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Monday, July 9, 2012

Love Is A Battlefield

Ahhh Pat Benatar said it! Love is a battlefield, it really and truly is. It least it always has been for me. I think I have this sign that says "I attract losers" that must be tattooed on my forehead or something because LOVE has done nothing but hurt me my whole life. It just hurts and I hope that one day it doesn't. But I have been broken from it so many times I am slowly but surely becoming jaded.

So on May 19, 2012.. The man I love with every fiber of me finally moved from Alabama back to Nebraska to be with me. I was so excited that I blogged about it and I had butterflies for a week. I have been in love with this man for so many years, but the circumstances have never been right with us, something was always in the way or something was always wrong so it never worked out. So I thought when he finally decided to move up here, things would be different. Way I completely wrong to believe that. Things aren't any different then they were years ago when we had first been together. The only difference is now we are both a little bit older.

I haven't talked to him in over a week. He doesn't have a phone, I have absolutely no idea where he is or if I will ever even hear from him again. Why? Who knows. Even at this very moment I can't get an explanation. The only thing he has ever told me is that he doesn't like all the drama that is in my life right now, but really! Does he think I enjoy it? NO! But there is only so much I can control and everything else is out of my hands. But I can't help but think, if it was really meant to be, then wouldn't he stick around? I mean it feels like he is bailing on me already and it is breaking my heart. And the more and more I try to talk to him the more and more he just pulls away. So I can't help but feel like I was just an excuse for him to move down here. And it is killing me. I am sooo in love with this man it breaks my heart every single day. And he knows this, and he still chooses to stay wherever he is at doing whatever it is he is doing. And I just sit here day after day like a retard waiting to hear from him, and why? Because I love him. But I have reached this point in my life that if you aren't all in it with me, then you aren't with me at all. You have to be willing to see me through my worst or you won't get me at my best. Because I am getting to old for the high school games and I don't want to play any head games either. But I love him, so Im waiting it out and hoping he comes around. Maybe he just hasn't had time to adjust? I don't know what to think or how to feel about any of it anymore. I just know I love him and I don't even know if he loves me anymore. It's all so confusing. My heart tells me one thing while my head is telling me something completely different. And Im told I need to follow my heart, and take my head with me. But that is so very hard for me to do. I sit here wondering, will I ever get my happy ending? Will it ever be right? Will anything ever work out like it's supposed to?

Im always saying that what's meant to be, is just plain meant to be. But I feel like an idiot. I really do. I mean,  I can't believe that a man would actually move here for me? Why would I be dumb enough to believe his head and heart was all in it? Because it  isn't and Im not even sure he knows what he wants anymore and I believe that is why he is distancing himself away from me. But what do I know? He hasn't even bothered to call me or anything so I could be completely wrong. I don't know what to do about any of it anymore.

He is fully aware that I am having surgery, and he is nowhere around. If he can't be here for me now, why on earth would I expect him to be there after the surgery? I can't count on him at all, he seems to be more unsettled and unstable then I am right now and I can't have that. But I just love him and I want it to work. But it isn't going to work if *I* am the only person making an effort.

I know what I need to do, so why can't I do it?

4 comments:

  1. I don't even know him but I can tell that he isn't right for you. A REAL man stands by his woman through thick and thin. If your life is too much drama, well then, life in general is too much drama and he will go where the wind blows. There are some people in this world who only want an easy life. I believe he is one of them. You need to listen to your head because if you don't, down the line somewhere, you will wish you did. (((hugs)))

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  2. I really have a hard time with this. I know how you feel about him, but you have said it a million times, if he can't there when things are the hardest, than he doesn't deserve you at your best!! <3 <3 Love ya

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  3. Fuck me running, why can't I do it? I keep waiting for him to come around.. But I think he will come around too late.. And then I won't be here!

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