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Tuesday, April 24, 2012

One Minute At A Time

I realized today that I hadn't blogged in awhile, not since the 17th. That seems to be the longest I have gone without blogging in awhile. And honestly, I am not even sure why. I just don't have the inspiration these days and here is why.

My life has been hella crazy lately. And by crazy I really mean crazy. I was crazy sick, and my kids got sick and the weather. I don't know if anyone keeps up with the news but recently the town of Thurman, IA was hit with an F2 tornado wiping out nearly 75% of the town, and I have a lot of family and friends that live in that town. Thankfully, no one was injured but that doesn't mean I still don't get to worry about them. They are family and friends and I am just concerned.

My medical issues have recently gotten worse. I went in to see my spine doctor because my back issues seem to get worse with the frequently changing weather. He has suggested that I need to have a surgery. I go to see a surgeon this Friday, the 27th. And that has my mind very busy lately. I am a single mother of 3 with little to no help from anyone raising them. If I have surgery, I wouldn't be able to move for at least a little while and that really bothers me. I am trying to stay positive because I don't see the doctor until Friday and I am hoping that we can figure something out so that I don't have to even have surgery, but that seems to be my only option.

I also have my rapidly declining money problem. I have bills out my ass and no way to pay them, that has me very stressed out. My doctor has advised me that it isn't best if I work, but I also receive no help from the state or child support of any kind so I have no choice but to try and work. But there is not much out there for someone whose job history consists of being a mother. It's very hard right now and it really has me depressed. And most days I don't even want to get out of bed. But I do, for my children.

I have an appointment to see my primary doctor tomorrow for my depression because no much seems to be helping, but at least I am seeking help for it I guess. One step at a time?

Things are crazy hectic around here and by the end of the night when I actually have time to blog, my brain and body is just plain exhausted. I know I don't have many readers in the first place, but I figured I would at least right a little update for those that do read.

My kids are doing very well. My oldest is nursing an ear infection right now, but excelling in school, on honor roll and recently discovering her body is changing so she is very hormonal Lol But otherwise well. My son is also on honor roll even being in Pre-K he is doing so well. I couldn't have asked for better kids. They keep me going, they keep me alive. My youngest daughter is 18 months old now and doing so great. Talking up a storm and being naughty, like she is supposed too Lol..

My kids are the only thing that keep me going anymore. When my youngest or even my oldest look up at me and say "It's ok mom, I love you" I know that even as screwed up and damaged as  I feel, I am still doing my job right raising my kids. I am being the best parent and person I can be for them, regardless of my struggles.

So for the most part things are hectic and crazy, but not really at the same time. I have just lost inspiration and I am having troubles finding it again. I know it will happen when I least expect it, so I am just holding on tight and trying my hardest to enjoy this ride called life.

One minute at a time....

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Right Here, Right Now...

I think I picked up my blogging at a very rough time in my life, which is usually when most of my thoughts are running wild, when things are bad. Because all the bad things just start racing through my mind, and constantly. Sometimes I just get so lost in my own head and my own thoughts that I forget about the good things that I do have right now. But sometimes even the good things that I do have in my life, don't help me out of my bad times. I just have this horrible habit of letting the bad things overwhelm me so much that it even clouds my judgement sometimes.

Right now, I am going through some pretty horrible crap. Some things I have blogged about and some I have not. I've let all the bad things get the best of me lately and it has affected my daily life. I don't want to get up, or do anything and I definitely haven't had the desire to be on the computer or blog about it. It's just depression, which has happened to us all at one time or another, but this is the worst it's ever been for me, my entire 26 years of life. And I am fighting it, but I am definitely struggling.

I am trying so hard to let go of everything, and just let things happen. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen, right? Well that hasn't been working so well for me the last few days. I just can't let go and just live. I am trying soo hard to just live in the now, and not the past or worry about the future. But it is definitely easier said then done.

Today, I was stuck in my own body. My mind wanted me to get up and do something but my body wouldn't let me. All the medical things I have going on, plus the depression, I didn't really get up and do anything productive until well after noon. I laid down, feeling sorry for myself, crying. I cried and cried for hours today. That's all I could do is cry. That was the only emotion left in me today.

The only person around me today was my 1 year old daughter. I did cry in front of her. I mean she is 1, she won't tell anyone right? lol So I sat down next to my daughter, looking in her eyes and I cried. And I don't think she understood what was going on, just that mommy was upset. My wonderful daughter looked at me, grabbed me by the neck and reached over her playpen and gave me the biggest hug ever.

That was the moment I was waiting for. Maybe that's all I needed, was comforting. Because tonight I now know that everything else is just bad rubbish.

