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Sunday, May 27, 2012

When I Grow Up

When I was a little girl, I looked at life completely different then I do now. I think it's mostly because my childhood was far from a happy one. I could sit here and count on one hand the happy memories I have of being a child, and I just don't have enough fingers and toes to count the bad ones. I had a lot more bad things happen then good. And for all of them I wouldn't want to go back.

But good or bad, it never changed my hopes or dreams. Because I believe that it doesn't matter how crappy your life is or how great it is, the things that never change are your hopes and dreams, I mean of course unless you want them to change. Those are two things that no one in the world can take away from you.

When I was 7 and in class, we did the usual kind of assignment in school. The "What do you want to be when you grow up" assignment. Yeah I think we all had that at one time or another. I wrote up what I called my "To Be" list. I wanted to be just about everything. I wanted to be a doctor, a lawyer, a nurse, an astronaut, an actress and at one point and time I wanted to be a trapeze artist. I was full of all sorts of imagination back then. 

And now that I am older, I am all of those things and soo much more. I am a mother of 3 children, and being a parent is the hardest job in the world.

I am a doctor, because nothing heals better then mommy's kiss. I am a lawyer, because well.. who knows conflict resolution like a mother with 3 kids that are separated in age by 5 years? This woman right here! I am a nurse, because nothing works better sometimes then an old fashioned band-aid. And I am an astronaut. Well if you ask my son I am the best spaceship maker EVER! Lol And well, a trapeze artist? Well that doesn't seem to be anywhere in my future, but I suppose you never know.

So I guess, what I wanted to be when I "grew up" I have achieved and soo much more!

This Crazy Thing Called Life...

Oh, I don't even know where I want to begin. Life has been soo damn crazy lately. And as of May 18th, my kids are on summer break as well so I have had extra bodies during the day as well.

The last blog I wrote was about my big day of May 18th. Which was the biggest day of my year so far. The man I love with every fiber of my being drove from Alabama to here in Nebraska to come be with me. He left his home, his job and his family to come be here with me. And I gotta say, that a tiny part of me didn't actually think he would do it. I really didn't believe he would give a job working for Toyota of all place just so he could come be with my broke, jobless ass! LOL I really didn't believe it.

And then he showed up and it took my breath away. I was completely taken back. My first emotion was to just attack but in a dirty kinda way. But I was outside. I was just so overwhelmed with emotion, I wasn't sure how I felt or what I felt at that moment when our eyes met.

He has been here since and hasn't left. Everything has been tight, because I am of course not working, and he hasn't been working either so money is a big issue right now. But I told him that as long as we had each other, we would be fine, everything would work out the way it is meant to and everything will be fine.

Now, for the most part if you know me personally at all, you already know that I am just a glass half empty kinda girl. I always see the negative and never see the positive of any situation. Not sure why I am that way, but it's just the way I have always been.

 But since I have been with him, I am looking at things completely different and there isn't anyone around me who even knows it. I never really thought that having love in your life made a difference, until this man showed up in my driveway. Having love has made the biggest difference in my life. 

I have great kids, and now I have a great man who treats me way a man should treat a woman. And I don't think there is much more I could ask for in life right at this very moment.

I am sooo broke I am barely making bills, but we have each other and we are doing what we need to, too make things work and things are getting better each day.

He told me about 2 hours ago that he has a full time job that he starts on Tuesday, making pretty descent money too. And he also informed me that he would rather I didn't work. He likes it that I am at home with the kids and taking care of the house etc.. Which is fine by me, because this is where I would rather be.

Things are getting better everyday and I am glad that he is in my life. I couldn't ask for a better man!!!

Now, I am not 100% happy, but I am definitely getting there one day at a time... :)

Thursday, May 10, 2012

May 18, 2012

May 18th, 2012 is going to be such a great day for me. First of all, it's my children's last day of school for the year and I will officially have a Kindergartner and a Fifth Grader. I am proud of my children and I tell them everyday. The greatest blessings in my life are mychildren, and always will be. They are my only accomplishments so far in life. And I have done one hell of a job raising them, if I may say so. But I also have something else great happening on this day.

