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Friday, November 16, 2012

My Roots

Today is my son's birthday. And with his birthday has brought up some good memories and some not so good memories. But it had me thinking as well.

See, each of my children have a family name. I made sure of it. I call my oldest Katie, but that isn't her real name its just a nickname. Her name is actually Kathleen Rea. Her first name is from my great-great grandmother and her middle name is my middle name.

My son's name is Jonathan James. His first name is from my younger brother who passed away in 1990 from SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome for those that don't know) and his middle name is from my Uncle who passed away on Mother's Day 1998.

My youngest daughter's name is Jacklynn Lucille and her name has a story behind it too. See, 2010 when I got pregnant with Jacklynn my grandfather on my father's side had passed away after numerous complications from a stroke. Before I knew if she was a boy or girl I had already decided she was going to be "Jack" One night I had a dream, and in this dream I had curly-haired blue eyed baby. As soon as I knew she had blue eyes, Jack it was but once I knew that she was a girl I couldn't just call her "Jack" I didn't want her made fun of once she hit school age, so I named her Jacklynn instead. Lucille is from my great-great grandmother on my father's side. She just passed away in 2011 at the age of 100. She lived on the reservation her entire life, spoke only of Lakota and somehow knew exactly who I was when she met me for the first time at the age of 19. She was a very wise woman and she will be missed.

I made sure each of my children had family names. I wouldn't have it any other way, I wouldnt know any other way. But I am not the only one..

My grandmother on my mother's side does Genealogy, she has for as long as I remember. With her doing this, here is what I have learned about my heritage from that side of the family:

~We are related to Thomas McVeigh, if you don't know who he is, he is the coward who did the Oklahoma City Bombings, he is my 3rd cousin

~ We are related to James Polk.. Don't remember which president he was, but he was a president.

~We *I* am related to Sitting Bull, and we don't need a history lesson there, we all know who he is.

..thats all I can think of off the top of my head, I know there are tons more I would just have to sit down and get the list from her and that would be a few blogs worth of writing. But I am now inspired to find them all out so I will be getting that list and posting on them soon.

Family history and learning who I am and where I come from have been very important to me and always will be. Some people find it morbid, but my grandmother and I have actually taken little trips to cemetarys to take photos of family headstones for our archives. My other half finds it creepy, Lol And some of you reading this may too, but it doesn't bother me any and I think it will be very informant for future generations to come...

I'll be back with more on my roots! :)

Jonathan

My oh so wonderful son is 6 years old today, it was just like yesterday he was born. But isn't that what everyone says about their kids? They grow up so damn fast right before your eyes!

Things were different while I was pregnant with him. When I had my eldest, I gained 53lbs and I gained it EVERYWHERE. I really didnt want to be pregnant again and I sure wasn't ready for another child. While carrying him I managed to lose 20lbs throughout my pregnancy, how I did that? I haven't a clue. But I did. And he still came out healthy as a horse. He was born 7lbs 8oz and 19 3/4in long. He was and IS short, not something he gets from his mama. Lol But I stayed in the hospital for 2 days and home we went.

He was a mama's boy from the boot. Not just because mama was (is) all he has, but he just couldn't get enough of sleeping on mommy, for the first few months of his life that was the only way I could get him to sleep. It drove me crazy, because even trying to move him after he went to sleep was a chore. I would try little tricks like wrapping a receiving blanket around him to make him THINK he was still being held and he just knew. So I finally gave in and learned after awhile to take my t-shirt off and wrap him in that and he would sleep.

My wonderful and very smart son has been through alot in his 6 years of life, things of which as a mother I had no control over whatsoever and it broke my heart in ways that no one will ever know. But we survived, he survived and he is for the better because of that, for that and only that I do thank his deadbeat of a father. See, when he was 3 he was diagnosed with PTSD, Adjustment Disorder, and Separation Anxiety. When he was 4 and started school, I was extremely worried. With the combination of disorders and issues he had, I didn't think he would do well in a school setting. But as a mother, school is what he wanted and what he needed, so I sent him.