I knew at that very moment, that no matter how screwed up my life is or how screwed up it might. That my kids are happy and healthy and that's all that matters. They are the only important things in my life right now.

Right here, right now.. I am doing the best that I can. It may not be the best to some people in my life or anyone for that matter, but I am do everything I can do make things right and that should be all that matters. I am raising great kids, who will one day become great adults.

Here are my happy, healthy kids. They are the only thing keeping me sane. My children my only reason for living right now. They need love, guidance, affection and a mother. And it doesn't matter what I have going on, I need and have to make sure that is something I can always give them.

So I think everyone should live in the here and now. Live for the moments that happen today and not what may or may not happen tomorrow. Right here, right now <3

Here are my beautiful babies
Kathleen Rea was born January 19, 2002. She was 7lbs 6oz and 22 inches long. She is 10 years old, on honor roll, top reader and mathematician in her entire grade.

My son, Jonathan James was born November 17,2006. He was 7lbs 8oz and 19 3/4 inches long. He is 5 years old. He is full of life and has a lot of love for both of his sisters. He will grow to be a great man one day.

Jacklynn Lucille was born October 12, 2010. She was 5lbs 10oz and 19 inches long. She was my miracle baby. My placenta had abrupted and I almost lost her. Her personality is a lot like mine, but she has such a huge heart and she doesn't even know it yet.

Right here, right now, this is what I have. My children.

Friday, April 13, 2012

I Quit

So, I have been sick as a dog for the last 2 days. I haven't wanted to leave my bed. But because I am a single mother of 3, resting when I am sick is not an option, but it's also something I am used too. At this very moment, I do have insurance but I do not have a primary physician. So when something happens like now when I have a horrible ear infection, so much congestion going on I can't even sleep, all I can do is wait it out. It's either wait it out or go to the emergency room and wait for 6 hours to be seen and given a script. And I don't have that kinda time, sick or not.

I am also soo damn broke at the moment, I don't even have diapers for my daughter. So I tried to enlist in my family and friends for help. Help with diapers, and help with some sort of over the counter meds for this nasty sinus thing I have going on. And you know where that got me? A whole lotta nowhere. I swallowed every inch of my pride (and that's a lot of pride) to finally ask for help since divorcing my husband and I got nothing at all.

So as of today, I have quit everyone around me. I have quit the people who claim they are "family" and those that claim they are "friends." When they need something, I am always there for them, even at 3am when they need a babysitter to go to the emergency room. But when I finally need something, no one is around. They are too busy to even return a phone call or stop by. So I quit.

I am quitting those people in my life. I can't take the pain anymore. I have enough of other things going on, that I just quit. They are occupying too many things in my heart and in my mind, that I just can't tolerate it anymore. I am worth more then that as a person, and if the people around me can't see that, then they do not deserve to be apart of my life any longer.

So this is the voicemail I have left on my phone:

"I am making changes in my life. So if you do not hear from me, you are one of them..."


...Enough said

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Are You Kidding Me?

I just seem to have the worst luck ever. And even just as much bad luck with my blogs. Because unless I am specifically writing on a certain topic or subject, no one is happy. Either no one is happy or no one even reads. Which whatever, I don't even care who reads and who doesn't read. My only point for blogging is my own way to vent, so it doesn't matter.

But letting people down, seems to be a thing of mine recently, and it isn't even intentional. It seems that it doesn't matter what I do, I am letting someone down or hurting someone's feelings and I am just plain sick of it. I am not even going into details, because I don't even feel like crying anymore.

I am just plain exhausted. I am exhausted, and sore and tired and so miserable that I can't even stand to be in my own skin. Do you know what that feels like? To be so miserable that you can't even stand to look at yourself in the mirror, and when you do all you can see is total and utter disgust? That's what I see when I look in the mirror anymore.

I am letting myself down, my children down, my family down and everyone around me down. I mean look at me! I am 26 years old and fighting my body and the rest of the world just to try and find a damn job that will at least sort of pay my bills. But GOD FORBID someone who has only been a mother for 10 years actually find a job. Who on Earth would want someone like that?

Left the ex, only to have one thing after another fall apart behind him. I feel like I am fighting tooth and nail to take care of my family, with little to no help and I am falling apart. I am falling to pieces and it feels like no one even cares anymore. And I am so damn sick of people saying they care, but then I pick up the phone to call them, they don't bother to pick of the phone, return a call or send a text, sorry those aren't real friends.

Which leaves me with no one to talk too, no one to turn to and no one to go to for help. How did I get here? How did I reach this point in my life, where I have no one? What wrong choices did I make to get where I am? WHY can't I turn things around? Why does it feel like I have to world against me?

Im tired, sooo tired. I have no inspiration to write about things like freakin chocolate when the one and only thing I can focus on is my family and how all I can do is sit and watch things fall apart.

