Strength is something that has always been hard for me to have and even harder for me to find. But I think you no one knows just how strong they are until being strong is the only choice they have.
Tomorrow, June 29, 2012 I go and to see a surgeon. A surgeon who wants to do whats called fusion on my L4 and L5 discs on my lower back. YIKES. Just saying it outloud scares me to death. The worse part about it all, is that I can do this surgery and come out in worse pain then I am going in with. Or something could could go terribly wrong and I have a 50/50 chance of being paralyzed from the waist down. It's not something I am looking forward too. I was actually so scared of the fact that I missed my first 2 appointments with this surgeon because just the thought of what could or couldn't happen scared me so much I was shaking, and I am even shaking just typing this. I am scared. And I don't know what is going to happen once I get there tomorow. I don't know what the doctor will tell me, I don't know anything at all until I get there tomorrow afternoon.
So this is the part where I have to find my inner strength and just go with it. In the last year I have seen 13 doctors, 5 pain management doctors, 3 physical therapists, 4 spine doctors and this will be my 3rd surgeon. I am SICK of seeing doctors. I am 26 years old and I have doctors telling me that I have the body of a 65 year old woman. So when I get up and post on facebook that I feel OLD or I am TIRED I really do mean it. My body feels so worn out that most days I don't even want to get out of bed, and I am sick and tired of feeling this way.
That is why, somewhere deep down I am going to find the strength to do this surgery, regardless of the consequences because it can't be any worse then the way I am living right now.
I am 26 years old! I want to be able to go outside and throw a football around with my son, or be able to go on a walk with my daughter or have the energy to chase my 1 year old around. I should be able to do these things without having to feel like I am going to fall over in pain.
So I am going to find the strength to have this surgery and do this and be done with all this pain after all, and if something happens and I end up worse, well then... I made my damn bed and I will lay in it.....