The man I love with all my heart, every fiber of my being is coming to be with me. The love I have for this man, I can't even put into words. I wake up thinking of him, I think of him throughout my day, I fall asleep thinking of him. I also make a point to make sure I let him know every single day that I love him and I miss him. I miss everything about him. I miss the way he smells, I miss the way he touched my face, I miss him holding me in bed every night. I just miss him dearly.

When you love someone, it's hard to be away from them. Him and I have been separated by 800 miles and the love is still there. I still get butterflies every single time I get a message from him, and he is finally coming to be with me. And it has been the greatest feeling in the world just knowing that he is coming.

I am not sure what made him change his mind about moving here, but I am so happy and so glad to have him back. And I can promise, that I will handcuff him to my bed if I have to, to make sure he doesn't go anywhere Lol And I did inform him of this too.

Him and I were so great together. But we both had our share of "issues" that needed worked on, and both of us have grown up quite a bit of the last few years, and for the better I must say. And I think that once we are together, our love will only grow stronger. And I do believe with every part inside me, that once you have love in your life, true and real love, that you can conquer anything. I wouldn't go as far as saying that Love conquers all, but it will conquer quite a bit if you let it.  And I also believe that we will be stronger as couple and be able to face the world.

One day I will marry this man, and when I do I will be proud to call him my husband and rock his last name. And I can't wait for that day. But in the meantime, I don't need a piece of paper or a ring to show the love that we have. Just being with him will be all I ever need.

I am soooo excited!!! I can't wait for him to get here already, that will definitely be a day I will never forget!

Time Is Standing Still

I haven't blogged lately at all. Mostly because I have had soo many things going on, that by the end of the night I am just scattered brained and can't sit down and get any words out to explain what the hell is going on. So today, I have decided to just forget about what I have going and let loose.

Got up this morning after about 5 hours of sleep, and went the the zoo. It was my daughter Jack and I, my sister, her 2 kids, and 2 kids she babysits. Plus my brother and a friend of mine and her son. It was definitely an adventure today. For the first time in awhile I actually just felt free. I don't know how else to explain it, but I just felt free. Free from all of the drama and bullshit, free from bills and just free from chaos. Because that seems to be what most of my life is about lately, pure chaos.

There have been a few changes in my house lately. For starters, I have a roommate, she is also my cousin and has a 7 month old daughter. Now, I may have 3 kids but I also have my tubes tied. I am not a fan of tiny humans that poop and puke, nor the restlessness that comes with tiny humans. But I am surviving and it has helped me out tremendously with bills and such. For the first time in well over a 5 months I can say that my rent was paid on time and that is an accomplishment for me. Now it is the rest of my bills that I will have problems with, starting tomorrow. But I will figure something out, I always do.

My kids are almost out of school for the year. Their last day is May 18th and then they are mine until almost the end of August. As of right now I have nothing planned for the summer, but that will quickly change. Also I got great news, but I will blog about that next, because I want to make sure he reads it too...

I just feel like time is standing still lately. That everything is at a stand still and I can't even explain why it feels that way. It's like my life isn't anything of what I wanted it to be and I am just standing still watching it fall apart. Most of which I can't control, but even what I can I am just in awe about it. It's like I am ghost and just walking around observing it all. Most days, I feel empty. I feel like there is just this void inside me that I can't fill. Im not even sure why, it just is.

Im hoping that things change over time. I hope that things start to get better. But we all know that things always get worse before they get better, that's just how it works. So I am not holding my breath and I am waiting for the shit to hit the fan before I can stand tall and pick up the pieces.

But DAMN, how long is that going to take? My patience is definitely running thin, but I am still hanging in there...