I haven't blogged lately at all. Mostly because I have had soo many things going on, that by the end of the night I am just scattered brained and can't sit down and get any words out to explain what the hell is going on. So today, I have decided to just forget about what I have going and let loose.
Got up this morning after about 5 hours of sleep, and went the the zoo. It was my daughter Jack and I, my sister, her 2 kids, and 2 kids she babysits. Plus my brother and a friend of mine and her son. It was definitely an adventure today. For the first time in awhile I actually just felt free. I don't know how else to explain it, but I just felt free. Free from all of the drama and bullshit, free from bills and just free from chaos. Because that seems to be what most of my life is about lately, pure chaos.
There have been a few changes in my house lately. For starters, I have a roommate, she is also my cousin and has a 7 month old daughter. Now, I may have 3 kids but I also have my tubes tied. I am not a fan of tiny humans that poop and puke, nor the restlessness that comes with tiny humans. But I am surviving and it has helped me out tremendously with bills and such. For the first time in well over a 5 months I can say that my rent was paid on time and that is an accomplishment for me. Now it is the rest of my bills that I will have problems with, starting tomorrow. But I will figure something out, I always do.
My kids are almost out of school for the year. Their last day is May 18th and then they are mine until almost the end of August. As of right now I have nothing planned for the summer, but that will quickly change. Also I got great news, but I will blog about that next, because I want to make sure he reads it too...
I just feel like time is standing still lately. That everything is at a stand still and I can't even explain why it feels that way. It's like my life isn't anything of what I wanted it to be and I am just standing still watching it fall apart. Most of which I can't control, but even what I can I am just in awe about it. It's like I am ghost and just walking around observing it all. Most days, I feel empty. I feel like there is just this void inside me that I can't fill. Im not even sure why, it just is.
Im hoping that things change over time. I hope that things start to get better. But we all know that things always get worse before they get better, that's just how it works. So I am not holding my breath and I am waiting for the shit to hit the fan before I can stand tall and pick up the pieces.
But DAMN, how long is that going to take? My patience is definitely running thin, but I am still hanging in there...