But letting people down, seems to be a thing of mine recently, and it isn't even intentional. It seems that it doesn't matter what I do, I am letting someone down or hurting someone's feelings and I am just plain sick of it. I am not even going into details, because I don't even feel like crying anymore.
I am just plain exhausted. I am exhausted, and sore and tired and so miserable that I can't even stand to be in my own skin. Do you know what that feels like? To be so miserable that you can't even stand to look at yourself in the mirror, and when you do all you can see is total and utter disgust? That's what I see when I look in the mirror anymore.
I am letting myself down, my children down, my family down and everyone around me down. I mean look at me! I am 26 years old and fighting my body and the rest of the world just to try and find a damn job that will at least sort of pay my bills. But GOD FORBID someone who has only been a mother for 10 years actually find a job. Who on Earth would want someone like that?
Left the ex, only to have one thing after another fall apart behind him. I feel like I am fighting tooth and nail to take care of my family, with little to no help and I am falling apart. I am falling to pieces and it feels like no one even cares anymore. And I am so damn sick of people saying they care, but then I pick up the phone to call them, they don't bother to pick of the phone, return a call or send a text, sorry those aren't real friends.
Which leaves me with no one to talk too, no one to turn to and no one to go to for help. How did I get here? How did I reach this point in my life, where I have no one? What wrong choices did I make to get where I am? WHY can't I turn things around? Why does it feel like I have to world against me?
Im tired, sooo tired. I have no inspiration to write about things like freakin chocolate when the one and only thing I can focus on is my family and how all I can do is sit and watch things fall apart.
I tried to let things go, and just let whatever was going to happen just happen. But if I continue to do that, I will be broke, and homeless and that can't happen.
So all I can do is sit here, look up to the heavens and say, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME???"
That's all I can, because I just don't give a rats ass about anything or anyone anymore. Im tired and I need a break before I finally just snap. Because that's what I feel like doing, just snapping. And no one will ever understand or know what I am going through, because no one else is going through it.
So I am just going to sit here and ponder just how miserable and sad of a person I am and try and figure out for the life of me, why no one around me seems to give a rats ass about anyone but themselves.
Apparantly I need to remove myself from everyone and everything before I start doing things that I may regret tomorrow. But whatever, it's not like anyone is reading this anyone, so what difference does it really make?
When I need a friend, no one is around until hours or even days after the fact. So forget it. I give up, Im toooooo damn tired to care.
Im praying to GOD and everything that is holy that I will feel better after I sleep and settle down a bit. But something tells me that tomorrow won't be any damn different then today.