I have had so many things happen to me recently, that most days I am struggling to get out of bed. I am depressed and seeking help for it. But I still struggle a lot more then I will ever admit. Most days I just feel broken, inside and out.
Then I thought, instead of just focusing on everything that I feel is broken, I need to just start all over again. But how do you start all over again, when you feel like everyone and everything is standing in your way? Maybe I need to just stand up, and just create a better future. But these days, I am not sure how to do that either. And I keep hearing "One Day At A Time" but that just seems like bologna to me. I think that telling someone, one day at a time is crappy advice. And I may even be a hypocrite for saying that because I am sure that at some point and time I have given that same advice. But it's a load of crap when you struggle with depression and stress in your life constantly.
Yesterday, I went to a friend's benefit dinner. She recently found out that her father has cancer, so they organized a spaghetti dinner in his honor. I did indeed attend, even though for most of the evening I sat by myself, because I didn't know anyone. All of a sudden I hear a voice I recognize, so I immediately turn around. It was in fact, my father. The father of which I didn't even know until I was 13 and finally decided to seek out. I looked at him, he looked at me. And then turned and walked towards someone else. He had acted as if he didn't even knew I existed. My emotions were all ready on the fritz because of everything that was going on. But to have my father look at me straight in the eyes and walk away like I didn't even exist? Who does that?
..not a father
not a man..
A COWARD does that.
Then he had the nerve to tell my friend that he wasn't going to speak to me because I was "mad" at him? You are damn right I am mad! When you looked at me in the face and chose your WIFE over me, who runs around town telling everyone that I only want you around for your money. That hurts. It hurts that you choose your wife over your flesh and blood. But at least, even in the midst of my anger towards him, I don't deny that he exists. Because unlike my father, I actually give a shit about people, and how they feel. And how every single action a person takes, there is a consequence.
I have tried to say I don't care about him, or I don't care what anyone around that small little town thinks of me. But a piece of me really does care, or it wouldn't make me so angry. He is my father after all.
Then I realized, that things can only make me angry, if I let it make me angry. If I actually let it control me in a way that is will affect my daily life. So starting tomorrow I will no longer let it bother me. I will no longer give his wife the satisfaction of exactly what she has wanted from the get go. My children and I not in his life. She may think she has won, but in reality I have. Because if that is the kind of person that he is, then that is a person I do not want my children around.
My kids have been driving me crazier then usual lately. I am just fried I think. Spending every waking moment, 24 hours 7 days a week with my children. Never having alone time or me time. I am just exhausted. No, I don't have anyone I can call for help. It's just me all the time. And it's currently even worse, because they are on spring break. There has been more then 1 occasion that I have walked into a different room and had to tell myself to just breathe because everything will be ok. I am not mom of the year by all means, and I do my very best to raise my 3 children on my own, but I will definitely be thankful for the day that I actually do have help and I am not doing things on my own. I feel tired, broken and just plain fried from everything. But I love my children and wouldn't trade them for the world.
Haven't blogged much in the last few days, because my deperession has gotten the best of me and I just don't have any desire to be on the computer. But I am trying to turn things around. I am seeking help for it, and it will take time but things will get better. I have also given my children more constructive things to do during the day, besides driving me crazy. Here are some of the changes I am implementing:
~I have given my children a chore list (age appropriate of course) So they can help with things around the house, after all they are the ones who make the messes, not mama.
~The weather has gotten nicer, so I have done more walking. I have walked almost 5 miles in the last 3 days. Even if I don't have the desire to look out the window I am forcing myself to get up and out to get some fresh air.
~I have officially given up on my father. He is never going to be a "dad" in my life, or a grandfather for my children. So I am no longer wasting my time on a clearly lost cause...
But then I have nights like tonight, where I am all alone and have nothing but time to think, and I can't help but feel like none of it makes a difference. It doesn't matter if I do this that or the other because everything will remain the same, I just don't care whether it does or not..
.... I will continue the rest in the morning....