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Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Unplugged

I don't know how else to describe how I feel, besides unplugged. I feel unplugged from everything lately. I'm not sure how to get out of the rut I have managed to stick myself in. And it is all by my own doing, at least that's how I feel.

I stayed with my ex-hubby as long as I did, mostly because I needed him around for the money. The sad part, is he knew the only reason I wanted him around was for his money and he stayed anyways. But it was for the money. After all, I have been a mother and (ex) wife for so long, it's not like I could hold a job.

I became a mother at 16 years old. When most 16 year olds were getting ready for junior prom, I was out buying formula and diapers. I have always been the "odd" ball, but it hasn't bothered me. For years, I had depended on my child support to get me through things, and for the most part it did. I hadn't been worried about school or work, because my main focus has always been on my kids and raising them, because that is what mom's do. And I was (am) dead set on not sending my children to daycare. And when I was married, the ex worked and took care of the bills and everything.

Now here I sit, 26 years old, no diploma and the only schooling I have under my belt is a certification course. I am technically a Medical Office Support Specialist. I was also certified with microsoft and billing, coding and insurance forms as well. BUT after I took that course, I was informed that no place in the State of Nebraska (or anywhere) will hire you unless you have 3 years experience, at least. So I spent $1200 for nothing there.

And here I sit, not being able to pay one bill. Not rent, lights, gas, diapers,cable, internet, phone, nothing. And as I have learned the last 2 days, I have NO ONE to turn to for help while I am trying to figure my life out. Not my mother, father, grandmother, NO ONE. I swallowed every damn bit of pride I have to ask for help, and got nothing in return.

All I can do is cry. I tried to let it go, and figured everything would work itself out. But now my landlord wants rent and I have absolutely nothing to give him.

My mind is just unplugged. I am about to lose everything! My house, and once that happens soon it will be my kids (thanks to their dads..) and everything will just get worse. So I am just emotionless. I have cried about it, gotten angry. I have done everything in my power, and I have nothing and no one. Do you know what it's like to have no one?

I even tried to get help from the state, GOD help me, I really did. But that isn't an option either, because medically I can't do what they are asking me too and my doctor says he can only deem me "unable to work" if I have a disability rating, which my insurance doesn't cover, which costs exactly $944. I can't even pay my rent, and they want me to pay that? Priorities here, and that rating isn't at the top of my list. Im lost, and I have no one anymore. My world is about to fall apart, and all I can do is watch it crumble.

What the hell happened that I ended up where I am today?

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