And he exceeded even my expectations. Since that very first day of school he has done very well and has always remained at the top of his class. As of right now he is the best speller and best reader in his room. And for being in a room with 16 of his peers I would say that is very well. My son is kind, warm and loving to everyone around me. He is more of a social butterfly than I am, so he has friended everyone in his room. We are expecting quite a few children at his party tomorrow and I spent close to $100 just on food for everyone to eat, and that isnt counting the cake and ice cream.

He is the ONLY boy of the bunch. Altogether he was 3 sisters. Katie is the oldest, then Danae and then Jacklynn, he is right in the middle of them all and he loves them all and "takes care" of each of them. The bond he has with each of his sisters is one of which no one can ever take from him. I am very proud of him, and proud to call him his son.

He is handsome, smart, witty, funny, caring, kind, loving, enthusiastic about everything and already a heartbreaker. He is only 6 and says he has a girlfriend, and her name is Karlee. Lol

My wonderful son, you are 6 years old today and it seems like just yesterday I was rocking you to sleep in my arms and watching you sleep. Little do you know, I still watch you sleep and wish I was rocking you to sleep in my arms. But I am also very proud of you, and you will be a great man one day and that is thanks to your awesome unicorn/ninja mommy. Happy Birthday my son! I love you!

xoxoxo ~Mom <3

Sunday, November 11, 2012

30 Days Of Thankfulness in 3..2..1..

So I see that there is just thankfulness plastered all over Facebook. And it seriously made me wonder. Am I really so screwed up that I don't want to post 30 days of shit, or are the friends that I do have just to fuckin happy? I couldn't figure out which, little of both maybe? Either way seeing all the gratitude and thankfulness makes me wants to vomit. Not that I am not thankful for things, but 200+ people posting the same thing everyday? It's almost as bad as reading all the political rants all over the place, but that's a different blog. So after stalking a fellow blogger cuz yeah, I am really bad about stalking and never commenting. Not because I don't want to, but just cuz after spending hours of reading, I am just too damn lazy. So I thought I would write my 30 days of thankfulness all in one freakin blog and get it over with. So I can stop hearing "What, you don't have anything to be thankful about!?" When in reality that list is really slim, but I am thankful for things, I just won't be plastering it on facebook everyday all damn month. So here it goes.

1) I am thankful for duct tape, without it. My kids just wouldn't stick to the walls as well as I want them to.

2) I am thankful for Xanax, and well.. Do I really need to say more?

3) I am thankful for coffee. I sleep on average 3-4 hours a night. And Crack is illegal..

4) I am thankful for my therapist. Without her I would still be out physically harming idiots. She is my only god send right now.

5) I am thankful for Dora. It's the one hour out of the entire day that my not-wanting-to-nap 2 year old sits down and doesn't tear my house to shreds. I really do love Dora.

6) I am thankful for Xanax

7) I am thankful for wine, cuz well.. it's wine.

8) I am thankful for Words with Friends. Because seriously, I wouldn't talk to some people without it.

9) I am thankful for Stove Top Stuffing. Yes, really.

10) I am thankful for Facebook, it gives me the laugh I need sometimes viewing how stupid some people really are.

11) I am thankful for my kids who are just as weird as I am. When the oldest screams from the other room "Mom, if I lean back and stick my arms out, will my boobs grow!?" I know I am doing something right. haha

12) I am thankful for Xanax

13) I am thankful for orgasms, shit wait. Im not getting any of those.

14) I am thankful for blogger. It's nice to know there are mothers out there that are just as deranged as I am, thanks ladies.

15) I am thankful for sleep. Yeah, I think I am delusional

16) I am thankful for unicorns, they keep me sane in this insane world.

17) I am thankful for being able to take a shit in peace. Yeah well, I told you I was obviously delusional cuz the only way I am taking a shit in peace in this house is at 3am.

18) I am thankful for Janis Joplin. Really wish the crazy white girl was still around, she would be a damn millionaire by now!

19) I am thankful for my vagina. Because well, even after 3 kids its fuckin awesome. And penis's are just ugly.

20) I am thankful for the capslock key, well because sarcasm still doesn't have it's own font..WTF?

21) I am thankful for my candles. I have way to many of them and it fulfills my desire for FIRE... its a win/win situation

22) I am thankful for nicotine. Because I would definitely be choking bitches without it everyday.

