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Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Life Does Go On... Pt 2

So, after posting this I ended up staying up for I don't even know how long just thinking. I stayed up thinking about how I would change this, or fix that or let go of it all. Because I'm not a person who holds grudges, but I also can't let go either. Especially when it comes to my kids, It takes me awhile to just let go and move on.


And I just don't know how to move forward. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel defeated. I don't know what to do to turn things around. I keep waiting and waiting and waiting for something to happen, or some kind of sign that things are going to be ok, but here I sit with absolutely no idea what I am going to do about anything.

I am about 11 days shy of my landlord calling me and asking for rent. Yeah, he really does call right on the 1st of the month wanting his rent and I don't have a penny of it. I have no idea where it's going to come from.  This is probably the worst feeling in the world. Not knowing how in the hell I am going to keep a roof over my children's head, or if I will even have a roof this time next month. 

So I've been trying not to focus on the things I can't control and focus more of the things I can control, the things that are right in front of me. But I always managed to get sidetracked and stuck right back with the "What the hell am I going to do" thoughts, and I can't ever make them go away. So I can't sleep. I never seem to sleep very much anymore.


So I try to keep myself as busy as I can. And with my 3 lil ones I am pretty busy, but that doesn't ever stop my mind. So I play music, well because music is my therapy. Music is what keeps me sane! Well that and coffee and cigarettes. But I stay busy. Because If I stay busy then my mind is busy and I don't have time to think about all the bullshit that is happening around me that I can't control.

I am soooooo tired of not feeling in control. Everything is falling apart and I can't control any of it. All I can do is sit and wait for another shoe to drop, and it's one of the most horrible feelings in the world.

I just don't know what to do about anything anymore. And mostly, I need a friend. Someone who will come over and listen to me whine and bitch and moan and still be able to tell me I'TS GOING TO BE OKAY....


4 comments:

  1. We all have things in our lives that we can't seem to control. And then there are the things we can control. I'd say-- for now-- if you can, focus on the things you can control. When things seemed to spiral for me-- I start scrubbing floors. Yes already scrubbed floors have been rescrubbed if it was the only thing I could control at the time. There have been many hard fought tears spilt on that floor--but at the time it was what I could control--and by garsh it was shiny when I was done. Start with the small things you can control and build. No promises--but it feels good to have that feeling again.

    (((HUGS Again!))) Jenn.

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    1. Yeah I do that frequently. Well not scrubbing floors, just the rest of my house. The OCD I have makes sure of it. I just get tired of doing the same things over and over again. It's more like a repetitve reminder that this is the only thing I can control, ya know?

      I will figure it out eventually..

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  2. ((Hugs)) The best thing you can do is what you are doing. You are writing and venting at the same time!! Something that always works for me is burying myself into a great book, or watching a funny movie. Ask G0d to show you the way, ask for help. I ask and just give everything over to him and make up my mind up not to worry about things I can do nothing about. It is hard to do but takes discipline. When I am really down, sometimes it helps me open the Bible and just read. Often whatever it is I read randomly in there will help me feel a little better.

    Focus on your kids and shower them with love and focus on any blessings you do have no matter how small.

    Hope this helps and doesn't sound to preachy. I hope I don't come off holier than thou, I just have a deep faith that helps me to let go of all the $hit life dishes me and I thought maybe you could try it too.

    Kathy
    http://gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com

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    1. It's a little preachy, but I've heard worse Lol.. The bible will be the last book that I ever turn however..

      I focus everything on my kids. Love, hope, peace, everything. Which I think is the only thing that is keeping me sane these days. Focusing on them is the one and only thing that is getting me out of bed these days.

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