I have been evicted from my home..why? Because I can't afford rent. I can't work because of my medical problems (but that hasn't stopped me from looking) and the $160 (sometimes less then that!) in child support I receive every month, isn't even enough to keep anything paid, let alone help with rent. I have gotten help from family in the past, but I feel like such a burden to them anymore that I dont even want to ask. And I know they are sick and tired of helping me. Afterall, it isn't their job to take care of my family and me, it just isn't. And I am just tired. I have tried looking for help from the state. But they always need something I dont have. Like my daughter's birth certificate. Last year it flooded where I live and I lost everything (literally!) so I would have to order a new one. I called the state to ask them if a copy of her birth certificate from her school would be enough until I received the original in the mail and they told me no. It's going to take almost 12 weeks before I see her birth certificate. Where does that leave me? Homeless. I could turn to family for help, but they don't have room for 4 people in their house and I wouldn't ask them to in the first place. I know in the long run (err..short run..) I will have a place to stay if need be, but I dont want to put that on any of them. So I am in a bind.
Because of the endless list of things that I have going on, I have decided to seek out counseling. I have been told for years that it would probably do me some good, but I never went. I didn't have insurance or a car or something was going on that was preventing me from having the time to do so. Well, with everything going on I figured it couldn't hurt any. I mean after all, my life has already about fallen apart, what else could go wrong at this point? So I went to a few sessions, and here is what she told me:
A) I am Manic Depressive ~ which is not something you want to be at all.
B) I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder ~ Anxiety, no surprise there!
C) Stress Induced OCD ~ The more stressed out I am, the worse the OCD is. We all know what OCD is right? Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
These conditions combined together, manage to make Jessie a very unstable person. I already knew that something was "wrong" but I just didn't realize how screwed up I really was, until now.
I have never felt so low about myself, my entire life. I have never felt like I have hit bottom until right now. And my gut tells me, that it is going to much worse before it gets better. But who and where do I turn? I dont even know anymore.
I feel so damn defeated it scares me, it really does. But then it hits me. The reasons why I get out of bed each morning.
They are the only thing that gets me out of bed each and everyday, the only reason I keep going. My children are all I have, just a regular plain jane mommy. I am running around doing things sometimes up to 18 hours a day. I am a maid, a cook, a taxi, a referee etc.. and a nice hug at the end of the day when they have a bad day at school. I'm just a mom. And I may not mean anything to anyone else (and I have really been wondering what I mean to anyone else..) but I am all that they have. And broken or not, they need me. So I have to find my inner strength each day to pull myself out of bed every morning and try to put the pieces of me right back together.
I am not sure how I am going to get out of this disaster of a life I have managed to create for us, but I will get out of it, if it's the last thing I do!
(PS ~ health update is to follow)