still to this minute pondering.... Why is it that I know in my heart of hearts that I need to let this wall down, yet I haven't? Am I unconsciously fighting it? Why can't I just let everything go and be happy? How do I get myself off this slope? And why can't I just let it be?

Don't get me wrong, there is definitely potential with what I have, and lots of it. And I am taking it slow and letting my head do all the work and leaving my heart out of it. But where do I go from here? What happens if I get burned once I do let this wall down? Is it all really worth it in the end?

At the end of this Sunday night I am left with more questions then answers. So, how do I get there from here?


I've been waiting the last 2 days to write a blog. I know what I want to say, but I just don't know how to say it? If that makes any sense. It seems lately even my brain is off balance.

The last few weeks I have had a big problem with my right leg. My right leg has been screwed since I had my back surgeries, and it has been deemed "permanent" damage. It was horrible after my first surgery, but going in a 2nd time I knew that there was a risk it would cause permanent damage. But the risk of not having the surgery was greater than the risk of the damage to my sciatica nerve. And it had me broken in more ways than one after I found out. I was in denial for quite awhile, afterwards I was just plain sad and defeated. I feel like my body has given up on me, already. And I am not even 28 years old. My body has given up on me. Just saying that to myself, brings me to tears. The damage to my body is permanent..

I am really having a hard time balancing my life lately. I am determined to get myself out of this Hell I have landed myself in. If any of you only knew about my surroundings, I would probably lose you too. I have lost quite a few "friends" just because my circumstances in life have changed. I see it as people I really didn't need in my life in the first place. But I am determined to get myself out of here. I don't even want to be here, how can I raise children here? Kids are just kids, they don't even know what is going on here. All they know is that they have a roof over their heads, clothes on their back and food in their bellies, and they are content with that, which is just how kids should be. So I have been more determined then ever to get out of here. But it is going to take me alot of work to do so, and it is even harder when my body has all but given up on me. Knowing what I need to do, but my body not letting me do so? It is just debilitating.

Thanks to my body, I can't work. I am not even supposed to be out of bed. But I am getting up when I need to and working when I am able. Because I NEED the money. I need money so bad it is heartbreaking. I can't afford to buy myself any clothes, pay any bills or do anything. But I am getting up and doing it. As far as I can see, I don't have a choice in the matter. When it comes right down to it, I don't have anyone but myself and that is the God's honest truth, regardless of how anyone wants to spin it. All I have is myself. I have no one to count on but myself. My kids have only me at the end of the day. And in all honesty, even the 1 maybe 2 days a week that I am working, it is already taking it's toll on my body. But I have to do it. Because if I don't, I will hurt more than I already do and I am grateful to even have the opportunity to work, because I really do need it. And with my work history, I surely wouldn't find a job anywhere else...

I am busting my ass so hard, at the end of every night when my kids are all asleep, all I can do is cry. Yep, just about every night I cry myself to sleep. Not just because my body hurts, but because I am truly exhausted. Being a single mom has exhausted me. I am tired. And I rarely have help from anyone, it is just me. But what can I do? Nothing. I can cry all day long but at the end of the day I still have to find the strength to keep pushing forward. Because like I already said, I am all my kids have. I am mommy and daddy and everything in between.

And I have been struggling to balance my life out. Being a single mom. All while struggling to get out of this Hell, and trying SO hard to have a social life AND a love life. All while battling my body, because even my body is against me. How do I balance it all out so I am not so drained come the end of the day? I dont think I will ever be able to find a balance or center to it all. I think all I need to do is find peace at the end of the day. Some sort of peace so I am not going batshit crazy on a daily basis. It's like I am having to do it all on my own, I am just burnt out, exhausted.

How do I balance it all out? How do I find the inner peace that I need? I'm not even sure. I think I just need to take some "me" time every now and then to just do whatever I want. And that is so hard to do being a single mom.

Sooo, where do I go from here?

Wednesday, August 21, 2013


^^^^^This picture right here speaks the truth. Every.Single.Word. It doesn't matter what scar you have, every single one of them have a story behind it. Whether it be from something that happen 10 years ago or something that happened a week ago. It's there, and it's real. Because that is what scars are there for. To remind us that the past is real.