I tried to let things go, and just let whatever was going to happen just happen. But if I continue to do that, I will be broke, and homeless and that can't happen.

So all I can do is sit here, look up to the heavens and say, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME???"

That's all I can, because I just don't give a rats ass about anything or anyone anymore. Im tired and I need a break before I finally just snap. Because that's what I feel like doing, just snapping. And no one will ever understand or know what I am going through, because no one else is going through it.

So I am just going to sit here and ponder just how miserable and sad of a person I am and try and figure out for the life of me, why no one around me seems to give a rats ass about anyone but themselves.

Apparantly I need to remove myself from everyone and everything before I start doing things that I may regret tomorrow. But whatever, it's not like anyone is reading this anyone, so what difference does it really make?

When I need a friend, no one is around until hours or even days after the fact. So forget it. I give up, Im toooooo damn tired to care.

Im praying to GOD and everything that is holy that I will feel better after I sleep and settle down a bit. But something tells me that tomorrow won't be any damn different then today.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Patience

Patience is nothing something I have ever had. I am not sure why, but even as a child I remember not having any kind of patience for anything. Patience is not one of my stronger suits.

As I have already made plain as day, when it comes to men. I make the most horrible decisions ever. I date the wrong men, hell I even married the wrong man. But it doesn't matter how horrible of a decision I have made, or how many times I have had my heartbroken. I have always kept my heart open for love.

But love just isn't at the top of my list anymore, not like it used to be. I don't think I have the patience for it anymore, or maybe I just don't want too? Who knows. I just know I don't want that to be at the top of any list anymore.

See, my kids and my family needs always come first. But sometimes I wonder, when do I come first? And of course my needs will always come in dead last, especially when it comes  to my children. That will never change. But I wonder, maybe just maybe I can squeeze in my needs somewhere along the line? But I think my patience has worn thin.

See, it isn't that I want love, or a "man" and definitely not any sort of long term relationship or even marriage. All I want is a male role model for my children to look up too. Not necessarily a "father" for them, well hopefully one day, but just a male they can look up to for things, or call if they need something or whatever the case maybe! Is that too much to ask?

I always used to think I was making the right decisions, but I think it was about my patience. I would just give up and settle for whatever was in front of me, because I really don't have the patience for the whole getting to know someone thing and then the whole dating thing and yadda yadda you all know how it works. Screw it, I am done with going down that path!

But am I really? Or has my patience just ran thin?

Home

A home isn't something I felt like I ever had growing up. Of course I had a house. But my parent's were never really around. My mother was an alcoholic and my stepfather was on drugs. It was just my brother, sister and I most of the time. I always did my best to make it a home, but I was just a kid. I never felt like home.

So when I had children of my own, I was deadset that it didn't matter if I was married, single, divorced, widowed, working, not working, disabled. Whatever my case may or may not be I was (and I am still) determined as ever to make sure my children have a place to call home. We have lived in the same house for roughly a year and a half. I have made sure that my children have attended the same school since Kindergarten and I make sure that my children have stability, which is something I never felt like I had.

I believe that a house is built with hands, but a home is built with heart. You can be anywhere and have a house, but to have a home. It takes a lot of heart. I have family pictures everywhere. I also have my children's drawings and pictures all over the place. I have my "homemade" things that my children have made for me, all over the place. I believe that these are the important things that make a home, the things that come from the heart and the things that are made from the heart. That is what a home is all about.

And that is something I hope I bestow upon my children and my future grandchildren as well.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Unplugged

I don't know how else to describe how I feel, besides unplugged. I feel unplugged from everything lately. I'm not sure how to get out of the rut I have managed to stick myself in. And it is all by my own doing, at least that's how I feel.

I stayed with my ex-hubby as long as I did, mostly because I needed him around for the money. The sad part, is he knew the only reason I wanted him around was for his money and he stayed anyways. But it was for the money. After all, I have been a mother and (ex) wife for so long, it's not like I could hold a job.

I became a mother at 16 years old. When most 16 year olds were getting ready for junior prom, I was out buying formula and diapers. I have always been the "odd" ball, but it hasn't bothered me. For years, I had depended on my child support to get me through things, and for the most part it did. I hadn't been worried about school or work, because my main focus has always been on my kids and raising them, because that is what mom's do. And I was (am) dead set on not sending my children to daycare. And when I was married, the ex worked and took care of the bills and everything.

Now here I sit, 26 years old, no diploma and the only schooling I have under my belt is a certification course. I am technically a Medical Office Support Specialist. I was also certified with microsoft and billing, coding and insurance forms as well. BUT after I took that course, I was informed that no place in the State of Nebraska (or anywhere) will hire you unless you have 3 years experience, at least. So I spent $1200 for nothing there.

