I've been asked a few times where I have been lately, because I haven't been around as much. At least not as much as I used to be. That answer is simple, mommyhood madness.
It's true. My 3 children have kept me on my toes lately. And I can't just blame it on my children either because I have had a lot going on. Between doctors and therapy and school functions and trying to keep my kids having a "normal" childhood I have felt nothing but overwhelmed lately. Overwhelmed, stressed, so much anxiety that by the time I get a moment to relax, my head is down and even then I am still not sleeping. But I have been trying to make an honest effort at it. The only friends that I have are online, and yes I am serious. So when someone doesn't see me online, they start to wonder what is wrong with me. Lol Because it just isn't normal for me.
So when I am going to give my youngest a bath, I always tell her we are going to "take a tub" because it doesn't matter what I do or what we do, she HATES the water (she is weird I know..) but tonight my wonderful and only son had decided that instead of "taking a tub" he wanted his sister to "take a toilet" and YES that is really what he called it. So while I was in the kitchen cooking chili for dinner, he brings my almost 2 year old daughter in and says, "Look mommy, Jackie took a toilet" I wasn't sure if I wanted to laugh or cry. I was just in awe about it all. My kids are crazy, and this is proof. Now if I had a camara, that would have been something to Facebook, because it was really that memorable. But this is just one example of what my crazy out-of-this-world children do to me on a daily basis, and yet that can't figure out why I'd rather daydream about unicorns and rainbows! I guess when they have children of their own they will understand... :-P
But life has been taking me for a ride and not a good one either. I am having tons of money problems, I can't afford my house, so I am at risk (again) for losing it. I just got another shut off notice today, and I have absolutely no way of paying it. I can't work, the state won't help me either. So I am on my own to try and figure everything out. Don't get me wrong, I can whine about it all I want, but I have made my own bed and right at this moment I am sure laying in it and I don't know what to do anymore about anything. I have reached my breaking point. My man tries to help when he can, but even he hasn't found work yet. He moved here from Alabama to be with me, left his job and family and everything behind to be with me. And he gets here has no job, loses his car etc. And he is really struggling with not being able to take care of us the way a man should take care of his family. So him and I have a been struggling there a little. I think its my fault that he is here and doesn't have a job, he says it isnt because he made the conscious choice to do it. But it's just hard and we just can't catch a break for anything.
And I am tired of not being able to catch a break. And just when I had thought things were starting to run a little smoother, everything has gone to hell all over again in a new month and I am just at my wits end lately.
Depression has taken over, along with sleep deprivation, anxiety and ubber amounts of stress. The only bit of stress relief that I have is blogging. I am currently waiting on my doctor be on yet some more medications I wish I wasn't taking, but what can I do? Nothing else is working and I have about given up.
What happens next? Only time will tell..