I think I picked up my blogging at a very rough time in my life, which is usually when most of my thoughts are running wild, when things are bad. Because all the bad things just start racing through my mind, and constantly. Sometimes I just get so lost in my own head and my own thoughts that I forget about the good things that I do have right now. But sometimes even the good things that I do have in my life, don't help me out of my bad times. I just have this horrible habit of letting the bad things overwhelm me so much that it even clouds my judgement sometimes.
Right now, I am going through some pretty horrible crap. Some things I have blogged about and some I have not. I've let all the bad things get the best of me lately and it has affected my daily life. I don't want to get up, or do anything and I definitely haven't had the desire to be on the computer or blog about it. It's just depression, which has happened to us all at one time or another, but this is the worst it's ever been for me, my entire 26 years of life. And I am fighting it, but I am definitely struggling.
I am trying so hard to let go of everything, and just let things happen. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen, right? Well that hasn't been working so well for me the last few days. I just can't let go and just live. I am trying soo hard to just live in the now, and not the past or worry about the future. But it is definitely easier said then done.
Today, I was stuck in my own body. My mind wanted me to get up and do something but my body wouldn't let me. All the medical things I have going on, plus the depression, I didn't really get up and do anything productive until well after noon. I laid down, feeling sorry for myself, crying. I cried and cried for hours today. That's all I could do is cry. That was the only emotion left in me today.
The only person around me today was my 1 year old daughter. I did cry in front of her. I mean she is 1, she won't tell anyone right? lol So I sat down next to my daughter, looking in her eyes and I cried. And I don't think she understood what was going on, just that mommy was upset. My wonderful daughter looked at me, grabbed me by the neck and reached over her playpen and gave me the biggest hug ever.
That was the moment I was waiting for. Maybe that's all I needed, was comforting. Because tonight I now know that everything else is just bad rubbish.
I knew at that very moment, that no matter how screwed up my life is or how screwed up it might. That my kids are happy and healthy and that's all that matters. They are the only important things in my life right now.
Right here, right now.. I am doing the best that I can. It may not be the best to some people in my life or anyone for that matter, but I am do everything I can do make things right and that should be all that matters. I am raising great kids, who will one day become great adults.
Here are my happy, healthy kids. They are the only thing keeping me sane. My children my only reason for living right now. They need love, guidance, affection and a mother. And it doesn't matter what I have going on, I need and have to make sure that is something I can always give them.
So I think everyone should live in the here and now. Live for the moments that happen today and not what may or may not happen tomorrow. Right here, right now <3
Here are my beautiful babies
My son, Jonathan James was born November 17,2006. He was 7lbs 8oz and 19 3/4 inches long. He is 5 years old. He is full of life and has a lot of love for both of his sisters. He will grow to be a great man one day.
Right here, right now, this is what I have. My children.