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Tuesday, September 18, 2012

At The Bottom, Workin My Way Up!

So I have been juggling this topic around for a couple days now. I couldn't decide what I wanted to do with it, because lately I have had a bit of a writer's block. Which is new for me, because usually when things in my life are at an all time low, that is when I usually have the most to say. But I do honestly have to say I think I have hit a bottom. I dont think I have hit rock bottom, but I do believe I have hit an all star bottom in my life. I won't get dramatic with the details but things are a lot worse off then I even let on. I just spare the details of my miserable life to others. I dont need to feel pity from anyone and certainly don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. Because the fact of the matter is that my life is the way that it is because of the actions I have taken. It's my own fault I have ended up in the disaster I am in and I take responsibility for it in every way. And I am definitely trying to fix things in anyway that I can, but it seems the more I try to fix things, the worse off I end up. And lately I just feel like I am screwing things up royally and it doesn't matter what I do. For instance..

I have been evicted from my home..why? Because I can't afford rent. I can't work because of my medical problems (but that hasn't stopped me from looking) and the $160 (sometimes less then that!) in child support I receive every month, isn't even enough to keep anything paid, let alone help with rent. I have gotten help from family in the past, but I feel like such a burden to them anymore that I dont even want to ask. And I know they are sick and tired of helping me. Afterall, it isn't their job to take care of my family and me, it just isn't. And I am just tired. I have tried looking for help from the state. But they always need something I dont have. Like my daughter's birth certificate. Last year it flooded where I live and I lost everything (literally!) so I would have to order a new one. I called the state to ask them if a copy of her birth certificate from her school would be enough until I received the original in the mail and they told me no. It's going to take almost 12 weeks before I see her birth certificate. Where does that leave me? Homeless. I could turn to family for help, but they don't have room for 4 people in their house and I wouldn't ask them to in the first place. I know in the long run (err..short run..) I will have a place to stay if need be, but I dont want to put that on any of them. So I am in a bind.

Because of the endless list of things that I have going on, I have decided to seek out counseling. I have been told for years that it would probably do me some good, but I never went. I didn't have insurance or a car or something was going on that was preventing me from having the time to do so. Well, with everything going on I figured it couldn't hurt any. I mean after all, my life has already about fallen apart, what else could go wrong at this point? So I went to a few sessions, and here is what she told me:

A) I am Manic Depressive ~ which is not something you want to be at all.

B) I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder ~ Anxiety, no surprise there!

C) Stress Induced OCD ~ The more stressed out I am, the worse the OCD is. We all know what OCD is right? Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. 

These conditions combined together, manage to make Jessie a very unstable person. I already knew that something was "wrong" but I just didn't realize how screwed up I really was, until now.

I have never felt so low about myself, my entire life. I have never felt like I have hit bottom until right now. And my gut tells me, that it is going to much worse before it gets better. But who and where do I turn? I dont even know anymore. 

I feel so damn defeated it scares me, it really does. But then it hits me. The reasons why I get out of bed each morning.

...My children

They are the only thing that gets me out of bed each and everyday, the only reason I keep going. My children are all I have, just a regular plain jane mommy. I am running around doing things sometimes up to 18 hours a day. I am a maid, a cook, a taxi, a referee etc.. and a nice hug at the end of the day when they have a bad day at school. I'm just a mom. And I may not mean anything to anyone else (and I have really been wondering what I mean to anyone else..) but I am all that they have. And broken or not, they need me. So I have to find my inner strength each day to pull myself out of bed every morning and try to put the pieces of me right back together.

I am not sure how I am going to get out of this disaster of a life I have managed to create for us, but I will get out of it, if it's the last thing I do!