Now I don't know about you all, but I have quite a few scars from different times in my life. For example, on my left knee I have a scar from when I was the wee young age of 10. My sister and I were riding our bikes down a very steep hill and I totally biffed it. Lol My mom was so scared from all the cuts and scrapes and bruises she took us to the Emergency Room. I had hit my knee so hard, that I had a piece of rock stuck in the skin of my knee for years, when I finally "picked" it out. It left a scar behind, that of which is still on my knee today.

On my right knee I have another scar. That is from the Summer of 2005. I was drunker than 10 Indians that night (yeah, tequila..) and my aunt, myself and her neighbor were out 4-wheeling ( don't drink and 4-wheel! lol) and we went to spin a cookie and thats when the frayed part of my blue jeans got wrapped around the back tire and WHAM! pulled my entire leg right under it. I had fractured my ankle, scarred up my knee and I was on crutches for a week. But, that didn't stop me. As soon as I was off of those crutches I was right back on that 4 wheeler the next weekend. Now don't get me wrong here. I was scared to death of getting on that 4 wheeler because at that point and time I was almost certain it was going to happen again. Lol But I put my fear to the side and I got right back on it. Because that is what I was raised to do! Face your fears, and that is exactly what I did!

When you have scars on your body that are visible to other people, you often get these "looks" from people and with the looks comes questions. And there have been a time or two when I have been given dirty looks from other's just explaining what happened. But I have never been ashamed of my scars or my past, why would I start now? My scars are my daily reminder of my past. Whether it be good or bad, my past will always be there and I am the only one who knows not just the story behind them, but the actual pain they caused. And I can talk all night long about my scars and where they came from etc. But I believe that scars are just like tattoo's. Your body is your canvas and your scars are just another page in your story.

Now my biggest visible scar is the one I have from my back surgeries. Dr. Music (yes Music!) didn't just cut me open once, but twice. The First was the most painful. But here is a picture of what my scar looked like right after surgery:

Just looking at this picture brings me to tears. I remember the day it happened. I was so scared and so nervous I was shaking like a leaf on a tree. But I survived it! And it was a successful surgery. I had a Lumbar Fusion done on my L5 disc in my lower back. In English that means that he opened me up, removed my L5 disc, crunched it into little teeny tiny pieces and replaced it. Then, he put 2 rods on each side of my dish and inserted screws to hold them in place, thus a fusion. It sounds complicated, but it is a fairly common procedure these days from my research on it, and the visual I received after the surgery was complete. But shortly after Christmas (Dec 29th, 2012) I had tripped on some Christmas lights and managed to knock the rods in my back loose, because I had fallen that hard. It wasn't just that, though. I had also slipped on the ice and landed smack on my ass. Because I was out of bed when I wasn't supposed to be. I hurt myself. I put myself at such a risk because of those 2 falls that I have caused permanent damage to my Sciatica Nerve and I will forever be in pain because of it. So Dr. Music had to open me back up and fix the damage I had caused. Thus, surgery #2.

I woke up to the most unbearable pain I have ever felt my entire 27 years of life. I have had my tonsils removed, 2 children all natural, my gall bladder removed, a C-Section and a tubal ligation done, and these back surgeries were(are) the worst pain I have ever felt. The pain, is even indescribable. There is nothing remotely close to compare it too. I couldn't sit or lay, I couldn't stand, I was not allowed to get out of bed whatsoever. I was on 3 pain medications and a muscle relaxer and I was still in so much pain that I couldn't stand to be in my own skin. But I survived it. Somehow, amongst it all I made it out of that hospital without choking the life out of anyone. Because I was truly in so much pain, I didn't even want to be living.

<~~Here is the Post-Op X-ray of my second surgery. A visual for you to see, to better understand what had taken place during the procedure. I have what I call "curtain rods and deck screws" in my body. But I survived!! I am still here today writing this blog and telling you all about it so maybe others can understand the extent of pain that I am in. Completely Excruciating pain. And in case anyone is confused, this is a view from my right hip, I was laying on my left hip when this was taken. It's my lower back. I am physically in pain. 

My true scars, are the scars on my soul. Having this surgery done has tainted my spirit, and me. The true scars are the ones that no one can see or feel, but me. My internal scars. I think we can all agree that our internal scars are worse than the external scars. This surgery has scarred me in so many ways I wouldn't know where to begin. It has lowered my self-esteem, it has made me feel like a bad mother. It's made me feel that somehow, someway my children deserve better than a permanently broken, disabled mother.