23)  Did I mention Xanax? Yes, I think I did. I am very thankful for it.

24) I am thankful for my 3 wonderful children. Without them, I wouldn't be talking to an adult and feel the need to say "I have to go pee pee" ...true story.

25) I am thankful for football. Legitimate excuse to yell at the Television like a retard and no one will question you. Score!

26) I am thankful for Peter Pan, because now as an adult I completely understand why he never wanted to grow up.

27) I am thankful for bleach, yes bleach. Without bleach, well let's just say I wasn't sure how else to get the fresh poo poo out of the bath tub this morning. Two cheers for potty training! WOO HOO!

28) I am thankful for my niece. Without her, I would have never learned to speak a foreign language. Aunt Jetka wuvs you!

29) I am thankful for smell good carpet powder. Thanks for being there when I am just to damn lazy to vaccum!

and last but not least..

30) I am thankful for my meds. I would probably be in prison without them!


... That's all she wrote

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

The Beginning

So there have been a lot of things that have changed in my life lately. But with the help of my oh so strange therapist I have began to look at things a little differently. Since I am looking at things and life a bit differently there have been some changes in my life.

First and foremost. I am not putting up with anyone's shit. If you are about drama or you are starting drama I will indeed block you on facebook and in real life as well. I don't care if you are family or a friend I have known since before puberty. That is it, I am done. I don't want any part of it anymore. I won't deal with it, I won't in anyway put up with it. I have reached my breaking point. I hate drama, and if that is all you are going to do is create drama I really don't want anything to do with you anymore. My life is slowly but surely getting quiet.

See, I am not a people person at all. Because in general most people are stupid. So I am what others call a homebody or a "loner" and I have absolutely no intention of changing that. I enjoy sitting by myself, I enjoy being around no one but myself. Because I enjoy my own company and there are some people in this world that I don't even think enjoy their own company but at least I can say that, can you? My therapist doesn't think that this is a good quality to have. She has told me I have "severe social issues" among many other things. But regardless of what she says, I am not going to change this. Maybe I am just stubborn who knows.

I am only about making my family and myself happy. And by my family, I mean my children and my man and myself. Because another thing I have learned lately is that if I am not happy, I can't make anyone else happy. So I have been working on that as well as cutting out the constant drama in my life. And I will get there one day and I do not care who does and doesn't like what I do. It is my life and the only person in this world I need to please is myself.

I know that saying things and actually doing them are two completely different things. Because usually I don't have the motivation. But that is slowly changing as I am changing. One day at a time is all I can do right now. Actually I prefer to take things one minute at a time these days. At least when I do that, then I won't feel as disappointed when I don't reach my goal or said task.

It is just the beginning and it will get better, It has to right?

Monday, November 5, 2012

Facts Of My Life

I have had a bit of writer's block for awhile now. I have tried and tried many times to write, and nothing comes out. I'm not quite sure why, but there is just nothing that is there for me. I have so many words in my head, it's hard to get it all out to where it makes sense to anyone else. Although, I guess it doesn't matter if it makes sense to anyone else, but it sure helps! Lol But I thought I would at least try and post an update for anyone that was curious about what I have been up to lately.

First off, I have to apologize because try as I did, I did not finish the BlogFEST challenge in October. I had soo many things going at once that something had to give, and that was the first thing I guess. I really did give it my all and I guess that is all that counts, but I was disappointed in myself about it, yet again. I seem to do that a lot lately. But everything is just so hard right now.

I feel like I have lost just about everything in my life. I have no job, therefore I lost my house. I can't work even though I have tried many many times, my body just can't handle it and my doctor doesn't want me to work either. I had applied for social security twice now. Both times of which I have been denied. Apparently I won't be considered "disabled" until after I have surgery. I don't understand that at all. I have multiple doctors stating that I am not able to work or function at 100% like others in this world, but it is still not good enough for the state of Nebraska? What is considered disabled? Where you can't get out of bed and you are stuck because you don't have help? That's the point I will be at, no doubt. Then maybe the state of Nebraska will give a shit about the needs my family has. I am not a person who is trying to "mooch" off of the state, I really do need help. But I guess if I was some random crackhead with 8 kids and another on the way the state would give a rats ass. But that is a different post... I am giving it everything I have to survive here. I have sold just about everything I own, including the clothes on my back (literally..) and I am just struggling I guess.

