So lately I have been struggling, and it hasn't been a secret. For the most part all I do is "fake" everything. I let others believe that everything is okay, and I am okay and everything is okay. When in reality it isn't, it isn't even close to being okay. But I have also been struggling with what I even believe in anymore. Do I really believe in God? I mean, I used to always believe that God wouldn't give one person more then they could handle. But I am not so sure I believe that anymore. I mean, why would God knowingly put ONE person through just the things I am going through? How does he expect me to get through all this and still have faith in the end? I'm just not sure I believe that God would put so much pain and turmoil in one person's life, I just don't believe it. I am told that I should let everything go and leave it in God's hands and he will get me through. But can I really do that if I dont believe in him? I don't think that is the thing to do. But then again, what do I really know for sure these days?? I have soo many things running through my mind on a daily basis it is a wonder I am still sane. But I guess that is a different blog.
Do I believe in happiness? Do I believe that everything will work itself out? Do I honestly believe that everything happens for a reason? I am struggling and that is all I can say for sure that I do know. The biggest thing I am struggling with right now, is do I believe in myself? I am not sure I do anymore. I don't fully believe in myself. The only abilities within me that I do believe in, are my abilities as a mother. I can and will do anything for my children and it doesn't matter what path in life I end up in, that will never change. I am a mother first, but I am also a person. There is a lot more to me than just being a mother. I am a person. And right at this moment, I don't believe in myself at all. But I dont even know where to begin to pick up the pieces of me. I don't know anymore. I don't know what happens next. But here is what I at this moment do believe in.
* I believe that if I fake it long enough, in my heart I will eventually think everything is okay.
*I believe the though of unicorns and flying monkeys will keep anyone sane, or at least young at heart.
* I believe that everyone has problems in their lives, some are just better at faking it than others.
*I believe that the love of my life has and will continue to support me through it all, and his strength will help my find my strength
*I believe that even on my weakest days, the "I love you mommy" that I receive from my children everyday, is what keeps me getting out of bed each day.
*I believe that you don't know how strong you really are, until being strong is your only option.
*I believe that when you fuck up, you find out who your true friends really are.
And last but not least..
*I believe that laughter is the best medicine, except for diahrrea.