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Saturday, June 30, 2012

Surgery Is Approaching

So I have talked for awhile now about the fact that I would be having surgery. I honestly don't think that most people even believed me when I said I was having surgery. But it is happening. And when I seen that doctor (the final doctor) and he said "Let's do this" I hugged him and cried. I cried for almost 20 minutes I felt so relieved and here is why.

I have had back problems for as long as I can remember. When I was 11 I had a garage door fall on my head, literally. I have had back problems since then. And we won't mention the multiple car wrecks and child births etc that I have been through, we will just say that the problems have always been there. 

Well I have seen countless doctors. I have seen so many doctors I have lost track. I seen a few doctors that tried to tell me that the pain was just "in my head" I've seen a few that have told me that there was "damage" but it was "damage" I could live with, without any pain management. I have been to about 6 different physical therapies, not to mention chiropractors etc.. I have seen every doctor in this world that you can think of, I have seen them.

Finally after all these years (almost 12) of trying to get someone to tell me what the hell is wrong with me and WHY I hurt the way I do, I find a doctor that tells me the pain is NOT in my head and what it is that is wrong with me and what we can do to fix it. And I was so relieved, all I could do was cry. Im sure I looked like the biggest idiot in the world sitting there crying LOL But that's all I could was cry.

What I am having done is called "Transforaminal Lumbar Interbody Fusion." It's a procedure that is used to treat degenerative disc disease which is what I have...

There will be a incision made in my lower back (L5 area) and another incision right below my neck. He will then remove part of my vertebral bone to get to my disc since he can only access the disc through the one side (right) of my spine. After he does that, he will then remove the damaged part of my disc and leave the undamaged part there to help the bone graft material. Then the bone graft will be placed in the empty disc space, realigning the vertebral bones. This will also lift the pressure from my pinched nerve that is causing me so many problems, and that may need to have morselized bone there as well. After this awesome doctor does all that he will then implant a series of screws and rods to support the bone grafts that were put in my spine.

Afterwards, the bone graft will grow through and around the implants, forming a bone bridge that connects the vertebral bodies above and below. That is called a FUSION.....

Sounds painful doesn't it? Yeah it definitely will be. I will be in the hospital anywhere from 3-5 days. But my doctor informed me that since I am a smoker, it will take me longer to heal so I will more then likely be in the hospital for the entire 5 days as long as there are no complications that is, but since I am young enough hopefully there will be none.

He also informed me that since we were doing the surgery on my L5 disc (the very bottom disc in your back) that it would mean that it will make my L4 and other discs work harder so I may need more surgery down the road, just fantastic right? And I will also be left in bed for 6 months. I will not be able to do anything but LAY for 6 months. And who knows what 6 months will bring.

I am scared to death. I am a pessimist and all I foresee is something BAD happening or something going wrong, or that I may end up in more pain then I was to begin with. But this is the only option that I have.

So I am holding my breath and taking it all one day at a time. I am leaving it up to who or whatever I believe in (yeah I don't know anymore) and just going with it. One day at a time, one problem at a time and I am praying that everything will work out for the best and I won't have to live in pain anymore.

But as I am getting ready to have this surgery done, I am finding out who really is there for me. And I mean that family and friend wise. So I look at it this way......

If you can NOT handle me while I am at my worst, you will NEVER get me at my best and be apart of my life, because I do NOT need anyone in my life that will bring me down. I only need people in my life that are positive and can bring me up. So if you can't be that person then leave me the hell alone and get the hell on.. kick rocks!

I am way to young to feel this damn old and things are about to drastically start changing, so be veryyy prepared......

Thursday, June 28, 2012

I Blog Because.....

I'd say it's really simple why I blog, but it really isn't.. well at least not for everyone anyways or maybe it is I dunno.

I blog because it's the only thing I have that is mine. It's the only thing that I have that is all mine and no one elses. Maybe that sounds a little on the selfish side but I don't really care. LOL I have a very crazy, hectic, drama filled life.