It has hurt me in ways that I never knew existed. I hurt physically and emotionally ALL the time. It's almost like I have some sort of weird post traumatic stress disorder from it. Since having these surgeries done, I have changed alot. I was in therapy. And my therapist at the time had diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Stress-induced OCD, and Severe Social Issues. And *I* thought for a brief moment that I was Bipolar. But it turns out that I am just an asshole, who is happy about it. So what does that mean for everyone else? Only time will tell. 

Here is what my back looks like as of today ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> It has healed quite nicely if I do say so myself. But it will always remain. It will always be there as a reminder that my past is oh so real. But at least I can say, that I have survived beyond all expectations. I believe that you can either let your scars and past hold you down, or view them as an obstacle to overcome. And I choose to overcome.

Surgery and Mommyhood - My Violent Shove into Young Adulthood

It seems I have been given a violent shove into young adulthood. Now for anyone reading this that doesn't already know, I am only the ripe ole' age of 27, almost 28. So it wasn't very long ago that I was a teenager myself. I remember all to well what it was like when I was teenager. Boys and drama and best friends and other things I will mention another time Lol. But I remember.

Now here I have my 11yr old daughter whom will be 12 in January. It seems from overnight she went from my baby girl to a young girl with boobies the size of 34B. Yes you read that write. My 'little' girl isn't so little. She went from being little to wearing a size 0 in Women's jeans, A woman's size small in t-shirt and wears a size 7 shoe. She also stands at 5'5 already. For all intense purposes I gave birth to the jolly green giant, female style.

Along with the overnight growing I have also being given the overnight attitude. She went from being cute and innocent. To this snotty, obnoxious little brat that I don't even know anymore. And I totally understand what she is going through, I too was that age not so long ago. But I was never like she is. My mother was right when she told me that my mini-me would be 10 times worse then I ever was. And most days I can't handle it. I just want to smack her as soon as she opens her eyeballs because I just can't take her mouth. It doesn't seem to matter what I do either. I can ground her, take things away, pop her a good one in her mouth, try talking to her. I even did so much as bought her a journal thinking that maybe if she was putting all of her thoughts on paper she wouldn't have the attitude so much. But nothing has worked and I am at my wits end with her. And I only know that it is going to get 1,000 times worse before it gets any better.

She came home from school yesterday, and stated that the boys in her room were making fun of her because of her hairy legs, because she is Chewbacca. She is the hairest girl I have ever seen in my life Lol And up until yesterday I hadn't even considered letting her shave. But now I am wondering, she is getting made fun of at school, do I accept the fact that my little girl is no longer little and becoming a young woman, or do I continue to instill in her what I always have.. That no one else's opinion matters, but HERS. Thoughts?

Now I know part of it is from the move. We moved not less then 2 months ago and as soon as we did, it get worse, overnight. And I understand that it is an adjustment for us all (you really have no idea..) but I dont know what to do. And frankly, just my oldest alone is exhausting. And keep in mind that I am a single mother. I raise all 3 of these kids on my own. And by all means they are great kids. They excel in school, tutor younger kids, are very smart and well rounded. But when they are at home it is a completely different story.

I believe they do what they do, partially because they know I can't do things like chase after them, or whoop some butt if need be. Not since I've had not 1 but 2 back surgeries. And I am aware that it has been just as hard on them as it has me. But something has got to give. And part of it is*my* fault. And here is what I mean..

Their entire lives I have done everything for them. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, done my best to make sure they have not just what they need but what they want as well. And when I had back surgery I was stuck in bed for almost 2 months. I wasn't able to even roll over, let alone get up and do the things I normally do on a day to day basis. So I have had them doing chores etc. since January and they don't like it. And I understand that it is going to take some time to get things on a routine/schedule but I could talk until I turn purple and it seems I still do the day-to-day things that I used too, only with more pain. But so I don't draw it out, my children are plain lazy. I hate to say it, because they are my kids (nah, I really don't.) but they are lazy. They could eat a bowl of cereal and will get it all over the place and leave it. And leave the bowl and spoon behind for me to clean up too.

This should not be happening. They are 11 and 6 years old, they both know and are fully capable of putting their dishes in the sink, but they don't. Because they know I will do it for them. Why? Because I have OCD and I just can't wait to do it. And I know that my OCD has taken it's toll on them too, because they have stated on more than one occasion that they don't like it. Because on a daily basis, I will spend roughly 5-7hrs a day cleaning, because I need to.

