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Monday, November 5, 2012

Facts Of My Life

I have had a bit of writer's block for awhile now. I have tried and tried many times to write, and nothing comes out. I'm not quite sure why, but there is just nothing that is there for me. I have so many words in my head, it's hard to get it all out to where it makes sense to anyone else. Although, I guess it doesn't matter if it makes sense to anyone else, but it sure helps! Lol But I thought I would at least try and post an update for anyone that was curious about what I have been up to lately.

First off, I have to apologize because try as I did, I did not finish the BlogFEST challenge in October. I had soo many things going at once that something had to give, and that was the first thing I guess. I really did give it my all and I guess that is all that counts, but I was disappointed in myself about it, yet again. I seem to do that a lot lately. But everything is just so hard right now.

I feel like I have lost just about everything in my life. I have no job, therefore I lost my house. I can't work even though I have tried many many times, my body just can't handle it and my doctor doesn't want me to work either. I had applied for social security twice now. Both times of which I have been denied. Apparently I won't be considered "disabled" until after I have surgery. I don't understand that at all. I have multiple doctors stating that I am not able to work or function at 100% like others in this world, but it is still not good enough for the state of Nebraska? What is considered disabled? Where you can't get out of bed and you are stuck because you don't have help? That's the point I will be at, no doubt. Then maybe the state of Nebraska will give a shit about the needs my family has. I am not a person who is trying to "mooch" off of the state, I really do need help. But I guess if I was some random crackhead with 8 kids and another on the way the state would give a rats ass. But that is a different post... I am giving it everything I have to survive here. I have sold just about everything I own, including the clothes on my back (literally..) and I am just struggling I guess.

I have fallen into a very deep and very low depression. It is definitely not the first time it has happened and I have ways of "pulling" myself out of it usually. But not this time. I am in therapy and on medications and even that isn't helping. But no worries, I do see my doctor later this week to try and work things on there. But here are some things I have learned about myself, and a little "Do's and Dont's" of my depression if you will...

~Don't give me "hugs" or "virtual hugs" as I have seen it up, virtually hugging me isn't going to make me feel any better, especially when I don't even like being touched in the first place.

~ Don't tell me everything is going to be alright, I am fully aware that one day it will be alright. If being told everything would be fine in a post would make me feel better, I would talk about things more often.

~Don't tell me shake it off or snap out of it

~Don't tell me anything like "Hurry up and feel better, because we need you" that is one of the worst things you could possibly say to me.

~Im not just in a bad mood, NO I did not wake up on the wrong side of the bed and No it is not just PMS

~PLEASE don't make me feel guilty about being depressed, because YES believe it or not some of you do that not even realizing it.

~Do ask me if I want to talk about it, and let it be okay if I don't

and

~Do ask me if you can do anything and let it be just fine if you can't.

I am definitely not ungrateful for any attempts to make me feel better, I do greatly appreciate your concern. It lets me know that someone out there really does care about me.

I will be better when I am better. and yes I am fully aware that I should probably see my therapist more often and take a different medication and no I am not open to suggestions and what will and won't work. Every person is different and only a doctor should diagnose a person, not anyone on the internet. and Yes as I have stated above, I know I will get through this. Its just a one day at a time thing for me.

My OCD has gotten worse. Apparently I have stress induced OCD, so the more stress I have in my life the worse my OCD is. This week I did ceiling fans and windows and alphabetized my pantry. Yes, I am also fully aware that this is not normal, but I am not normal so everything works out I guess. Normal is a just a setting on the dryer to me.

I am starting to believe, that through everything that is happening I have lost the love of my life, at least that is how it feels. I am not 100% sure if it is just my depression and anxiety making things seem worse, or if they really are that bad between us, but things aren't well right now. I thought we were going to try and work on things, but since I haven't heard from him all day, I am not quite sure where we stand on things. We do need to sit down and talk because I really don't like feeling like I have lost him, because I will not survive without him. I know that sounds cheesy, I know. But I would be lost without him. And I know he does want to be together, but I dunno I guess. I think I am just getting ahead of myself and thigns just feel horrible because of everything I have going on. Only time will tell I guess.

I have learned in the last week who is and isn't there for me when I need them. I needed to move furniture a few days ago and asked for help and got nothing and no help in return. So as stubborn as I am, I moved it myself. Yep, moved 2 couches knowing full well that my body cant handle it. But I knew if I didn't do it that it would never get done. So for those that don't know, my L4 and L5 discs (your 2 bottom discs) in my back are buldged out pressing against my sciatic nerve. This problem alone causes many problems. My legs give out on me all the time, I have fallen down the stairs this week and to make it worse, while I was carrying this couch, I actually peed my pants. Yep, you read that right. I peed my pants. Do you know how embarrassing it is to pee your pants in front of your children? I just started balling my eyes out. It was embarrassing and sad and so heartbreaking all I could do was cry. It made me embarrassed and ashamed and I had so many emotions going that the only thing I could do was cry, all night long. And that's what I did. I am all but 26 years old and it kills me that my body is giving out before my mind. It breaks my heart in so many ways, ya'll just don't know.

My surgery is scheduled for November 26th at Methodist Hospital. I will be in the hospital for a week and then recovery for the rest of my life I am sure. I am told that I have 60 percent chance of getting better, 40 percent chance of feeling worse. I am ready to take those odds if it means I am not pissing my pants in front of my children. I am ready to get it done and over with. It's time to open up the next chapter in my life.

With that said, I shall end this post because I am sure I have bored you all to death anyways. But I am here, and I will be to myself again and soon I hope...

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