Now this is a sore topic for me, believe it or not. I am not a communicator at all. Except when it comes to the internet and blogging. Why is that? Even I am not sure. Eye contact for starters. In person, I am not the one to look someone in the eyes when I am talking to them, it's just not how I roll and I am not even sure why I am this way, but it's just the way I have always been. Maybe because on the internet, I am not being judged to my face? Who knows. I am sure (almost guarantee) that a few have read a few of my blogs and thought "what is wrong with her?" or "W.T.F.?" I guarantee it. It doesn't bother me really, even in person it wouldn't. But something about just knowing I am being judged and physically seeing it and just someone "internet bashing" are just different to me, if any of that makes sense.
I have been working with my almost 2 year old daughter on communication. She is at the stage that she thinks if she whines long enough or cries long enough mommy will just give in and give her what she wants. This is not the case. If she wants something, I make her say with her words what she wants before I will give it to her. She is my 3rd child, and my last. But she isn't any different then my other 2 children. I always tell her "Use your words!" because just whining and crying will get you nowhere in life. But I am a bit of a hypocrite. Because I will use my words, and use them very bluntly. But I am not a person who says many words. I will only talk when I have something to say, and that's it. Im not that random person you will run into at Starbucks and strike up a conversation with about the weather, nope that's not me at all. I am the quiet one who looks down when she walks and avoids every person in the room, why? Because in general, people are idiots. Yes, I said it. Some people in this world are just plain idiots and I can't stand having a converation with an ignorant person. Ignorant people just make me want to smack the stupid right out of them. Im sorry, but that's just how I see it. In general, I can only tolerate people in short bursts. Even my own family. It gives me SEVERE anxiety to even be surrounded by people. I just don't put myself in situations like that. And if I am somewhere and you are acting like an idiot, I would be the person (whether I knew you or not) to tell you that you are acting a fool.
But when it comes to my relationships it is different. For instance, when I am with my man. Him and I rarely talk. I mean we have conversations about random things but we never really sit down and just talk about things that are bothering us, or things we want to change. We in turn, TEXT each other. Is that healthy for our relationship? Probably not. But it has worked for us. When I am with him, the rest of the world stops. I don't worry about anything, I don't have stress over anything I just feel free. Him and I rarely fight about anything and when we do, 9 times out of 10 it is about my own insecurities or something equally irrelevant. And it isn't just him, its everyone else as well. I am not a big talker at all. I am not the person to call you, I would be the person to text you 4156324152364 times and when you call, say maybe 2 words. Because at that point I have already said everything I needed to, that's the end of that.
I always joke around and tell everyone that facebook and the internet is my social life. But in all reality it is the truth. I dont have many friends (less then 5 actually) and none of which really live close and for the most part, I don't even get along with anyone. I am a hard person to get to know in person, and I am a hard person to be a friend with because as everyone tells me, I am "set in my ways" and I am not changing anything for anyone but myself. Does that make me conceited? I have reached a point in my life that I don't even care anymore.
But how do I change my ways after so long? Better question, do I really want to change my ways? Do I really want to change my ways of communication, and why would I need too? Maybe this blog is pointless. But sometimes I wonder, is it really other people or is it just me?
I have soo many unanswered questions sometimes and they are just running through my brain tonight..