But I get frustrated and overwhelmed with it and I wish I could make my children see and appreciate the things that I do for them. But the way I've felt lately, I don't think they ever will. Now I am left with the question of what do I need to do, to get the molasses out of their asses!? I'm at a loss. So if anyone has any suggestions or thoughts I am open to everything at this point because nothing I have done has made a difference.

Having surgeries has changed all of our lives, and I know eventually that it will get better. But when? How long is it going to take before things start to get easier?

I am exhausted, and I dont know what to do about anything anymore. It's like I have lost my way and I am not sure which fork in the road I need to take to get where I want to be?

Friday, August 16, 2013

Love? I think not...

Lately I have had so much going on that I wouldn't even know where to begin with it all. But love, true and real love is something that has been bothering me alot lately. Probably because I have played this song on repeat about 30 times a day. Just because it's awesome. But it's left me wondering..

Anyone who knows me really well, knows that I have always been stuck on 80's music, I just love everything about that decade of music. But Ozzy is on the top of the list. I mean, doesn't everyone love at least one song of Ozzy? Anyways, listening to this song has left me with so many thoughts and so many questions that I am not even sure where to begin with it. See, I have had one failed relationship after another. It's just been repetitive. I mean I went from one loser to another and when I say loser, I really mean it. I managed to have children with "men" that couldn't have given (still don't) give a rat's ass about my kids. But even when children weren't involved, I seem to always choose the 'wrong' one. They either don't work, don't want to work or don't take care of themselves. And in one way or another they are self absorbed or just plain heartless. And I have came to the conclusion that I seem to draw towards men that I think I need to "fix" in some way or another or a man that I think I can change in someway. When in all reality, I have yet to meet a man that wants to change. But, why do I choose these men? Why do I feel the need to "fix" them?

I'm not sure what it is really, but it's made me wonder if I ever will find that perfect love I desire so much. In reality, I love being alone.  I enjoy my own company, I like being alone and having peace an quiet surrounding me. I am completely content with it just being me forever. But do I really want it to just be me forever? No. I love having a man to take care of. Because "taking care" of someone other then my children makes me happy. I love being "that woman" who stays home and takes care of the kids, and cooks dinner and does all the housework and all that comes with the stay at home mom/wife title. I guess I just have old fashioned beliefs? But I wouldn't do it for anyone else, except me. Don't get me wrong, if I could stay home with my kids forever I would. But let's get real here. I am a single mother of 3 children that are all 5yrs apart. There is no way on Earth I can stay home and be the mommy I ohhh so desire to be, it just isn't happening. Someone has got to pay the bills and that someone is me. But I dont want it to be me. I want the happily ever after. I want a man to take care of. I want a man that my children can call "dad" or someone that they can at the very least look up to as a father figure. Because at the very least I am failing my children in that category. I do my best to play the mommy and daddy role, but let's face it. I have a vagina. End the end, I have a vagina and there will be some things that I can't teach my son, because I have a damn vagina.

But at the same time, I am almost 28 years old. I am flirting with 30 and I am not getting any younger. And for sure my health is slowly but surely deteriorating. So what do I do?

There is nothing that I can do. I know that they say to stop looking and love will find you. But fuck that! Like I said, I am not getting any younger and I am just plain sick of this shit.

I am sick of guys playing with my heart like it's a damn toy, it is not. I am sick of sleeping alone. I am sick of being a single mother, I am sick of not having anyone to share things with, I am sick of not having any damn sex! I need laid dammit, I am not a nun or about to join a convent!! I am just plain tired of it all. And ready to reach my breaking point I mean I have a few friends that I consider family and I share everything with them, but it just isn't the same. I want someone else to share my life with, plain and simple.

But at this point, I'm not even sure I want to bother anymore. Not sure if I ever do want to love again because it always ends badly and I am sick of getting hurt, and putting my kids through things that they don't need to go through. So I am not going to have any man in my life anymore. It will just be my children and me, probably forever. Because my patience for it all is gone. And I'm just not going to get hurt anymore.

I thought about just going back to what I had done before, friends with benefits. He would come in after the kids were in bed, and out the door before they got up, my kids never knew he existed. Because I am only human, I have needs too. But I dont want that either, because it doesn't matter how it plays out they always end up getting attached one way or another Lol. So that won't be happening either.

So I guess I need to join a convent after all. Because the wall is up to stay folks, and it will take an awful lot to get that wall down.

And I leave you with this.....

Monday, August 12, 2013

Who Are You?

