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Sunday, March 25, 2012

The Look In The Mirror

When I look in the mirror, I don't see what everyone else tells me they see.


I see pain, loss, heartache, troubles, rage and fat LOL

I always hear from people, "You should smile more, you have a beautiful smile!" and I always respond with, "I don't have anything to smile about."

Which for the most part is true. See I haven't blogged recently because I have been just plain tired. Not just physically but emotionally as well. I mean, who

wouldn't be after awhile? I am a single mother of 3 kids all of which are 5 years apart. They keep me busy enough. But to add everyday life, and worries? Not to mention the grocery store, appointments, school functions, etc!? I get very tired.

But I am sooo very sad right now. I am sad, because I have reached this point right now in my life, where I just feel defeated. So I sat for a few days just watching the rain, trying to figure out what the hell to do with everything that I have going on. And for the life of me, I couldn't come up with anything. At that very moment I had given up.

So with some advice from a fellow blogger. I decided that I would try and work on the things that I could control, versus what I can't. So I started to clean. But I stopped almost instantly, because I thought, "Whats the point, I won't be here much longer anyways!?"

So I just threw in the towel, and I started drinking and feeling sorry for myself and not knowing what was going to happen and I just let go. Which is something that takes a lot for me to do, because I am the type of person, to where it doesn't matter how big or small, I always fight. But not that day. I just threw in the towel. Gave up on everything completely. I just didn't care anymore about anything.

The next morning, I woke up and went in my bathroom and looked in the mirror. I looked at myself and thought, "What the hell is wrong with you? You know that this will get you nowhere and you may have felt great drinking, but you know damn well it won't solve ONE problem."

And I finally decided that part of me is going to let it go. I am going to let go of the fact that it isn't anything that I can control. I have to let things just happen. If it's for the better, then great. But if it ends up falling apart, maybe it was just supposed to happen this way and I am just supposed to be somewhere else. Which really scares me, because I just can't see myself anywhere but here.

So I have decided that every morning I am going to wake up and look at myself in the mirror and tell myself to let it go. To not let it stress me out so bad that I can't stand being in my own skin, I just need to let it go and let things happen they way they are supposed to.

When I look in the mirror, I don't see beauty. But I will get there..

Whatcha think, sound like a good plan to you guys too?

10 comments:

  1. I think the main focus in your life needs to be those three kids and what they need from you. Thinking of them will keep you going. So right now, go give each of them a kiss, a hug, and tell them that you love them. That's what makes life worth living. Measure life's worth by those things that you wouldn't sell for any amount of money.

    Joyce
    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com/2012/03/gbe2-mirror-report.html

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    Replies
    1. my only focus in life is my 3 kids. That's why I am stressing the way I am. I am the only one who will keep a roof over their heads. They are the only reason I get out of bed each day. The one and only reason.

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  2. Yes. A good plan. Take one day at a time, one goal at a time. Tell yourself daily how worthy you are, you will eventually believe its true.

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    Replies
    1. Eventually I may believe it, but definitely not anytime soon!

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  3. Focus on the plan, things will get better I am sure!

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  4. Can you find someone to talk to, like a therapist or counselor, who can be totally and completely on your side? You need to get some emotional support for all of the things you are dealing with. My heart goes out to you and I am concerned for you.

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    Replies
    1. I was in therapy for awhile, but I couldn't afford it any longer. It was getting to costly and my insurance wouldn't cover anymore sessions. I have found other ways to deal. And I have lots of people to talk to, and when Im down like I was, I blog about it and have a lot of support here as well. Thanks for being concerned though :) But you are definitely right, I do need more emotional support, I can't argue that.

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  5. Quit worrying, just take it one day at a time. Enjoy your kids. Celebrate the small things. What will be will be. Have faith. Continue to write to get things off your chest. Once you have written about it, let it go.

    Kathy
    http://gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com

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  6. When you look in to the mirror, remember that the beauty that is in your children came from you. Their goodness, their gifts, every wonderful thing about them exists because you brought them into the world.

    Just one other thing. That daily stuff--the cleaning and the other stuff that you have control over? It matters whether or not you stay where you are or move on. It matters because every active step you take to improve your situation bolsters you, lifts your mood, gives you a sense of accomplishment, and ultimately, empowers you.

    There are many things in this world that we truly have no control over, but no matter where we are right now, the things we do will head us in one direction or another. You are worth doing the good stuff for, and every time you act or speak, you are showing your children how to be.

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  7. I admire you for your honesty and for your courage to take a look in that mirror and pull yourself up. You do have a lot to contend with but I'm certain from the way you've written this post that you will be able to fight your way out of this situation and win! Sending you love and peace from India ♥

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