I really enjoy this topic, mainly because both have been on my mind recently. I have been thinking alot lately about my surgery coming up on the 23rd and I have hopes and fears about it, but who wouldn't? Hope is something that is often hard for me to believe in. At this point in my life, I am not sure what I believe in and hope.. well.. Deep down it is always there somewhere, It's just hard for me to find sometimes.
My hope is that everything goes smooth an I have no complications etc from the surgery. But again, hope is something I don't have much of, so I am also not holding my breath either. Because just about 85% of the time I get drawn the short end of the stick and something always goes wrong, always. And I am not expecting this to be any different. I almost found myself praying the other night, and that's not me at all. I don't do church or God, or praying. Everything is just what it is. If that makes any sense to anyone. But I have been battling these problems for over half my life and I just keep telling myself that something has got to give! When is something good finally going to happen, is this going to be the good thing that happens finally? I am hoping so, but again I am not holding my breath. Hope is so very hard for me to have but I am trying really hard. How do you just have hope? Where does it even come from? I just plain don't know anymore...
I also fear that once I have this surgery, things will be worse. Im a pessimist and I am hoping for the best but anticipating the worst. On the list of things they gave me that could go "wrong" I am assuming will happen to me. I don't know why I am just the pessimist but I am anticipating it ALL. I also fear that once I have this surgery, I will have no help. I will have no help when I need it the most and that alone scares me. I have 3 kids to take care of and I am doing it on my own and this surgery will have me off my feet and in bed for 6 months, at least. I can barely get help now with things, why would it get any better just because Im having surgery? This fear alone has almost had me cancelling the entire surgery. Just because I am not 100% who I can and can't count on when I need them the most. It scares me. I try and stay hopeful through it all, but my fears outweigh my hopes and Im not sure how to balance the two out. Or how to get rid of my fears? I am shooting for one day at a time at this point. I am taking things one day at a time and that is all that I can do right now.
One day at a time for finding my hope and one day at a time for eliminating my fears! What do you think?