Right at this very moment I live in a house with 7 people, 2 cats and 1 kick me dog. Well I call her a kick me dog cuz she is a little mopsy lopsy dog or some crap LOL I don't literally kick her or anything. But I live a crazy life. And we don't have the hugest of houses and we BARELY make ends meet around here. Read some of my other blogs and you will see a little bit into my craziness. I have my man who keeps me sane most of the time, but I am a "loner" kind of person and I like to be quiet and left alone A LOT and in this house that is next to impossible. And to have any kind of privacy?? HAHAHAHAHHAHA. Thats a joke. Just having my 3 kids is crazy enough, but really. I don't even have the luxury of taking a shit in peace around here LMAO

I blog, because this is the one and ONLY thing that no one in my house or family has access to. Literally. My family knows I have a blog, but they do not know where it is or what it's about etc.. This is alllll mine and the only people I share it with are the people I CHOOSE to share it with.

I blog for my sanity sometimes. Because the only friends I have are in the internet, I have no one in person I can just talk to (well besides my man) about things so I will get on the internet and blog about my day or whatever I feel like crying or whinning or bitching about that day. Whatever I may or may not need to vent about.

I blog because it makes me feel better at the end of the day. It's like my own little online journal and I don't give a shit if anyone reads it or if anyone likes it or whatever! This blog I have is all mine and I don't have to share... I don't have to share!! Thats why I blog..

Ohh and I blog, because some people think I am one funny mother fucker and I can't let my faithful readers down! hahahahahahahaha

If you are reading this, I love you in my own little weird internet way!!!!

...Until we meet again


Strength is something that has always been hard for me to have and even harder for me to find. But I think you no one knows just how strong they are until being strong is the only choice they have.

Tomorrow, June 29, 2012 I go and to see a surgeon. A surgeon who wants to do whats called fusion on my L4 and L5 discs on my lower back. YIKES. Just saying it outloud scares me to death. The worse part about it all, is that I can do this surgery and come out in worse pain then I am going in with. Or something could could go terribly wrong and I have a 50/50 chance of being paralyzed from the waist down. It's not something I am looking forward too. I was actually so scared of the fact that I missed my first 2 appointments with this surgeon because just the thought of what could or couldn't happen scared me so much I was shaking, and I am even shaking just typing this. I am scared. And I don't know what is going to happen once I get there tomorow. I don't know what the doctor will tell me, I don't know anything at all until I get there tomorrow afternoon.

So this is the part where I have to find my inner strength and just go with it. In the last year I have seen 13 doctors, 5 pain management doctors, 3 physical therapists, 4 spine doctors and this will be my 3rd surgeon. I am SICK of seeing doctors. I am 26 years old and I have doctors telling me that I have the body of a 65 year old woman. So when I get up and post on facebook that I feel OLD or I am TIRED I really do mean it. My body feels so worn out that most days I don't even want to get out of bed, and I am sick and tired of feeling this way.

That is why, somewhere deep down I am going to find the strength to do this surgery, regardless of the consequences because it can't be any worse then the way I am living right now.

I am 26 years old! I want to be able to go outside and throw a football around with my son, or be able to go on a walk with my daughter or have the energy to chase my 1 year old around. I should be able to do these things without having to feel like I am going to fall over in pain.

So I am going to find the strength to have this surgery and do this and be done with all this pain after all, and if something happens and I end up worse, well then... I made my damn bed and I will lay in it.....

My Journey In Life: Update

I feel like it's been so long since I have blogged that I am not even sure where to begin with things. There has been sooo much that has been going on it has been nothing but hectic for me. First an foremost I will start with my kiddos.

My kids are doing great. My oldest daughter has been living summer up, just as a normal 10 yr old girl usually does. Her and I have been butting heads quite a bit lately. Puberty is heading this way, so her attitude is drastically changing causing her and I to fight alot. I am struggling with a balance between it all. But I will figure it out, but I will get there.

My son was supposed to be in summer school, but since it was not manditory for him to be there he changed his mind and decided that he didn't want to go, so I didn't make him. He has instead spent a lot of time with his friends and in our pool outside. He has also just recently mastered doing "backflips" on our trampoline. He gives me a heart attack everytime he does it LOL I cant just see the future of him breaking his arm or leg, but he has always been my little daredevil and probably always will be. His normal boy "behavior" you know, playing rough and just being a boy has taken it's toll on his glasses. He really does need a new pair. I have ordered 3 pairs already this summer and now his insurance won't cover anymore, and I am actually suprised they covered that many even lol And money is a very rough issue right now so I am saving to get him a descent pair that won't fall apart if he happens to fall, or whatever may happen with them because anyone who has glasses knows that the frames aren't cheap and neither are the lenses and he needs both. And his loser deadbeat father doesn't pay child support so that isn't an option either... But that's a different topic. But otherwise my son is growing like a weed and doing awesome!

