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Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Outside My Bubble

So, I've had a ton of things going on lately. If you have ready any of my past blogs then you already know. It's just life, or my life I should say. Just when I think that things are finally starting to go great, the other shoe always drops! It never fails. That's just how it works in my life. And after so many years of this happening you would think I would be used to it by now. But it still drives me crazy insane when it happens. I get depressed quickly, and overwhelmed and feel overworked and underappreciated frequently. But Im learning to adapt.

In the last few days since my last blog, I have taken sometime to really think about my life and where I believe it's headed and what's going to happen next. And I haven't been able to answer any of these questions, not even tonight while I sit here and blog about it. I don't know where my life is headed, and I have no idea what is going to happen tomorrow. But fuck it! I'm going to embrace today while I'm here.

I've recently started doing things that are considered "out of the ordinary" for me. See I am a very tedious person most days. I plan for things, and if it isn't planned then I won't do it. I have a set schedule that goes in my brain the night before and that's what I do. Well instead of just working on my set schedule I am doing things outside of my bubble.

For instance, I randomly decided that I was going to start being around more people. Because on most days, I may get tired of being alone, but all in all I enjoy being alone. I don't have to deal with drama and bullshit, and I don't have to hear about other people's drama and bullshit and I am just fine being by myself.

But I figured if I was really dead set on changing my life, I needed to start out with simple things and work my way up to the big things. That was my plan. So I started being around other people, daily. It's been overwhelming for me, but I am doing it anyway. I was diagnosed awhile back with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and I don't remember the correct term for it, accept Anti-Social. Because I don't like being around people, I hate being in large crowds and I hate noise in general. So that was my first step.

I also decided that I would start walking again (against my doctors orders) because I enjoy walking. Walking is just as relaxing for me as sitting by a fire reading a book. It clears my head and hey, if I am lucky I will lose some of this god awful weight while I am at it. With summer coming and all. I also having a walking partner. So on the days that I may need the extra motivation, I have her.

I also decided, that since I can't work at all, that I am going to get out and do something with my life. School is not an option, thanks to some idiot who jumped the gun on some paperwork, but maybe I can find something else to do with my time. So I have decided that I am going to push the paperwork I originally started to start and run PTA at my children's school, because believe it or not, they do not have PTA and this school is in desperate need of it. Most of what I will be doing, can be done from sitting right here at home on my computer, or on the telephone, well except for the meetings and such. Because if there is one thing that I am good at, it's organzing things. I think thats most the OCD thing I have, but who knows Lol

I think the best way for me to change things is to step outside of my bubble and just change one thing at a time, one day at a time. If I set my goals to high, it would be like I am already setting myself up to fail and I can't have anymore failures this year, It's already been hard enough.

But I can let go of what's already happened and take my babymama's advice and keep the past in the past. Let go of what's already happened and try and change things for the better, for my kids sake. I may not know how my bills will be paid, but I need to let it go and try and do what is best for my kids. I know in my heart it will all work out the way it's supposed to in the end. I just have to hold on for one more day..


4 comments:

  1. You're a trooper. Even if you don't stick to all parts of this plan, don't kick yourself. At least it's a postitive not negative track -- for me, the negative is far easier to follow. Much harder to pick yourself up and be active about changing.

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    1. Im more worried about sticking to it. Because just like you, the negative is easy for me to follow and even easier to fall back on! One day at a time ;)

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  2. You are a very strong woman and I know if you keep hope in your heart, things will work out for the best. Keep ya head up!

    <3 Luv ya, Babymama <3

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    1. Hope isn't something I have much of these days, but one day at a time is all I can do :)

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