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Monday, July 2, 2012

The Change Of My Pride

I have gotten so behind on blogs, I am wrapping 2 blogs into 1 so bare with me and hold on for the ride ;)


Things in my life have drastically been changing, and at a very rapid pace. They have been changing so quickly my head is still spinning. And here is what's up..

I am getting ready to get an eviction notice.. Not because I haven't paid rent or anything like that, but simply because my landlord who also happens to be my uncle is a dick (yes I said it..) and didn't get his rent right when he wanted it last month. So he is giving me the boot. I am about to be homeless.. Second, every single source of income I had is now officially gone. My cable and internet is off already. Luckily I have really awesome neighbors (also family, by marriage..) who have opened up their router to me to let me use their connection to connect to the internet otherwise I wouldn't be writing this blog. As of tomorrow the only telephone I have will be off so I won't have that either. I am hoping that at least won't last long because it's not good to not have a telephone with 3 kids. I can just see the worst of the worst happening, Im a pessimist, what can I say? Lol Anyways..

To top all of that off, I am also getting ready to have surgery (already wrote that blog) and that will leave me down for 6 months at least, as long as there aren't any complications. Well besides physical therapy. I will solely be relying on everyone around me for everything and even have to enlist in help with my children which is going to be very hard for me because I don't like anyone but me taking care of my kids or having a say in things, I am just stubborn that way I guess.

It seems like the more things change in my life, the worst they get. They just keep getting worse and I have done everything in my power to do what I can as an adult and a mother to do what I need to in order to take care of my children, EXCEPT get help from the state.

This brings me to the worst of my sins.....PRIDE...

Do you know how hard it is to swallow your pride? Pride is something I have always had. I have NEVER been someone to ask for help. I have never been the person to go next door and borrow a cup of sugar, I just refuse it. I mean. I made these kids, its my job to take care of them. I shouldn't need to enlist in anyone's help to raise them etc.. But I have.

I swallowed everything and have dropped to the lowest point possible and enlisted in the help of the state. I have filed for disability, because here in the next 3 weeks I will technically be disabled the rest of my life. It will be one surgery after another and I will never be able to hold down a job. I have also filed for general assistance (help with my bills etc..) and here it is called "Section 8" Im not sure what it is called anywhere else, but basically it is finding a house, and the state helping me pay for it, based on my income. Which is nothing right now. I feel like a horrible person, a terrible mother and I feel awful. The change I have had to make in myself, my pride, my everything. It is not something I am happy about, but that is a completely different blog.

I have officially reached the lowest of the low but I still have not lost hope. I still have the belief that everything happens for a reason and that everything will work out the way it's supposed too. I know I will NOT be homeless and I am now doing everything humanly possible to take care of my family and I will continue to...

20 comments:

  1. Pride, the way you describe it, is not a bad thing. It is your self defense mechanism when faced with insurmountable odds. Hang in there, take the help and do the best you can with it

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    1. I am trying to hang in there, doing the best I can anyways...

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  2. Take a breath and then understand something - You are doing your best, in horrendously difficult circumstances... AND THAT IS ALL ANYONE CAN ASK OF YOU.

    Sorry to shout, I know you're in a bad place, but you need to see that you are doing exactly the right thing. You are getting all the help you can to ensure your kids are housed, clothed and kept safe. There really is nothing more important than that.
    Yes, you had to swallow your pride, accept help, but seriously, that is what we do as a race. Sometimes we just CAN'T cope on our own and we have to ask for help. There is nothing wrong with that, nothing at all.

    Think of it this way - These 'deadly sins' were thought up by the church to keep lowly people in line, to stop them doing things the church didn't approve of. They aren't sins at all, just a part of human nature, so pride shouldn't have any stigma attached with which to beat yourself when things go wrong.

    You did great so far, and have every right to be proud of that. When things went wrong, you stepped up and took care of your family, even if it wasn't the way you had hoped. Another proud achievement. You're doing it, getting there, maybe on a slightly different road, but still getting by. Be proud of your achievement *hug*

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    1. I don't feel as if I've done great so far, but I am definitely trying and right now that's all I've got in me...

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  3. I think you are a survivor and will overcome all of this. It sounds like you already are. Sometimes you must swallow your pride and accept help. You do what you have too to get by and that is nothing to be ashamed of. That in itself is something to be proud of. You are a survivor and don't ever forget it. Continue to have faith!!

