So I woke up this morning extremely irritated. I was already woke up at 2am because of my extremely RUDE neighbor who knows that I have children and still proceeds to BLARE her rap music all night, knowing damn well my children are sleeping. But even though I was cranky nonetheless I set out to seize the day. Because you see, I have been slacking on housework and laundry something fierce lately. Only doing what is necessary. Like ya know, dishes and the basic laundry each day and what not. Between my doctor appointments and Life just being hectic lately, I have been struggling. Especially since I am doing it all alone. I have been having troubles evenly balancing things out. Balancing things is something I have been working on, because I seem to be forgetting everything lately, so I bought a weekly planner to help with that.
But after I served my children cold pop tarts this morning (yeah, lazy mommy.. I know!) I sat down to drink my morning coffee, because if I can't get in at least one cup in the morning because my kids start driving me crazy, I will go completely psycho on you. I can't function without my caffeine, anyways. While I was sitting down drinking my morning coffee and lurking around on facebook reading about how everyone I seem to know is just SO unhappy with their lives, yet not doing anything about it. It hit me. HOLY BATMAN! I was the same person! I was that person who makes that whiny post on facebook about just how freakin miserable they are. The only difference is, that I have actually been fighting tooth and nail to dig myself out of this hell I have created. *I* am unhappy with things, but my children are still quite content. So I sat down to try and figure everything out. I sat down and tried to figure out just WHY I was so freakin miserable. I mean, I have a lot of things going on to make me miserable and grumpy, but things going on in your life can only make you miserable and grumpy if you let them. And that is exactly what I have been doing. Especially with people around me. I let everyone in this world just walk all over me. why? Because it's just easier that way. Im not a person for conflict and Im not a "shit starter" so if you try to fight with me, I will either walk away or just plain let you have your way so I don't have to deal with it. Is it the smartest decision? Probably not. But it's all I've known my entire life, it isn't something that will change overnight.
But I have really been missing my boyfriend lately. I am so in love with the man, the last time I dropped him off where he was staying, I almost cried. It literally broke my heart to have to leave his side. And he doesnt even know it. Why aren't we under the same roof you ask? Because of my mother. Yes, my mother. My mother is under my roof and they just don't get along by any means. But I can't just kick my mother out, its my mom you know? And she has no place to go, and it just wouldn't feel right. But my mother and I do not get along at all. We fight and bicker all the time. She seems to think she just knows whats best for my children, when it isn't her job. and I could go on and on all night about the differences between us. But to make a long story short, her and I are better loving each other from a distance. And I was here when she needed help, but I am grown. I do not need to live with my mother. My mother is supposed to be off somewhere spoiling my children, not trying to be "mommy" cuz she wants to.
Anyways, with my pending eviction notice, I have been fighting and struggling trying to figure out what in the hell I am going to do. Especially since I have no money! And my honey has been working odd jobs here and there but it isn't enough to cover rent/bills etc.. each month. He is having a hard time finding work, just simply because there aren't any jobs here. Hell, I have a degree and certifications under my belt and I still can't find work. So its not like I actually have any money to just move somewhere. And it isn 't terribly expensive to live here, but expensive enough that I can't afford a house big enough for my 3 kids, me and him and he can't afford it either. But I haven't let that stop me. I have been trying my best to do what Ican. Looking for work (even though I shouldn't be working according to my doctor) and I also filled out the paperwork for my financial aid to take my classes again. Who knows, maybe with my education further I can actually find a descent paying job.
So it's not like I am just sitting around on my ass all day long doing nothing, I am trying my damndest to get out of the hole I am in, but I am just plain exhaustipated. Do you know what exhaustipated is? I am just to tired to give a shit anymore. Lol
Back to my revelation.. I just don't care what anyone has to say anymore. There isn't a soul around me who is willing to HELP me while I am down, why in the hell should I worry about them? I am not going to, not anymore. I mean there is only ONE person in my entire that has been willing to help me and that person's opinions is the only one that matters to me. I am no longer worried about the rest. And I dont want to feel like the person who is "mooching" or "asking for something, and not giving anything" because there are a lot of times I can't give anything in return. But I am doing the best I can with the crappy hand I've been dealt.
But I don't want to live like this anymore and I am not going to! I am getting to old and to "set in my ways" to live with anyone who I dont want to live with! Especially my mother that thinks she needs to rule and take charge of my world. And I get it, I do. I am her oldest daughter and her "baby" so even at 26 years old she feels the need to "parent" me. But she has done her job! I am grown, let me live my life and take care of me and mine already!!
Holy Batman! It is time for me to move on with my life, even if it's a crappy one!!! Lol