And here I sit, not being able to pay one bill. Not rent, lights, gas, diapers,cable, internet, phone, nothing. And as I have learned the last 2 days, I have NO ONE to turn to for help while I am trying to figure my life out. Not my mother, father, grandmother, NO ONE. I swallowed every damn bit of pride I have to ask for help, and got nothing in return.

All I can do is cry. I tried to let it go, and figured everything would work itself out. But now my landlord wants rent and I have absolutely nothing to give him.

My mind is just unplugged. I am about to lose everything! My house, and once that happens soon it will be my kids (thanks to their dads..) and everything will just get worse. So I am just emotionless. I have cried about it, gotten angry. I have done everything in my power, and I have nothing and no one. Do you know what it's like to have no one?

I even tried to get help from the state, GOD help me, I really did. But that isn't an option either, because medically I can't do what they are asking me too and my doctor says he can only deem me "unable to work" if I have a disability rating, which my insurance doesn't cover, which costs exactly $944. I can't even pay my rent, and they want me to pay that? Priorities here, and that rating isn't at the top of my list. Im lost, and I have no one anymore. My world is about to fall apart, and all I can do is watch it crumble.

What the hell happened that I ended up where I am today?

The Bittersweet End

So if you read one of my previous blogs, "A New beginning, or a bittersweet end?" Then you already know what Im going to talk about.

After spending days upon days of thinking about my father and what I wanted to do about the whole situation, I finally came to a conclusion...

I finally called him to tell him exactly what I thought about him choosing his wife over me and if there would be any sort of future for us. And of course, his grandkids.

But when I called him, he didn't answer. I left a brief but descriptive enough voicemail for him to call me back, because I wanted to speak to him. And I know he doesn't ever check his voicemail, so I also sent him a text. And it has now been 3 days and I still have not heard from him. But to make things even better, I ran into him at the gas station today, and he walked by me as if I didn't even exist to him.

So at least now I know where I stand in his eyes. I know that I do not exist to him, therefore he also doesn't exist to his grandkids either and I am not sure how well they are going to take that. My two older kids will understand that grandpa isn't around, but my youngest will never know him, and that is sad since she is named after him.

But I guess things happen for a reason. If he is the kind of person who will choose his wife over his own blood, then I don't want my children around him. I don't want my children to EVER think it is okay to choose a spouse over your own children or flesh and blood.  Family always comes first, and since he just isn't wired that way, I do not want my children around someone like that.

But for me, I just can't seem to let go of the entire situation. I feel like apart of me wants to hold on if even a little bit. I mean after all he is my father. I can't change that and I wouldn't want too. But I just don't get it at all. I don't think I will ever understand how father's just abandon their children like he did me. And it's not like I am a child and I don't know any better, I am 26 years old!

I feel disappointed, heartbroken, curious, and just plain defeated when it comes to him. Just the thought of never seeing him again or never hearing from him again just breaks my heart.

God only knows, he is probably douchebag of the year, but he is still my father. And I just don't know what to do anymore.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Only Slightly Unhinged

I've been told on more then one occasion that I am just crazy. I have lost my mind. By the things that I say, the things that I openly think about, the things that I do. But today was a new one even for me. I embraced my crazy and took advantage of it.



See, along with Spring and the warm weather and rain. Comes the fact that you have to start mowing again. And for the most part I don't mind the 5 hours it takes for me to mow it, because its quite peaceful for me. I'm not yelling at kids, or doing laundry or anything. For me, it's like taking a walk. I have time to think, and just get lost in my own mind. But after mowing yesterday, and today. I was a little irritated with mowing, already this year. So I took it into my own hands to try and enjoy myself while I was doing it.

I went in my garage and grabbed the motorcycle helmet. Walked over to the mower and jump started it (don't ask...) and my mother looked at me and said "You have lost your mind, girl!" I just laughed. She said, "What do you need that for!?" I looked at her and simply said, "I need it, in case I fall off!"



hahahahaha... All I could do was laugh at myself, because I was amazed that I even said it, let alone spend 5 hours in 90 degree weather wearing a helmet! My sister told me that I needed professional help! LOL I told her that, I went to therapy and that bitch stole my superpowers so I didn't wanna go back. She had no words, and I don't blame here, I wouldn't call it crazy, I call it "creatively insane" but what do I know?

I tried to tell her that her daughter (my niece) stole my crayons so I needed some new ones..  My mother was just amused with it all. She said "You get it from your father.." hahahaha Apples do not fall far from the tree in this family. We are all stocked up on crazy around here.

So that is how my day went. I still don't say I have am crazy, just slightly unhinged! Here is a picture!!!!! :)