So, after posting this I ended up staying up for I don't even know how long just thinking. I stayed up thinking about how I would change this, or fix that or let go of it all. Because I'm not a person who holds grudges, but I also can't let go either. Especially when it comes to my kids, It takes me awhile to just let go and move on.
And I just don't know how to move forward. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel defeated. I don't know what to do to turn things around. I keep waiting and waiting and waiting for something to happen, or some kind of sign that things are going to be ok, but here I sit with absolutely no idea what I am going to do about anything.
I am about 11 days shy of my landlord calling me and asking for rent. Yeah, he really does call right on the 1st of the month wanting his rent and I don't have a penny of it. I have no idea where it's going to come from. This is probably the worst feeling in the world. Not knowing how in the hell I am going to keep a roof over my children's head, or if I will even have a roof this time next month.
So I've been trying not to focus on the things I can't control and focus more of the things I can control, the things that are right in front of me. But I always managed to get sidetracked and stuck right back with the "What the hell am I going to do" thoughts, and I can't ever make them go away. So I can't sleep. I never seem to sleep very much anymore.
So I try to keep myself as busy as I can. And with my 3 lil ones I am pretty busy, but that doesn't ever stop my mind. So I play music, well because music is my therapy. Music is what keeps me sane! Well that and coffee and cigarettes. But I stay busy. Because If I stay busy then my mind is busy and I don't have time to think about all the bullshit that is happening around me that I can't control.
I am soooooo tired of not feeling in control. Everything is falling apart and I can't control any of it. All I can do is sit and wait for another shoe to drop, and it's one of the most horrible feelings in the world.
I just don't know what to do about anything anymore. And mostly, I need a friend. Someone who will come over and listen to me whine and bitch and moan and still be able to tell me I'TS GOING TO BE OKAY....