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Saturday, July 7, 2012

Hopes And Fears

I really enjoy this topic, mainly because both have been on my mind recently. I have been thinking alot lately about my surgery coming up on the 23rd and I have hopes and fears about it, but who wouldn't? Hope is something that is often hard for me to believe in. At this point in my life, I am not sure what I believe in and hope.. well.. Deep down it is always there somewhere, It's just hard for me to find sometimes.

My hope is that everything goes smooth an I have no complications etc from the surgery. But again, hope is something I don't have much of, so I am also not holding my breath either. Because just about 85% of the time I get drawn the short end of the stick and something always goes wrong, always. And I am not expecting this to be any different. I almost found myself praying the other night, and that's not me at all. I don't do church or God, or praying. Everything is just what it is. If that makes any sense to anyone. But I have been battling these problems for over half my life and I just keep telling myself that something has got to give! When is something good finally going to happen, is this going to be the good thing that happens finally? I am hoping so, but again I am not holding my breath. Hope is so very hard for me to have but I am trying really hard. How do you just have hope? Where does it even come from? I just plain don't know anymore...

I also fear that once I have this surgery, things will be worse. Im a pessimist and I am hoping for the best but anticipating the worst. On the list of things they gave me that could go "wrong" I am assuming will happen to me. I don't know why I am just the pessimist but I am anticipating it ALL. I also fear that once I have this surgery, I will have no help. I will have no help when I need it the most and that alone scares me. I have 3 kids to take care of and I am doing it on my own and this surgery will have me off my feet and in bed for 6 months, at least. I can barely get help now with things, why would it get any better just because Im having surgery? This fear alone has almost had me cancelling the entire surgery. Just because I am not 100% who I can and can't count on when I need them the most. It scares me. I try and stay hopeful through it all, but my fears outweigh my hopes and Im not sure how to balance the two out. Or how to get rid of my fears? I am shooting for one day at a time at this point. I am taking things one day at a time and that is all that I can do right now.

One day at a time for finding my hope and one day at a time for eliminating my fears! What do you think?


4 comments:

  1. I think you should let yourself go and pray--maybe your urge to do it means that you need to and that God is nudging you to turn to him. Also, I think you just may find that people are better than you expect, and that you will have friends you didn't realize you had. I tend to believe that most people are good. I'll believe and hope for you that you will be surprised. Best of luck to you.

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    1. Thanks Elaine, I will need all the luck I can get. It's strange actually, when I was younger I made the choice to go to church. I even got baptized when I was 14 all on my own and everything. But as I got older, I don't know. Life happened and I just gave up I guess. I figure praying and things with church and God would come back in my life when it's supposed too...

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  2. I agree with Elaine. Maybe the best thing you can do is to give all your hopes and fears to God because really you have no control over what is going to happen. He is the only one who could. Maybe all these things are happening in an attempt for your to realize how much you need Him. I don't go to church, but I have very strong beliefs. If you ask for his help and to take away your burdens, and believe with your whole heart that he will, he will step in. It happened for me, and I would never have believed it possible. I don't know anyone who isn't scared going into surgery. It is scary. I wish you the absolute best.

    Kathy
    http://gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com

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  3. And I agree with Elaine and Kathy, Really, without God, you cannot hope. You don't have to go to church to talk to God. He is hoping that you will turn to Him and when you do, He will answer beyond your dreams. The trouble is that most humans want instant gratification, but God's time is not the same as our time. I always say that He does not respond to my time, but just when I think He will not help me in my situation, He does RIGHT IN TIME. No way would I go into surgery without talking with God first. During one of the worst times in my life, I didn't know how to come to understand Faith. I memorized Hebrews 11:1, which says "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen." Then, every time I got scared, I recited it to myself - over and over and over. I had it written on notes posted all over the house. Well...in any event, I wish you the best. Be strong!

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