(PS ~ health update is to follow)

13 comments:

  1. Jessie, i dont kno if u believe in God or what but i can tell u what i do and ive been homeless toooooooooooo many times to count due to dumbass Baby Daddy i got with, but i literally put it all in God's hands. He has pulled me thru some ruff times in the past 4 years. I couldnt imagine what counseling would tell me...haha im scared but i want to kno so i may do it too. I see u has a really cool funny person that i kno if i ever came to see you we would hit it off and become really good friends. Keep your head up and remember that once u hit bottom u can only come up!! I love u girl!!

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    1. Yeah, Im not quite sure what I believe in anymore. That is also a work in progress...lol

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    2. yea sorry it took so long to reply back, but i understand that my self. i really dont believe in the bible cause its been rewritten so many times but i do believe in a higher power =) u still doin counseling?

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  2. woah...you're amazing!!! This must have been written during an amazing stretch of GUTS, to be facing "homelessness" is no easy feat...and most who hit bottom..cant write..so WOAH and WOW just know you're gonna make it. Have to say one thing tho, please let your family know..don't assume they can't take you in ok? :0) ((hugs)) and looking forward to reading update!!

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    1. It seems I write the most when I do hit bottom. It's also part of my therapy (to keep blogging) so it really does help. My family does know about everything that is going on, but their hands are tied just as much as mine are at the moment!

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  3. I know you aren't looking for sympathy, and I'm not offering pity, but our human connection means that my heart aches for all that you're going through. You are a fighter, a strong spirit, and a dedicated mother. You might be "broken" (and really, who isn't, to one degree or another?), but I'll bet your children know, REALLY know, how deeply they are loved.

    I admire that you keep on doing everything you can to move yourself forward. You take a hit, you get back up. That's no small thing, Jessie. It really isn't.

    I will keep you and your little ones in my prayers. I have to agree with Brenda--I wish you'd reach out to your family. My guess is that if they needed you, you'd do all that you could to help them and though you may have called on them in the past, I doubt that means they wouldn't step up for you again. That's what love does. If it was one of your kids who needed help--even repeatedly and even long after they're grown--you'd reach out to embrace them, no matter the battle they were fighting. Those who love you most would likely do the same for you.

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    1. It takes an awful lot for me to get back up each day. and I can honestly say without a doubt in my mind that sometimes everything going on just drains the life right out of me, and I struggle just to raise my head. But it's in my nature to fight, it always has been and it always will be. I am determined and my determination and my HOPE (haven't lost that yet) is what is going to get me out of this rut.

      My family is fully aware of what is going on with me. I live in my Uncle's home. It is my uncle who is kicking me out. That's the kind of family I have, if that tells you anything at all. But I do have a select few that do help, I just no longer want to burden them or be made to feel like I am "using" them in anyway. I guess that's just my pride getting in the way.

      One day at a time!

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  4. I respect that you don't want to look for help but make things work yourself. Kudos

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  5. In my line of work, I have an opportunity to give back to my community. Several times a year I speak to groups of people at Catholic Charities through their Coach-2-Career program. It is one of the best programs I've seen. Catholic Charities helps people from all walks of life to find jobs, homes and other things. You might want to check them out. Just a thought...

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    1. Thanks Susan. I will definitely check into that. I am not sure if they have that here? But I am going to look into it for sure. I have reached a point to anything I can do to try and make things work out, I am going to do. I have even enrolled in some college classes as well to try and better myself to actually "get" a career versus a low paying job with endless hours and no rewards. Anyways, I am going to look into it! Thank you!!

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  6. I think you are extremely brave. One way or another you will survive because you simply have too. You have balls girl and you lay your heart and balls on the chopping block every time you write. You will survive this, and your kids will look up to you and see how strong you really are despite everything.

    Kathy
    http://gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com

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    1. Thank you. Ive been told on an occasion or 2 that laying everything out as "open" as I do isn't always a good thing. But it's who I am. And yes I will survive one way or another if it is the last thing that I do.

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    2. Thank you. Ive been told on an occasion or 2 that laying everything out as "open" as I do isn't always a good thing. But it's who I am. And yes I will survive one way or another if it is the last thing that I do.

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