    Kathy
    http://gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com

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    1. I always say, "When it hurts so bad you can't breathe, that's when you know you're surviving" That is about the point I have reached I do believe. I am survivng

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  4. I can't believe I am going to say this, but I feel compelled to do it, so here it is.
    Pride and self-confidence are not the same thing. What you are battling with, asking for help and accepting it, is NOT really pride, though we refer it that way. It is the inability to provide for yourself and your kids and THAT is more about your confidence and your desires than it is about pride.
    Shame has no place in your story,NO PLACE.
    You have done what you can do; you have survived where many would have turned tail and given up; you have continued to seek a way to keep your family together, housed and fed while you get your body taken care of. Pride is not in this equation at all.
    The Pride that is meant in the sin list is about putting yourself ahead of all other things and being so prideful that you refuse to 'lower' yourself to your fellow man's level. That is not where you are. That is not who you are.

    Hang in there and do whatever you can take advantage of while you trudge through this situation and I know you will do just fine.

    Disability was made for people in your situation. Use it, if you can, it's a long road, but you should qualify.

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    1. Well to YOU it may not be about pride, but it is for me. Has absolutely nothing at all to do with my self confidence. Self confidence is nothing compared to the pride I have had to stoop to. But everyone is indeed entitled to their own opinions...

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  5. Hi. I'm at a loss for words.I don't know how but I know you will get through this thing. Sometimes, our problems have their own way of resolving the circumstances. And sometimes, we need to be in a situation where we have to ask for help so we can learn how to extend help to others too when help is needed. No man is an island..yeah a cliche but very true.Take care please and I hope things will be bearable for you and your children.

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    1. That's how I have felt lately too, a loss for words. We are hanging in there and right now that is all we can do!

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  6. First off; YAY! to you for being responsible for your kids. There are quite a few parents that just don't seem to give a crap about their kids.

    Second, they say when it rains it pours. Apparently you are getting into 40 days and 40 nights territory. I hope an Ark passes by soon so you can grab on. Good luck with everything-sooner or later, it HAS to get better.....right?

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    1. Thanks Lee! I sure hope that Ark passes soon too because I may need the whole thing! LOL! That is what I keep thinking, it does have to get better right? I mean how much worse can it get? Then WHAM it hits me like a ton of bricks and always gets worse lol But I got this ;)

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  7. One thing that you can always count on is that the sun comes out again after every storm! You are in a storm. Not many people have never been in a storm in their life. The strong ones hang on for all they are worth and make it to the other side. You are one of the strong ones. Just when you think it will never end, the sun will come peeking out from a cloud. When you do all that is in your power to do, I believe God takes care of the rest. One day, you will look back on this time in your life and it won't matter any more because you will be doing just fine. It's the valley in which you grow your faith muscles...not when you are standing on top of the world looking at all the good stuff. It's the experiences that strengthen us and you are going to be very strong after your storm is gone. (((hugs)))

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    1. Well I am ready for this tropical storm of mine to pass already, I could sure use some sun! Anyday now I hope..

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  8. I agree with Jo, there's a difference between pride and self confidence. You're doing what's best for you and your kids. Go easy on yourself.

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    1. Yeah, again I can state that it doesn't have anything to do with my self confidence but I can see how others would view it that way.

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  9. just the fact that you are able to openly divulge your situation is the beginning of accepting help from others - the point is, you are doing what you can do help yourself, and your kids.. and part of that is leaning on others... pride is great, but sometimes it needs to take a step back, to let those that care, in....

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    1. Yes, I am told by my family that I am to "open" about things in my life. But I have always been that way and do not intend on changing anytime soon. I just wasn't ready for my pride to step back as rapidly as it had to...

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  10. belief in oneself and an urge to try and make it happen is all we need. What you seek will keep coming to you. This is my belief. Just keep doing your bit. Yes, never change.

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  11. I have six kids and they are my world. Let me tell you, Miss Crazy Beautiful Disaster, I would do whatever I had to do put food in their mouths and clothes on their back and a roof over their head. You are doing the right thing!

    I don't blame you for feeling prideful about asking the state for help. I wouldn't want to have to do that either. But you are, because you're doing what's most important - "what is right for you and your kids." Good luck!

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