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Friday, October 5, 2012

Jack

So with the countdown to my youngest daughter's birthday, I have been doing a lot of thinking. My baby is 2 years old. That means it has been 2 years since the passing of my grandfather. My grandfather of which I did not know or meet until I was 13 years old.

Even well into my adulthood, I didn't know my grandfather well, and didn't visit him often. And the reason for that is simple, I have NEVER (even to this very day) felt apart of the family and probably never will. I don't speak with my father, he has no desire in this world to speak to me, I just don't speak with them, and they don't speak with me. But that does not change WHO I come from, and never will. Regardless of whether they consider me family or not, we are blood and always will be.

When my grandfather passed, I was crushed. I wasn't (and still not) sure why. But it broke my heart. I pondered the things that I wish were different growing up. What it would have been like having him in my life,  how different of a person I would be if he was apart of my life etc. The pain and heartache I had with the passing of this man, was so hard on my body and so hard on me that I was on anxiety medication for quite awhile after his passing.

So when I had found out I was pregnant, I wanted to know if it was a boy or a girl. Because as with all my other children, I wanted to make sure this child had a family name. My oldest is named after my great-great grandmother (Kathleen) my son is named after my younger brother who passed away from SIDS at 3 months old (Jonathan) and my baby is named after my grandfather, but she is a girl so I had to improvise a little because naming a girl "Jack" would just get her made fun of in school. So her name is Jacklynn and she is almost 2 years old and will never know her great-grandfather, my grandfather. He was a good man, and I miss him dearly and by all rights, I shouldnt. He was never apart of my life as a child, teenager, or into my adult years, so why do I miss him? He was still my blood.

And even though my children don't know my father's side, their grandfather's side, does not mean they don't know where they come from either. They are 100% aware that they are part Indian and our family history etc. That is something I have always made aware to them and always will. I can't change my blood, they sure can't change their's either!

But it is countdown, 1 week and my baby Jack will turn 2 years old. And it seems like just yesterday she was born. My tubes are now tied, so she really is my last "baby!" I have been trying to suck up all I can while I can, because she will only get bigger before my eyes!

But everytime I look at her baby blue eyes, I can't help but think of my grandfather, who had the exact same color and it hurts my heart. But grief is just apart of life and only with time will it get easier. I just wish it would get easier already, because I miss him and I can never get back the days that he was not apart of my life. All I can do is move forward and make it known to my children who he was and where they come from...right?

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