It's been a little bit since I have blogged. I am not even sure I know where to begin with it all. There has been so much that has happened, it's as if life has grasped me by the shoulders and said, "Hold on Jessie! You are in for one hell of a ride!" And all I can do is sit here and wonder who I am anymore..

As most of you already know, I've had not just one but two back surgeries. After I had those surgeries and I laid in bed unable to even pull myself up to go to the bathroom, life hit me very, very hard. I often wondered what kind of life I would lead now that I had disabled myself for the rest of my life. What kind of mother would I be knowing that I now have what I call "curtain rods and deck screws" in my back. Not one but two Lumbar fusions. And I have had a few surgeries and 3 children all natural, and the pain that I was in for with this surgery has so far in my life been the worse pain I had ever imagined. I never realized that ONE person could be in so much pain all you can do is cry. Because I had very many nights where I just cried myself to sleep because I just didn't have the energy to do anything else. There was a time or two that I had even managed to get myself stuck in the bathtub because I was home alone and by myself and had no help. So I just sat there and cried and cried until I finally found the will power to get up, pain or not. I spent this last Christmas walking around with a cane, because I was just barely 2 weeks shy of having surgery and I could barely walk. Hell, I could barely breathe without hurting myself, but I pushed through the pain, and why? I don't wonder why, I know why. I pushed through the pain and pushed my body further then I ever thought possible, for my children.

I am single mother of 3 of the most beautiful, intelligent children on the planet. Yeah, I know. All parents say that, but my kids are amazing. They were and still are my motivation to even get out of bed each day and keep fighting, and why? Not just because I have what all parents have for their children, unconditional love. But because like I said, I am a SINGLE mother of 3 children. I am all my children have each and everyday. I am mom and dad, I am their support system and their motivators, I am their mother. And I wouldn't want it any other way. But they are also my motivators. They are my drive, my ambition and the reason I am still sitting here today. Because believe it or not, I can recall on more than one occasion where I really didn't want to be on this planet anymore. I didn't want to be alive and breathing if I couldn't live. I didn't want to be a mother if I couldn't be a mother to my children. Know what I'm sayin?

So I am 8 months post op from my first surgery. And I had recently found out that I have permanent damage to my sciatic nerve. Which means I will spend the rest of my life in pain, or on pain medication and there is nothing I can do about it. No amount of doctors or pills or therapy or anything will fix what is wrong with me, it's permanent. And for about a week all I did was cry. That's all I had in me to do, was cry. I mean, what would you do if you found out this kind of news? Cry. I cried and cried and sat and wondered just what sort of life I would lead. What kind of mother will I now be now that I will have a permanent disability? And just who the hell am I anymore? These are questions that even as I blog this, I am still asking myself.

What kind of mother am I? Am I good enough for my kids? What is going to happen next in life? And just WHO am I?

I am always here for everyone. Ask my closest family and friends and they will tell you. I will give you the clothes off my back if I know it means you are warm. Thats the kind of person I am. I will do any and everything for anyone and expect nothing in return. That's who I am, that's who I was raised to be. That is also how I raise my children.

Most days, I will admit it. I'm an asshole for the majority. I will tell you like it is, whether you want to hear it or not. So a lot of people tell me I'm an asshole and Im inclined to agree. But that still isn't who I am. I don't know who I am.

I give my ALL to my children, and I mean my ALL. There are some days I can't even get out of bed I am hurting so bad, or my legs are numb and I can't walk. But I still get up and go, why? Because of my children. They are keeping me alive. And that's all I can say on it. I am alive. I am alive no doubt, but I am definitely not living. I am not living life to the fullest and I should be, I need to be. But how?

How do I live life to the fullest while being a single mother of 3 children and a permanent disability? I dont have the answer to my own question, because I am still trying to figure it out.

Through it all, I have lost who I am, I dont know who I am or what I am going to do. I honestly haven't a clue. But I am alive, and right at this very moment all I can do is take life one minute at a time. Yes, minute. I tried to take life one day at a time, but it seemed as if all of my days attacked me at once.So now I live life one minute at a time and I am learning not to be so anal about certain things and I just go with the flow. That is all I can do. But back on topic..

So my latest battle is trying to figure out who I am. And I am not 100% sure how to do that anymore. I'm not sure how to find myself, or maybe I have already found myself and I just don't know it? All I know is that I am NOT just a single disabled mom. That is not who I am. But how do I find me?

I guess only time will tell...

...Do you know who you are?