My baby Jack is doing so great for her age. She is talking up a storm in her little baby language lol And I hate to say it but she is still on the bottle, which is my fault and not hers really. I should have her broke from it by now, but I just give in LOL She only has it at night though and only about every other night now so it shouldn't be much longer before she isn't on it at all. She is my big girl though. She is the length and weight of my 3 year old neice. She is very big for her age, which is surprising even for the doctors since she was only 5lbs at birth, lol But she is right where she is supposed to be otherwise. She is growing up fast and it makes me sad because I my tubes are tied and I can't have anymore, so I am enjoying my baby while she is still a baby. Before she is grown up like my other 2 and life really has it's handle on me! LOL

As for me... Well I will make that into 2 separate blogs. For now I will say that I am doing okay and so is my relationship. Our relationship seems to get stronger everyday. We have had our little ups and downs and him and I haven't really fought, except about money. But doesn't everyone in a relationship/marriage fight about money? LOL I think that's just a given. Because he moved from Alabama to Nebraska to be here with me. He left his job, house and everything behind and came here with nothing. Had no job or anything. And it hasn't been easy for him to get a job here, and since I can't work (the other blog) money is just really hard. So we lost our internet. We lost our internet and cable and we are struggling with rent, light and gas and internet is more of a "luxury" not a priority right now so we are taking things one day at a time.

I try and stay positive, I really do. But somedays are a lot easier then others. But I am hoping it won't be much longer before I have internet. Because I really miss it and I have a lot to blog about LOL

Sunday, June 3, 2012

High School

I know in one of my first blogs I talked a little bit about high school for me. But what I haven't talked about was how life changing it really was for me. I think everyone says that high school is when you "learn" who you are and etc.. But high school wasn't really a walk in the park for me by far.

I did a lot of experimenting in high school, and no I don't mean with drugs (ok, those too lol) But I never really did feel like I fit in. I was the girl with coal black hair down to my ass, wearing leather pants and harley shirts. Or I would wear anything that had to do with rock n roll because I was really into some rock n roll back in high school. I was also the stoner, who walked into class completely baked, and I didn't care. I never cared about anything, and I had the worst attitude in the world. I spent most of my days in suspension or being suspended because I was just plain crazy back then... But something happened when I was 15 that changed everything..

A week after my 9th grade graduation, I found out I was pregnant. Yeah, part of me was shocked because I never thought I would be "that girl" who got pregnant in high school. But at the same time I was on birth control so I was completely terrified. I was scared and worried and I thought for sure my mother would kill me LOL.. But I survived.

I did graduate my 9th grade, and shortly after that we moved to Tennessee to take care of my sick grandfather. I remember going to the local high school to enroll, and was I in for a shocker. When my mother and I spoke to the principal, we were then informed that I couldn't enroll at all. The principal didn't want me in the high school because I was a "bad influence" to my fellow peers and I needed to enroll into the alternative school that was over 2 hours away in Nashville. And at the time, travelling 4 hours a day just wasn't an option. So I couldn't finish high school there. I instead, opened my own business at the age of 15. I started a cleaning business.

I did cleaning for a company called "Waste Management" and cleaned the local office, and that is how I paid rent every month. And I worked that job all the way to the day (literally) that I gave birth to my daughter. Four months after I gave birth, I moved back to Nebraska.

My daughter's father and I separated shortly afterwards. I was enrolled full time at the local alternative high school. That high school for teen moms and all the misfit kids, Im sure you know the high school. And I was attending high school full time and working full time at the Subway down the street from the school. Being 16 with a child, in school and working was just too much for me.

I wanted to attend school, but getting knocked up at a young age didn't help matters. I was a mother and my childs needs always came before mine. So I dropped out of high school and started working full time. I later on did get my GED, but that wasn't for years later.

High school was everything to me. I went from being a full time "Barney Bad Ass" to being a full time mommy and part time bad ass LOL Having my daughter when I did, completely changed my life. 

It made me realize that there was a lot more to life then drugs and rock n roll and changed me for the better..

I did manage to meet some of my best friends in high school. Quite a few of which I am still friends with to this day. And some days I really do miss being that careless teenager. But I am glad that I had my daughter when I did, she really was the miracle I needed to have at that point in my life...

Until next time my friends... :)