I have fallen into a very deep and very low depression. It is definitely not the first time it has happened and I have ways of "pulling" myself out of it usually. But not this time. I am in therapy and on medications and even that isn't helping. But no worries, I do see my doctor later this week to try and work things on there. But here are some things I have learned about myself, and a little "Do's and Dont's" of my depression if you will...

~Don't give me "hugs" or "virtual hugs" as I have seen it up, virtually hugging me isn't going to make me feel any better, especially when I don't even like being touched in the first place.

~ Don't tell me everything is going to be alright, I am fully aware that one day it will be alright. If being told everything would be fine in a post would make me feel better, I would talk about things more often.

~Don't tell me shake it off or snap out of it

~Don't tell me anything like "Hurry up and feel better, because we need you" that is one of the worst things you could possibly say to me.

~Im not just in a bad mood, NO I did not wake up on the wrong side of the bed and No it is not just PMS

~PLEASE don't make me feel guilty about being depressed, because YES believe it or not some of you do that not even realizing it.

~Do ask me if I want to talk about it, and let it be okay if I don't

and

~Do ask me if you can do anything and let it be just fine if you can't.

I am definitely not ungrateful for any attempts to make me feel better, I do greatly appreciate your concern. It lets me know that someone out there really does care about me.

I will be better when I am better. and yes I am fully aware that I should probably see my therapist more often and take a different medication and no I am not open to suggestions and what will and won't work. Every person is different and only a doctor should diagnose a person, not anyone on the internet. and Yes as I have stated above, I know I will get through this. Its just a one day at a time thing for me.

My OCD has gotten worse. Apparently I have stress induced OCD, so the more stress I have in my life the worse my OCD is. This week I did ceiling fans and windows and alphabetized my pantry. Yes, I am also fully aware that this is not normal, but I am not normal so everything works out I guess. Normal is a just a setting on the dryer to me.

I am starting to believe, that through everything that is happening I have lost the love of my life, at least that is how it feels. I am not 100% sure if it is just my depression and anxiety making things seem worse, or if they really are that bad between us, but things aren't well right now. I thought we were going to try and work on things, but since I haven't heard from him all day, I am not quite sure where we stand on things. We do need to sit down and talk because I really don't like feeling like I have lost him, because I will not survive without him. I know that sounds cheesy, I know. But I would be lost without him. And I know he does want to be together, but I dunno I guess. I think I am just getting ahead of myself and thigns just feel horrible because of everything I have going on. Only time will tell I guess.

I have learned in the last week who is and isn't there for me when I need them. I needed to move furniture a few days ago and asked for help and got nothing and no help in return. So as stubborn as I am, I moved it myself. Yep, moved 2 couches knowing full well that my body cant handle it. But I knew if I didn't do it that it would never get done. So for those that don't know, my L4 and L5 discs (your 2 bottom discs) in my back are buldged out pressing against my sciatic nerve. This problem alone causes many problems. My legs give out on me all the time, I have fallen down the stairs this week and to make it worse, while I was carrying this couch, I actually peed my pants. Yep, you read that right. I peed my pants. Do you know how embarrassing it is to pee your pants in front of your children? I just started balling my eyes out. It was embarrassing and sad and so heartbreaking all I could do was cry. It made me embarrassed and ashamed and I had so many emotions going that the only thing I could do was cry, all night long. And that's what I did. I am all but 26 years old and it kills me that my body is giving out before my mind. It breaks my heart in so many ways, ya'll just don't know.

My surgery is scheduled for November 26th at Methodist Hospital. I will be in the hospital for a week and then recovery for the rest of my life I am sure. I am told that I have 60 percent chance of getting better, 40 percent chance of feeling worse. I am ready to take those odds if it means I am not pissing my pants in front of my children. I am ready to get it done and over with. It's time to open up the next chapter in my life.

With that said, I shall end this post because I am sure I have bored you all to death anyways. But I am here, and I will be to myself again and soon I hope...